3 years gone(thank ***************** it wasn't ten)

So I have a date in 4 days. I WILL be spending a couple of hours alone with an attractive female but the thing I'll be dying to get my hands on,though being feminine as well, has six strings and the capability of turning me back into myself again. A trying chapter of my life is closing and a new frontier is opening. I'm supposed to be getting my music gear out of storage this thursday after going without it since january of 2003 and I AM EXCITED! Previous to this forced hiatus,I had had the option of creating my own special brand of noise generally any time I wished(with temporary exceptions),from the time I got my first electric guitar when i was 14 until I was forced to throw EVERYTHING I OWNED into the batcave a few years ago. Pretty soon after I found myself without the ability to make MY OWN sounds, I started losing touch with myself and the ensuing 3 years included some of the worst moments of my life. Throughout it all I have kept reconstructing my little studio as a high priority and not too long ago i finally moved into a space that would allow me room to set up my stuff again,(space of my own being the main reason i was unable to set up my gear). I'm totally into it. I bought a decent PC(my first) in March,which is going to open up my aural landscape exponentially as i have never seriously experimented within the digital realm before,it's always been analog 4 trackin'. And recording is really all I am interested in these days. I realize that whoever is reading this probably has no idea as to my situation in life,but as far as live performance goes,there is pretty much 0.023% potential of that happening anymore. I haven't been on a stage in 10 years and it is no longer a goal for me in this town. I'm much more interested in finding out how the sounds coming out of myself are going to affect my conscious and subconscious mind as i feel that losing that means of creative expression has stunted an important part of my Self. In the meantime, i find myself listening to others' sounds,trying to fill that hole that's there and I'll tell you-it's a difficult hole to fill. Part of the problem is my fairly static music collection. I have existed within poverty for some time now and I rarely get new shit.(hail slsk!) I realized recently that i haven't been to the local independent music store in 2 years! (there's a lot of crap i haven't done in 2 years,it's been a weird 2 years) I also miss out on the social aspect of music. No live shows in 2 years.(AHHHHH!!!!!) I don't get to drive and listen to music either,not having a vehicle,which sucks it cuz I LOVE driving and blasting music. But no matter how close i get to filling that hole,other people's music never does the trick like making my own sounds does. That's why the handle soundmagick came into play,because that's what happens in my experience. Sounds have the capability of changing things drastically,mentally and physically,and, to me, it's a type of magick. I don't know how many times i have found myself in a foul mood or with some type of physical complaint like a headache and realized ,"I bet I'd feel better if I played my guitar" and upon sitting down and improvising for 15 minutes, felt worlds better. My main instrument is guitar and I use a few effects in my signal chain and I had gotten to the point where playing guitar got to be more of a type of meditation for me,a type of brain cache cleansing or something where i would tweak the effects until it felt like I was sort of massaging my psyche. I miss doing that,but it looks like i will imminently be regaining that superpower--well,after I get everything back in working order and get the new soundcard for this thing and figure out the software and teach myself how to play guitar again :-P Until then, iTunes shuffle has me listening to Shine On You Crazy Diamond for,I dunno,maybe the 783rd time and still finding inspiration in it and relating to Good Ol' Syd. Sometimes i imagine Syd has an anonymous cyberexistence. Perhaps he will get a Mog. Or MAYBE HE ALREADY HAS ONE.......