This is what I wrote yesterday before talking to your mom...
... Lufthansa sent out an e-mail about cheopo fares to California... was gonna delete it but then I remembered I need a flight to the East Coast. Washington is about 600 bucks, and I'm gonna cough them up somehow. Why didn't I do that when you were alive?
Thought of good old Orpheus. Remembered that I can't bring you back, no matter how well I could learn how to write... The classics knew their stuff all right. Whatever I'm giving, and whatever I'm learning, it's all just for me. I just wonder why my primitive brain won't stop trying to barter for you... (Would I give a hand? An arm? My mother, my child?)
What makes me feel these feelings? And what would I give to hear what you think about them...
... later, I finally got the courage to call your mom. Hard to say what kept me from it for 2 days since I have her number... In part, I felt a bit like an intruder, and then I was afraid her grief was going to be the final straw. It wasn't, though..
Your momma embraced me completely... she was so glad to hear from me, "of course" you had told her about your plans, and about me... I'm going to be in touch, and I'm looking forward to meeting her soon... it's a sad thing to look forward to, thought it means everything to me. Gives me the courage to at least recognize what I am now in this life. I am your widow. I am Chris Pryor's widow. (Not according to the law, however, and that small-minded part of me makes me wanna feel like an impostor... but I'm not... we had your mama's blessing... that's beautifully-sad instead of the millions of minutes of ugly-sad...
(Yeah Chris, once more I was a little fool for doubting you'd told your mama about me... I mean you said you did... stupid doubts... thanks for forgiving small stupidities. And by the way, I love you.)
Thanks Connie and Mark for Curtis Mayfield on the M... much love!
My Trusted MOGs
P.S...
Your mama said she sometimes told you "Don't push yourself so hard". She said, "my boy he pushed himself so hard. He wanted to be somebody."
Oh you were somebody. While I was tempted to think that you shouldn't have pushed so hard... It is clear as the sunlight that pushing so hard was what made you who you are. Like in that Chico Buarque song... that's what "dying from your own poison" means... Thanks for pushing! Thanks for caring! Thanks for giving everything you had... I love you!
My Trusted MOGs
You have been digging up some powerful chunks of truth. Your writing is kicking ass right now, and Chris knows it.
My Trusted MOGs
Thanks ivy, for everything :) :( :)
My Trusted MOGs
Kid..you are letting it rip! Right the fuck on.
Somebody, KIDG, I think, posted a remix of curtis today..glad to here it this way..
My Trusted MOGs
Sending virtual hugs here to you, micki. A wonderful post and as ivylander says -- you have been digging up powerful chunks of truth. That is for real! Thank you for sharing and sharing with us.
Hugs,
2Serenity, 2S or Jennifer or as Prince says - whatever!
Loving this song by Curtis Mayfield. Speaks the truth. My parents used to play this all the time when I was a kid. Makes me think of Sesame Street for the oddest reason!
My Trusted MOGs
It took ALot of courage to cal his C's mother. I'm so glad she embraced you. It must be a lovely feeling, like warmth in the middle of a very cold winter.
My Trusted MOGs
that man was SOMEDAMNBODY special here it goes again
My Trusted MOGs
Yes, indeed, micki and Pimpster. C.P. was somebody and touched and inspired so many. I just hope his mother truly understands how well-liked and well-regarded Chris was - and how much he is missed by people beyond you, his family, and his closest friends.
My Trusted MOGs
Love, Anna! Love, too, Keith and Mike... yeah he was... I mean to me, he was My Man... but he was special beyond that... I think his mom is getting that, too... Chris tried to thing BIG, and it scared her... she must have been afraid for him... but she can see how it's who he was, and she's really really proud of that, too.
My Trusted MOGs
Cody, I just read the comments again and I ALWAYS miss yours first time around... you have a talent for commenting right inbetween ;) Big hug and thanks for the encouragement... I'm afraid I'm fucking trying to prove something to Chris, yo... as if that was necessary. Aww.... human beings...