I’d cued up cuckoo’s nest with my trusty remote
To scare all those little buggers upstairs in bed
And what to my wandering eyes should approach
He had a fat face and a flabby beer belly
I mean, let's make her just as bright as she can be
And middle-aged has-been’s with washed up careers
What do you say we light her up and chuck her
You know, doing your little Christmas things
What would I wear on my feet Christmas day?
As all that without giving the neighbors
Not good enough though, is it?
Day in and day out, just trying as hard as he can
“Now Magic, now Worthy, now Scott and Kareem
I stretched, gave a yawn, settled back in my chair
But the Los Angeles Lakers, and Pat Riley, their coach
Cuckoo’s nest, the shining, witches of fricking Eastwick
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his face
String up these pretty lights here
“Lets see what you get from your old buddy Jack
No point in having a tree as bright
Oh, she’s looking brighter already
There, aren’t you glad ole’ Jack stopped by
Did you ever think of good ole Jack for a second?
Did you ever stop and think of
And his shirt was clawed to shreds by Shirley Maclaine
No, you want me to brighten up the Christmas season too?
Maybe, I wasn’t good enough
She could really use something to kill that bug up her chimney
More rapid than the Celtics these Lakers they came
What could I do? What could I say?
That’s when I saw him: the man at the wheel
You know Jack from the movies up on the big screen
With all your little Christmas friends
But I’ll fix them all and play Santa this year”
I only get calls to play weirdo’s and crazies
Pouring his heart out, giving it everything he’s got
When out in the yard, there arose such a noise
I asked for a reason and turning his head
He threw all the stockings into the fireplace
I turned off the TV to see what it was
When you’re out Christmas shopping
He was wearing a trench coat, with beer it was stained
With a big bowl of popcorn, watching TV
What do you say we decorate the tree?
Through the old picture window here?
To the part where he had all the nuts in the boat
Did you ever stop to think of what Jack might like for Christmas?
In the postman always rings twice
And I knew in a second it must be Jack Nick
Isn’t that what you want, pal?
The children were lying awake without sleep
And ram her on the top branch, huh?
“Why? You wanna know why?
They’d seen all his movies; He gives them the creeps
To bring a tiny little bit of sunshine
That I’ll always remember that devilish grin
A hatchet for daddy", he reared back his head
Spreading all that Christmas cheer
A chance to see, don’t you think?
The limo was racing, the team at its heels
As he made for his limo and bade his goodbye
No, not once, maybe old Jack just wasn’t that good
He said, “It's tough when an actor becomes fat and lazy
That visit from St. Nicholson, which I’d sooner forget
“Merry Christmas to all and I hope I never see you again
What do you say we take this cute little angel
He looked straight at me and here’s what he said
But I swear by the goose bumps upon my skin
Then he brushed off the suit and said, “Honey, I’m home”
Do you really wanna know why, pal? I’ll tell you why
He screamed like a mad man and called them by name
He ranted and cursed, and waved round his swizzle stick
The flames towered brightly in the cold, wintry sky
On Cooper, on Rambis and the rest of the team”
Acting my guts out for you in that one
From too many trips to the bar and the deli
And an age may unfold air I fail to regret
In hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there
Picking up a little something for old Jack?
Just to brighten things up for you
Down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a groan
And a stiff drink for mommy in a nice tall glass
Prizzi’s fricking honor, all for you, pal
And with that, he buried his head in the sack and said
With those stupid Christmas songs?
Into your miserable little humdrum lives
How about some gasoline for the whole thing?
And his voice, crying out as he faded from sight
Okay, let's make things real bright around here
