my trashcan sings, at times like Sinatra, and lately a tune i'd taught it from Young Galaxy. it got plenty of air time over the weekend as i gave my laptop a once-over. i sat there and hit "empty" and listened to its best Stephen Ramsay voice sing to me softly, repeatedly: "No, you won't get out of this world alive, no matter how hard you try, try, try." and i sat and listened and pondered my own mortality.
i thought about Milan Kundera, of whom i have read one book, Immortality, which i loved but remember vaguely. he wrote of a couple in their forties, i think, whose love for each other was being eclipsed just then by each one's struggle to matter in the world before leaving it behind, a last-minute go at immortality - learn to swim, get a young lover, travel with a daughter - now that the clock was ticking humorlessly.
my trashcan took me as far back as the first time i ever came to be a fan of any band. Duran Duran possibly took me through my first crush, first heartbreak, earliest poetry, earliest rebellion. adolescence easily stands for the days of being wild but i suspect it was at a far younger age, maybe 6 or 8, through music, that we had our first bloody taste of how it was to be a muse, a radical, an immortal.
this is the universal cycle, no? first you lose your virginity, then you find a relationship. i find Tori Amos. i could swear she is talking to me and about me, so i make her a goddess and bind her to me for all eternity. i abuse her music to push my art, my angst, my hubris; to find myself. one day i will catch myself saying, "They just don't make music like they used to" - i will be wrong and simply past my Velcroing days.
i am now hovering at my third date with immortality through music and wondering what to wear. is mogging a hint? will it be about listening to anything and everything, no longer to make a judgment of good vs. bad but allow layers of sound to separate and show me the existential blanket? or kind of a long-running marriage in which i'd be thankful for good fried chicken, you think? or a divorce, freedom at a cost, solitude accompanied by good days and bad?
i don't know. i'm not, like, old and wise. i know time hangs when i hear music. in the first quarter of Donnie Darko, one of my theories was that in our last second before death we live out all the possible permutations of our life, all our what-ifs and could've-beens. these permutations are not infinite, but countless enough that we will seem to live that final second infinitely and not ever meet an ending.
a suspension, a quasi-infinite second: not getting out of this world alive. for the weekend, that was my immortality.
My Trusted MOGs
and my trashcan can sing.
No Matter How Hard You Try : Young Galaxy : Young Galaxy
Hang around. You hang around like a city full of setting suns. And here's to your health then drown yourselves to render the disappointment stunned. And the city sleeps while others creep, trying to shake the night's mistakes. Unlike every face caught in the race, I am not ashamed 'cause in the back of my mind is a feeling: So glad there is a stillness untouched by human hands and a voice that sighs: "Oh, you won't get out of this world alive no matter how hard you try, try, try." (No matter how hard you try.) Can't sleep. Oh, I can't sleep, so I send a message down the wires. As the hurt spins and the air begins, my thoughts will secretly conspire to find the way to change my days, to find the bit of higher ground. Unlike every day that falls away, I will face the sun.
My Trusted MOGs
Anyway feat. Mau : Télépopmusik : Angel Milk
And I'm not sure what this is all about, as we watch the waves crashing in and out. And only they know what we've found, and it almost feels like daytime now. Somehow we're going to make it through. I'll break every single rule for you. Well, I'll try to, at least, anyway. We decided to turn our world around, we can drive away from this loser town. Have to escape or go insane, a thousand miles an hour through the rain. And we're not sure if we even know just where we are or where we're going to go. But we're not afraid, not tonight, going to try all we can to get it right.
My Trusted MOGs
Awesomely done! Remember: One woman's trashcan is another woman's fountain of expression and hope.
You get it right,a lot..
My Trusted MOGs
What an existential weekend you had. I watched the football. ;)
Great read, thoughts that occurred to me: "will it be about listening to anything and everything, no longer to make a judgment of good vs. bad but allow layers of sound to separate and show me the existential blanket?" Alan Moore says he tries to not be cool and to like everything. Except DC comics, or course, who he despises and conjures up magik spells against on a weekly basis...I imagine.
"one of my theories was that in our last second before death we live out all the possible permutations of our life, all our what-ifs and could've-beens. these permutations are not infinite, but countless enough that we will seem to live that final second infinitely and not ever meet an ending." Great theory. Would make a terrific(very long?) film in it's own right.
Btw, the song lyrics you quote seem to be about wanting to change your direction in life. Heady stuff...the stuff of quarter-life crises...so I recommend some Kylie for next weekend.
My Trusted MOGs
At 51, I can only hope to be perhaps more experienced at dealing with it. I think, after awhile, some part just becomes more or less numb. It irritates me to reflect on a book I read 15-20 years ago and only vaguely recollet. But rarely does that irritation lead to a re-read. Too many other mundane or inane things to occupy the fleeting...time.
You have more wisdom than you give yourself credit for. Oh, and wear something warm, I hate getting caught without a sweatshirt if it turns chill.
My Trusted MOGs
Heeeeeeey darlin'!
Surprise surprise. Once again, we are synchronized. Right down to the Kundera. I mean, it's freakish sometimes Poe! :)
I was just in my kitchen and some chickadees (one of my favorite birds) showed up at my window looking for food for the first time in a long time, just as my heart was feeling very uplifted by thinking about the movie Once. I smiled and thought of a line from The Unbearable Lightness of Being...it was something to the effect of "and love came down to him, like birds to the shoulders of Francis of Assisi."
Second - how much do you love Wes Anderson? I wish I could find contact information for him, AND Richard Kelly AND Aronofsky. Those guys have something special going on, a vision. I'm assuming they are pals, but I could be wrong. Just try tracking down a contact address for them though...
I finally watched Darjeeling the other night. I knew I would love it. I fell in love with The Life Aquatic and everyone in it.
And it definitely did not disappoint. So beautiful, so funny, so touching. Such great acting. The only thing I knew about it was that there were 3 brothers on a train in India. Before the movie started I was asking Dave what he thought the message was of Life Aquatic...then I started on what I thought the message would be in Darjeeling. From the first reference to the mother I knew what the significance of that would be. I even knew what one of the character's lines was gonna be and said it just before they did. Dave has gotten used to this sorta thing happening, but funny, still doubts me sometimes.
And of course - everyone's favorite response, "it's just a coincidence." I've heard that so much lately, I can't believe the people saying it aren't tired of hearing themselves say it. ;)
I have more to say, my dear. I'm going for a smoke break though.
But yes, a lot of great movies these past few years have been dealing with the theme of death, acceptance, immortality, the divine Feminine, etc. Donnie Darko, The Fountain, The Life Aquatic, The Darjeeling....what are those guys up to, do you ask...?
Why, it's one of my favorite topics, Ilay! Thanks for bringing it up (I knew you would). xoxo
My Trusted MOGs
Oh dear...where to start? I think I'll write some things down and get back, if you don't mind. [Starting...Title...Comment to "i m mortality or fuck you midlife crisis"]
My Trusted MOGs
For fun, the quote I quoted -
"I guess I've still got a lot of healing to do."
"Gettin' there, though."
I swear, haha, seconds before this scene, I said "they have a lot of healing to do. They're gettin' there though."
Another interesting sidenote -
Donnie Darko is one of my favorite movies. I had watched it a few times. When I finally got around to watching The Fountain - and was very moved by it, again, not really knowing what it was supposed to be about beforehand - I realized it was full of Templar symbolism. Only someone who knows a lot about that stuff would see it though. But it's there. Then the next day Dave suggested we watch Donnie Darko again, it had been awhile. As we started watching it, I realized DD is full of it too, a connection I had never made before. It blew me over. Maybe if I hadn't watched them within 24hrs of each other I still wouldn't have made the connection for awhile.
THEN....for the first time ever (and I consider myself a pretty observant person, usually), I noticed that on the movie marquee The Last Temptation of Christ is on the bill. Um. How did I never notice this before? Halloween, small-town America...why the hell would that be on the bill? Because TLTOC IS the story. :)
I may be crazy, but heck, my stories sure make life more interesting.
And, as we already know, music is one of the keys.
Do you know what Kelly has been working on lately? Enjoy this link... http://southlandtales.com/
My Trusted MOGs
Cody: thanks for the trash talk. if it worked for Shirley Manson, it can work for me. (8
Colin: i am the worst weekend spender. if only i brought home 3 chick flick DVDs and then called for pizza, there'd be no room for all this angst. lesson learned - goodbye, worries, hello, new Spice Girls!
Alan Moore is confusing me - is it cool to like or not like everything?
"Would make a terrific(very long?) film in it's own right." - ROFL. could i possibly have been channeling Limahl singing Neverending Story?
quarter-life crisis sounds awful scary. do you mean i have to go through this another 3 times?!?
Scott: the truth is i am only 55% sure what i wrote up there is really what the book Immortality is about. i frankly can't remember although i am quite sure i loved it.
i don't know if i want numbness. i was lately reminded of Garden State, the movie by Zach Braff, by a newer movie starring pharmaceuticals that i just saw. highness sounds more appealing. 3)
Helen: take all the time you need, dear. i will be here, forever glum and moping, whenever you get back. (+
(Kris, i have a ton of replies to your comments. i am going to need several minutes. or possibly longer.)
My Trusted MOGs
haha, I know it! Take as long as you like, I'll definitely be checking back in...
Life is good. It's a bloody miracle just to be here in the first place, isn't it?
It seems that lately I've had a lot of conversations about acceptance, letting go, freedom, happiness, fulfillment...
To quote from Darjeeling again..."We haven't located us yet."
:)
My Trusted MOGs
Kris: you are too psychic, get away from me. ;d don't think i've forgotten - you are one of only two people i know who love Margaret Atwood just like i do.
so let's see. Darren Aronofsky, Richard Kelly, AND Wes Anderson. i am way in love with them, i swear. if i knew how to find them, i would be stalking them right now instead of mogging. Pi, Donnie Darko, and Rushmore changed my life, those were the first films by those guys i ever saw and are still in my all-time favorites.
i was reading your 2nd comment and got to the part of The Last Temptation of Christ, and was going like, "that was the idea," and then you said it. (; Kelly is so rockin' - i keep watching even that movie Domino because he wrote the script.
i guess i remember the many Templar symbolisms in The Fountain, and i did love that movie, but i was in a real ugly place in life when i saw it. i need to see it again.
haven't seen The Darjeeling Limited or Southland Tales. can't effin wait, i tell ya.
hey, that line you quoted from The Unbearable Lightness of Being, how amazing and true. that is kind of how love coming down feels like, doesn't it? i could swear there's another novel - Chronicle of a Death Foretold, maybe? - where birds flocked to this guy who just found love, followed him around, down to pooping around him.
"We haven't located us yet." - oh my, this is sounding so irresistibly Wes Anderson. i am too excited.
i know i've mentioned this before - i had never witnessed any real death all these years, and then, bam!, suddenly i've had 3 and counting since late 2006. i say "and counting" because just today i got news of a 4th one. it's so weird, it's like this increasingly louder sign being sent to me to let go and be free. boy, am i having a real existential extravaganza right now.
hey, i don't know if you knew i smoked, but anyway, i quit around September. i get serious cravings tho every now and then - like totally right now. (+
almost 2 am. 'night, Kris!
My Trusted MOGs
I know you've been going through that the last couple of years, and figured another death just passed through your life or was about to. Who now?
Death is not the end. I don't claim to have any answers, but that simple Truth I do know. It took me a long time though.
Life is long....but short. We better make the most of it while we're here eh? Are we focussed on the wrong things? Often. We're getting there though.
Oh, and don't ya dare start smoking again! Good for you. I've been planning on quitting (again) any time now....
though I gotta say, every time one of the characters in Darjeeling said, "let's have a drink and a cigarette", which was actually the last line of the movie, I inwardly said "hell yeah. Let's." haha.
And YES! Love does indeed feel like that. I guess that's why I always remembered that line after all these years. Plus, I dig St Francis.
Love ya, sweet dreams....
My Trusted MOGs
i like listening to you girls talk.
hey poe, good on you for quiting smoking!!! not easy. i know. i can almost smell kristiana's ciggy from here... speaking of temptations...
My Trusted MOGs
hehe, hey there Jeff! That's one thing we're definitely good at - imagine if we could get ourselves in a room together...we'd deplete the oxygen pretty quickly! One day, we hope!
My Trusted MOGs
Kris, you know how you have these really good office friends? you don't really hang out together outside work, but at work, they are life savers who get you through all the crap? one of them really good office friends died. he was just a kid (early 20s) when i met him, and we all changed jobs and lost touch, and the next thing i know he's dead. how bizarre.
me, too! second time quitting! the first time lasted a year. movies are the worst temptation.
yeah, i dig St. Francis.
"Life is long....but short." - man, that is soo deep.
Jeff, there you are! i feel like you disappeared for a really long time. he he, don't i know - i watched Thank You For Not Smoking a while back and all i wanted to do the whole time was freakin' smoke.
My Trusted MOGs
Oh Poe, it's so hard to see them go young. The first person I "lost", whom I actually cared about, was also very young. I was young too, 21, and didn't know how to deal with it at all. I started devouring books about Buddhism, and well, trying to glean wisdom from any spiritual school that made sense, piecing it all together into my own picture of the universe. It still seemed to take a long time to make peace with it. But of course, things take as long as they do.
I look at someone like my mother, who is 53, and she still hasn't found any acceptance of her own mother's death. Of course, there is the whole context to consider, but still...I feel so bad for her. I hope she finds it before her own deathbed. Hence the idea of reincarnation, wha? A pretty intuitive concept, I've always found.
I don't know if your friend was killed in an accident (as was mine), of sickness, or what have you. A couple of years ago I was taking a Native Education course (taught by a local Native elder, of course, or otherwise I wouldn't have) and near the end of the semester his teen-aged son killed himself. It was a once a week 3hr course - one class was canceled, but we didn't know why. The next class was as scheduled, and his wife, also a very active local Elder, came to teach the class as well. We were following the syllabus as usual. I could see that obviously he was very sad but smiling nonetheless, answering our questions in his usual kind, thoughtful way. And his wife - she just radiated goodness and kindness, had the most beautiful smile.
It was obvious all the Native kids in the class, from different parts of the province, knew what was going on. At the break I finally asked one of them whom they had lost, and they told me. And I was floored.
After the break, they had decided to tell us what they had been through those past 2 weeks. They had been accompanying each other to their classes (she also taught at the university) and what not. They spoke about how they had lost their son, and how difficult it indeed was. But at the ceremonial banquet, here is what the Elders told these grieving parents - that some souls are stuck in between this world and the other world, and sometimes the pull towards the other world is greater because that soul has work to do there. That their spirit needs to go to the other side in order to intervene in this world in a more meaningful and helpful way. I'm paraphrasing of course, but that was the idea.
A bit nicer than, say, the Catholic version of damned souls.
One of my band-mates is still grieving his younger brother's death in a car accident a couple of years ago, and this is very much a part of the process of my band.
Oh, and when you get a chance to see Darjeeling - don't have a pack of smokes around.
"Do you want to go in the bathroom and smoke a cigarette with me?" We'll have a laugh over that later.
Oh! And I know you'll appreciate this! I've written a few, what I thought were, siren songs, but I finally found MY siren song last night (I think, haha). It started with one riff a few weeks ago, and suddenly it all came together - I added a third part, and singing, and there it was. Yaaa!
My Trusted MOGs
Poe, your electronic quilt is one of the nimblest I've been given to read. -- You're going to think that I'm thick, which I am anyway but now I'm just blown away by the brilliance of your title. It reminds me of some the portmanteaux and anagrams so dear to Charles Lutwidge Dodgson.
Is it because music is the only art which exists on its own, even without art as Kierkegaard says that it is so inextricable from the fabric of our lives? My mind is a bit a hazy so I won't be able to tell which music is associated with the key moments of my life but somehow I think most of them are bitter bitter sweet.
This snippet of Hope Sandoval will do nicely (YT video-embedding was disabled)
My Trusted MOGs
ha ha, i feel like i have disappeared too. been sick as a dog with a fever last week. the week before that i was holed up in a studio space recording a friends band. here is a link to one of the rough mixes for ya... http://www.badongo.com/file/7770007 plus swimming lessons for the kid, and work is picking up again. dang, where is a guy gonna get time to lurk online? sorry to hear about your friend passing away. that is sad. it's always saddening when someone goes, but even more of a shock when they are young. well keep up the good work with the non smoking. don't watch "coffee and cigarettes" whatever you do. i'm coming up on my two year of tobacco free anniversary. now i just need to figure out how to quit ice cream!
My Trusted MOGs
Kris, ohh yayy, YOUR siren song! oh! oh my gosh i am too thrilled! i can't imagine how awe-inspiring it must be. you are going to let us hear a decent recording of it ...right? funny - i had this same conversation with you and Jeff.
what your local Native elders said about souls being given to a greater pull towards where they answer to a bigger purpose is something new to me and i like the idea. a similarly lovely thing i was told about the death of someone young, by a friend who is now a metaphysics teacher, is that some souls just need to cross a world (say, this world) very briefly in order to reach another world where that soul really is going.
the second greatest loss i've had to death so far is my father. for some reason i haven't even really started to grieve it, but i have nightmares involving him many nights a week. things take time, do they not?
Michael, my electronic quilt is much obliged and now wishes to rename me as poebenimble. (; i personally can not fish for a greater compliment than any association with LC's wordsmithery; should i consider a career in hiphop, perhaps?
that was a marvellous question you asked. i do think music became an art form residing outside all forms of art the moment sound (art) got mixed up with words (language). i suspect Kierkegaard, who had once pseudonymmed himself Eremita, was an agoraphobic (edit: crowd-hating) escapist like myself and, further, rendered sleepless by thoughts of faith and jilted loves.
thanks for Hope Sandoval. a voice suited perfectly to riding one's existential angst.
Jeff, the story is that one of my best friends decided to quit smoking, and he was such an avid smoker that, if he could quit smoking, anyone could do anything. when he told me his plan a day ahead, i got so incredibly challenged that i quit right there and then, a day ahead of him. so here i am - a non-smoker. ;D
funny - the same guy also told me to not watch Coffee and Cigarettes. wow, congrats on two years!
thanks for the link, i shall follow it later. work is heavy on these parts, too. quitting ice cream, LOL, so cute. somehow i outgrew it just like that, but unfortunately remain hooked on cake.
My Trusted MOGs
Alright, alright...I've kind of put this off (as well as pictures of the cigar box work and paintings I've done-it's the self-conscious artist in me).
I love and hate these conversations at the same time. It's like...I love to fall asleep watching discovery science and having thoughts of nebula's and stars in my dreams, but then I wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares involving black holes, I feel maybe I should opt for Sex in the City next time.
I relate with a lot of your feeling. You put it all so well, with less filler than I do (and I'm about to do here). It's comforting hearing other's thoughts on the same depths and to know they feel moved enough to create their thoughts in writing and music. I feel insulted, at times, by one very close to me when they blow off my curiousity and desire to talk about what's to come and what it is. I know it's deep shit and people prefer to drink and smoke (not just the ciggie's mind you) and whatever to be involved in lighter things. But don't act like the thought only exists in my head (sorry goin off here...)
What I continually try to figure out are coincidences. In the span of 5 months in 05-06 our family lost 2 and I was struggling with preparing for the loss of my Grandpa who had Alzheimer's and soon passed on after the 2. Since I've been trying to figure out...is it me becoming more conscience of my surroundings or am I getting pointed in certain directions. Am I driving or being driven? What am I suppose to do with this situation?! There's too much going on for me to dismiss this (especially in 06 quicky after it all, strange things were happening) Also since then, are positive feelings that the "coincidences" are way too frequent to mean nothing, even if it's only meeting someone and feeling they're there for just a small purpose, like recommending a book. Things with nature are too phenomenal and I turn to that to back up my thoughts. The salmon returning to the same river they born to have theirs, and such. Like Kristian's point "I can't believe the people saying it aren't tired of hearing themselves say it" Me...I'm tired of talking about the coincidences, myself. At times it's just not worth explaining. I have a good (local) buddy who relates, which is cool. But the majority of the time I don't talk about em much.
When I first heard (and hear) music that touches on the ideas of immortality, organized religion (specifically contempt for the Christian perspective, perhaps a separate discussion), and spirituality in general it lifted and comforted me more than any bible school teacher, preacher, father, priest or denomination of a church I was ever involved (and my parents took us through many in their own search of enlightenment). I have those first few songs (and hey...they were even mainstream at the time, there was no other way to find em in the early 90's), from U2's Joshua Tree, to thank for getting me involved. The thoughts come and go, say more often than mid-life and even quarter life. I definitely distract myself with fun, but they're always there in the background of my brain waves...
So the music, doesn't it help ease the thoughts? It's a circle of wonder and comfort in my mind.
I love hearing new deep discovery's but will regularly go back to Pearl Jam, grab the lyrics and listen...
Last Exit "Life's a game of chess..."Look ma, watch me crash"... No time to question...why'd nothing last... Grasp and hold on...we're dyin' fast... Soon be older...and I will be last... Let the ocean swell, dissolve 'way my past Three days maybe longer, won't even know I've left Under your tounge...I'm not content... I will give you what...you're not s'posed to have... Under my breath...I swear by sin... For better or for worse...a best we began... Let the sun climb, oh, burn 'way my mask Three days maybe longer, shed my skin at last...shed...shed... Let the sun shine, burn 'way my mask Three days maybe longer, won't even find me here Let the ocean dissolve 'way my past Four days, never stronger Let my spirit pass... Ooh...This is, this is... (3x) My...last exit"
Leash "Troubled souls unite, we got ourselves tonight, oh... I am fuel, you are friends, we got the means to make amends I am lost, I'm no guide, but I'm by your side I am right by your side, yeah... Young lover I stand It was their idea, I proved to be a man Take my fucking hand It was their idea, I proved to be a man Will myself to find a home, a home within myself We will find a way, we will find our place"
And after all that I try to just remember this phrase... "Restless soul, enjoy your youth"
Phew...thanks for letting me get that out.
Much love ilay!
My Trusted MOGs
Helen, phewie. (:
first, i really do believe there is that period in our lives when we are most attached to music, and that period is often the height of our self-searching. not only music but all expressions of creativity we're inclined towards. in my case, i am most attached to music and movies from the early to mid '90s, a time that was possibly my biggest taste of freedom. Pearl Jam was right around that time, too, i think?
second, i just spent the last many years trying to be "normally" alright and content. i managed to convince myself that all my angst was just in my head and the world around me was really trouble-free, so i set about living a happy normal life, and fell on my face doing a silly thing like that. the lesson of course is that, if i don't feel contented, i obviously haven't found contentment (more accurately, enlightenment) and simply have to keep searching instead of escaping the search by faking it.
as you say, some things are too phenomenal to be a coincidence. my bottomline is that i listen to intuition, or at least try to. i don't always act upon it but it's there to remind me that not all outcomes are predictable. and the odds of something happening is 50/50 - it does or it doesn't. :D
luv your Pear Jam quote. much love back to you, dear!
My Trusted MOGs
intuition...yes...intuition.
; )