Happy V. D.
...erm, I mean Valentine's Day. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" about sums up my history of Valentine's Day experiences. The growing animosity towards all things Valentine started when I was in kindergarten and my older sister thought it would be cute if she sent a Valentine in my name to one of my classmates. Little did she know that she set in motion events that resulted in her sister being known as the little brown haired girl who liked smelly boys that pee in their pants.The 33 years of Valentine's Days that followed were filled with overpriced dinners at horrible restaurants, flea-ridden giant stuffed pandas, car trouble, break-ups, stalkers, and losing the key to the handcuffs (It's a long humiliating story that I won't go in to, but let's just say that culminates in someone being locked to the bedpost while someone's father sawed them free.)But the pièce de résistance was a cold snowy day a couple of years ago when my boyfriend was making a romantic dinner for us. He had the veal saltimboca almost ready, the champagne was being chilled, and there was a gorgeous chocolate mousse cake for dessert... when the cat vomited in the heating unit. Let me tell you, the pungent odor of baked cat-puke is not only perfect for driving evil spirits out of your house, but also the potential for whispering sweet nothings and other romantic refinements. The evening was spent with scarves wrapped around our noses and mouths, scraping puke out of the hundreds of crevices in the heater with a Q-tip. It was then that I realized that Valentine's Day wasn't meant for me.The final nail in the coffin occured last February when I had an out-of-body experience at my second-cousin's Valentine's Day wedding when I found myself dancing with my father to "Superfreak". It was bad enough being my Dad's date, but by the end of the night, the groom was in the corner of the reception hall making-out with a bridesmaid while the bride and her other sisters (other as in not the one making out with her new husband) were on stage, drunkenly belting out "Since U Been Gone", the train of her dress in tatters as the band's lead singer was holding the poor girl up by her boobs.As I watched the guests start removing cash from the gift envelopes that were intended for the no-longer-happy couple, I permanently dissasociated Valentine's day from romance.Perhaps there are lucky people out there who get to have those storybook Valentine's evenings filled with La Maison du Chocolat, Perrier-Jouet Fleur de Champagne, and long-stemmed roses, but after a lifetime of spoiled dinners, bad dates, and cat puke, I am done. You all go off and have your caviar wishes and champagne dreams whilst I rip this page out of my calendar.
Locating MOG account...
Comments (31)
Oh my gosh! Outside of those, should I say, not so romantic moments...that has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Thanks for sharing your VD history.
It does appear that your sister set things in motion for you back in kindergarten. I don't have anything remotely even close to your horror stories. My first official date was in the sixth grade. I was eleven and she was nine. I had the roses and box of chocolates in a red heart shaped box for our "romantic" evening at the movies. It was a school night and it was a Disney cartoon so the theater was empty of my fellow sixth graders except for one who said "hi" to me but she didn't recognise the pretty underclassman sitting next to me. She proceeded to let in her younger cousins and sisters into the theater from the exit door. They sat in the front row. My date and I were near the back of the cinema. This was it. We pretty much had the entire theater to ourselves. The date was off to a great start until the last movie patron showed up and sat next to us. It was my friend who apparantly also had a crush on her and decided to crash our date. Very "Wonder Years" I know...*lol
:=)
What do you mean what happened to that little girl? You don't remember that night at the movies. I'm speechless. *lol
: = )
Just kidding...wouldn't it have been funny if it was you?