MOG

My big brother is the one who always gets me into new music. I can't count how many times, especially when I was younger, I'd sneak onto his computer and just copy cd after cd (without running into anything potentially scarring, thank god). I've always said he was much more in touch with the real world than I was.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago Tuesday, and I didn't find out until that Thursday. This is somewhat symbolic of my life, as I'm always late for everything. Some things I've missed entirely...like the beat generation, when classic rock wasn't so classic and my predicted date of birth. I do, however, manage to be on time for some things.

Like my grandmother's funeral, for example. That was a few Saturdays ago, and I was early...probably the one time I wish I would've been late. It's hard to watch parents grieve. Actually, it's hard to watch anyone grieve. I don't cry, most of the time. I just get this blank look.

I hate wakes. They were a bad invention, if only because the family never wants to eat at them. As if the funeral and witnessing (some of) the burial wasn't enough, let's prolong the suffering a little more. I'd rather just go home and deal with things on my own terms. People expressing sympathy or pity always makes me feel worse.

I'm generally uneasy when it comes to human contact; I don't like to be touched or hugged or petted as family tends to do. It makes me nervous. But, I think the most beautiful thing was, when my brother was crying during the funeral, he hugged me...and he hardly ever does that (whether it's due to my lack of want or his desire to give them is debatable). I had to close my eyes for a second.

We were never close as kids. We fought, mostly, and violently hated each other. After my best friend dated him and dumped him, during my freshman year of college, I thought we'd never even speak again, but that just goes to show you what I know. We do a lot of things now, like dinner every once in awhile, we go to the movies and occasionally we get half priced drinks (though I think he's a cheaper date than me...he disagrees). We're even myspace friends, and if that's not true show of love, I don't know what is.

But anyway, I haven't mogged for awhile, so I figured I'd check back in. All is well here and I'm planning on creating a mix to post for everyone since it has been so long.