I'm Going To Be Serious 100% of the Time

I wish things could go back to normal around here. It seems like life continues to fall apart the longer it goes on. Last year was so simple. Get up, go to class, nap, go to class, get high, watch Law and Order, go to sleep. Occasionally you can add in "get drunk," "hook up," "go to a show," or "do x drug." This year is so awful.

Get up, take adderall, go to class, take adderall, go to the library, study, get call from adam, study, smoke a cigarette, study, take adderall, study, study, study, get a phone call to get high, debate on whether or not to go, smoke a cigarette, study, then either go to Will's or go home.

Today is a Sunday, however, and things don't work the same on weekends. And, though I love my free time, I think it totally screws with my emotions. Let me elabourate:

Friday: I pretty much stayed in my room all day on account of contracting the norovirus. Around 4 or 5, Kris calls me and we go over to Lucky to smoke for a bit. I go home, am about to get into bed, and then Graham calls and comes over. It goes pretty much the same as any time he comes over, except that he might've muttered the words "I love you." But he was really drunk. So I ignore it.

Saturday: I got up around 10:15 and kind of gave the hint that I needed to start getting ready for the day, so Graham left. I then wound up in the parking lot amidst many tailgaters preparing for the game. Then followed the March Against Prop 8 from Library Mall to the Capital. Then we watched Centre Stage and smoked before picking up American Psycho and bringing it to Corry's. We then went to Indian food, played scattegories, and passed out while watching Christian Bale as the craziest motherfucker from the 80s. I went to Will's and was forced into watching some movie about a sexaholic. It was awful. Then I was kicked out when his girlfriend was coming over (and understandably so). I got back into bed which is where my Sunday will begin.

Sunday: I woke up at 5pm. Yes. 5pm. I realized in the middle of the night that my phone had died and I really just couldn't be bothered anymore. I was supposed to go to the library tonight, but I really don't think I will. The first thing I do is charge my phone and receive 8 text messages and 4 or 5 missed calls-one of them from Adam. So I call him back and we start talking about things. Recently, he's been increasingly more sarcastic towards me, which is fine, except for when it goes too far and I can't tell when he's joking or not. So I told him that, and I told him it upset me that I couldn't tell if he was lying to my or not. His solution to the problem: I'm going to be serious 100% of the time.

This does not work. I don't understand why there can't be a solution that doesn't include all or nothing, why things can't go back to the way they were before. The way I want to remember our friendship is last year when we sang Anyone Else But You in my room together and recorded it for facebook.

That song was so perfect in describing how things were. They were simple, I didn't have to try to be friends, and I certainly did not wind up in tears after every phone call. The song was even perfect because we didn't have to change any of the lyrics! The line "My name is Adam, I'm your biggest fan" fit in so well and was such a coincidence that it seemed like things would stay like this forever.

I wish so badly that my life could go back to this song. That I could live in this song, even. Instead, I'm stuck in my room with used tissues all over my desk, accompanied only by silence because the only song I want to listen to right now is Anyone Else But You, but I know that if I do, the only thing that will happen is that I will break down into a million quarter notes, and eighth notes, and sixteenth notes until what's left is a song no one will be able to hear. Given the pressure of school and society, I don't think that this would benefit anyone, so for now, I guess I'll have to remain in silence until some change comes along-hopefully fast because a world without music is like a person without a heartbeat.