MOG

Oh Baby,

Pimp's post here (and Lucy's old Multi post which miraculously showed up as new on my message board) just got me started with another crying festival. I swear, if this doesn't stop anytime soon I'll head down to the park and score some herb, see if that soothes me.

Or, gives me sleep, and I mean, deep _dream-less_ sleep. This morning, I managed to oversleep my alarm once more, and I even resisted Fabian's attempts to wake me... he claims I spoke to him, but that must have been in my sleep because I don't remember anything.

What I do remember is the dream I had, that made waking up just so horrible. In my dream, I was having a baby with you. Cool thing about dreams, you don't really dream the pain... all I knew was I was so happy happy happy... in the morning, I had to think of how different that dream was to Fabian's birth... of course real blood and pain, but also, I felt so utterly alone, having to go through the ordeal of pushing out that child... and I just wanted to be alone, I hid in the bathroom for hours... couldn't stand his daddy's touch, and when he passed out (he'd been awake for 36 hours and all that blood made him think I was dying), I was rather glad... one worry less...

You know I read some of our old e-mails again... you were really hurt when I said I wasn't sure about children... I hope you understood that I was doubtful because of my depressions! I wasn't doubting you and me. I was actually amazed at the possibility of a child conceived out of _love_... instead of a habit of sloppy contraception...

I even found myself wishing I'd kept up that habit when I came to see you. (On that Montgomery Shepard spin-off of Grey's anatomy, which is rather crap btw, there was an episode with a woman whose fiancé died suddenly, and she told the hospital to retrieve some of his sperm so she could still have his baby. It's kinda perverse, but I'm totally getting it... )

Lady gave me the idea to watch online documentaries when I need distraction... which is a good idea. Does make me sad, because I can't help thinking that you'd be interested in the "critical" stuff, too... and realising that I don't really have someone to watch TV with anymore...

Bere and I used to watch stuff together, but she doesn't have time for anything these days, she started her training in psychoanalysis which takes up most of her free time... Klaus, my old friend, is a new father, so he isn't free much anymore either... my sister's far away... not many other people I know are able to watch English language programs at all, not to mention interested in politics or science...

The good news is, my sister is coming over for my birthday next month. She called me this morning when she was checking flights (and saved Fabian's ass to get to school _almost_ in time, by waking me up with her call). When she's here, I'm gonna ask her if she could take Fabian for a while so I can finally come to your resting place. Or, maybe she'd help in funding his ticket, so he can come along... you think your mama's gonna like him? (My guess is, she'll think those very same thoughts that are haunting me today... why oh why were you denied the joy of your very own little crumbsnatcher...

Aaaahhhh... I went over to multi to look for the links, got lost in the linkage, and thanks very much, I'm better... 3:17 am, no sign of sleepiness, but no more tears either. Also I ate two whole bars of chocolate while browsing so today I won't lose another pound. (Getting kinda thin... one of these days, I looked down on me and the thought crossed my mind what your mother is going to say when she sees my bony ass... hope she doesn't think you went crazy... or maybe I get my appetite back by then...)

Damn, man! I hear you... you're saying _Fuck you, crazy bitch!_, and you know what I'm replying... brings an ear-to-ear smile to my face.