So lately I find myself defending none other than Mariah Carey. It’s a bit presumptuous … I mean really, who the hell am I? And since when did Mariah need my help? But anyway, about a month ago Mariah released a single. And from what I can tell, it sounds like a good Mariah Carey single: You know… she does that ultra-high singing thing at some point, and the rest of the time she over-sings everything. Par for the course, rt? Yet my endorsement of the song has gotten me into some excruciatingly lame discussions. Here are possible theories to explain why it’s such a controversial subject:1. The song is called “Touch My Body” which apparently strikes some listeners as superficial or perhaps even a bit sleazy;2. The video features Ms. Carey in various states of disrobe, and that seems to piss-off every female I talk to. This, I find especially ironic considering how efficiently LL Cool J has managed to milk the ‘musical value’ of his six pack, over the past 15 years;3. Mariah’s lyrics aren’t as good as Thom Yorke’s.Honestly, I find songs like “Touch MY Body” almost poetic... Just the symmetry with which they’re put together. I mean, I could go on about the musical structure of the song (and mind you, it is a well-done piece of Top40 music). But maybe there’s an even easier way to put it across. Consider it as a piece of intellectual property: It has a memorable keyboard part, a good dance beat, its lyrics are playful and make reference to the very ‘now’ phenomenon we call YouTube, the chorus is catchy, it’s sung by one of the best pop singers ever, and the video is ‘sold’ by her scantily-clad curves. In some retarded philosophy class at a junior college, students might be discussing whether there is such a thing as the Platonic form of a Top40 hit. Well my friends, I submit that it would be very similar to this song. And in that sense, I’m almost awed by it. Why? Because someone designed it to be that way. And it is a perfectly engineered specimen. That it’s entirely vapid, and grows tiresome within about 15 listens (I know, because I conducted such an experiment) is hardly a demerit. Base culture is base culture. But even base culture should be permitted to strive towards its native ambitions. Do we really wanna hear Mariah singing about world peace or the alienation of the wage laborer? It would be terribly disingenuous, and a waste of a perfectly good boob job. Plus, I hate bloody Nickelback singing to me about what the world would be like if more people “cared”. That fucking prick probably drives a Hummer to and from his box seats at the pro-wrestling ‘smack-down’. In retrospect, the high school cafeteria was a remarkably effective incubator because it allowed things to sort of find their natural shape. if you stop to think about it, the geeks wouldn’t have felt free to be geeks if they had good-looking jocks at their lunch table, and consequently, today we prolly wouldn’t have the iPod.Similarly, there’s no need for all artists (read: purveyors of commercial content) to be ‘deep’. Everyone should do what they do best. You know why Thom Yorke is deep? Probably cuz he can’t help it, it’s how he sees the world. And thank gawd he’s not out there singing the ‘feel good hit of the summer’ in a pair of leather pants. Meanwhile, Mariah looks pretty damn good in leather. I’m thankful for this song, the way many Americans are thankful for Krispy Kreme.So anyway, people better stop bagging on her or else I’m gonna have to freak-out and film myself like that weird “Leave Britney Alone” guy. For real.