... it's Sunday morning... it was two weeks ago that you were already gone and I just went int another day happily, like we had all the time in the world... thing is, I'd need your help with something... you're gone... I read it so many times, even heard it said... (I spoke with Lyle on the phone last night... can you believe that?)
Chris, I feel like all the time I'm missing something... I don't even know if it's something good, or bad... I'm obsessively covering all the guilt angles, I'm trying my best to spend time with good thoughts... which is often leading to more guilt guilt - oh if there had been more time! I mighta just made you happy! (Yeah well. You were the one who had the plan on how to make yourself happy, and you were going through with it. Let's just say, I might have just played a part in all that, making myself happy along the way.) You could make me happy! It was just that phone calls and reading your posts weren't enough... aaahhh I wish we'd had at least another half year... to get together... get fucking hitched! We were both afraid, but you know even as I was telling you I was afraid of that step, I had a feeling that being with you in the flesh again would end my doubts. When we met, were home at each other.
Now, I'm feeling like your future widow. My heart is kinda o.k. with the status, but the law is fucking us! What about your writing? What about your notes and hard-disks? Where are they now? I'm going to Virginia and try and be closer to you at the place they buried your body. But what about that, already! How many times have you tole me that you never ever wanted to return to Richmond. So many reasons. Chris, I'm gonna assume that it doesn't matter for you now.... still, people have last wishes for a reason. I don't really know where you would have wanted to be buried... and well, your momma needs you there I suppose... so I can make peace with that... but speaking of last wishes!
What would you have wanted to happen to your writings? All those notes? You know I got two little pieces of paper with some of your notes, they're here on my desk, been there for more than 6 months now... I love your handwriting... back to the point though... I'm feeling I should have your writings, so I'm hoping your mother has even taken care of your things over in LA. But never on earth would she have thought to go to the Apple place and pick up that MacBook... that HD... I'm gonna need to call her! I told your guy House and Larry about my worries... I'm TRYING to do something... something... knowing that nothing I could do can bring you back, struggling every minute against that sinking feeling.
And what it is I'm missing in all of this? Should I dare to embrace the joy that I shoulda appreciated so much more? (There's the road to regrets..) Should I just have the courage to try and turn off those regrets?
Or am I missing that I'm being a stupid careless beotch in some other, deeper way I'm too shallow to see? Oh no please my darling... tell me it's all good! Tell me it's all good!
Ouch... now this stupid mog machine is refusing to accept my music upload. Yeah great...
I'm listening to a Greek radio stream btw, it's Anna's show! You dig?
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mickimicki I so want to say something to soothe your soul but useless weak words cannot convey the thoughts adequately. You're strong and spirited, you must take from this what you need and move forward, never forgetting. He lives as long as you have memories.
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Roight... thanks for your compassion... it's a drag... (hug!)
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Yes it is (a drag). But I have the feeling you'll take the pain, anger and frustration and create a life that would make Chris even more proud of you.
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Gonna upload that tune after all. I'm over at a friend's house with my laptop and she's got such a slow uplink...
Chris, I'm getting dined and wined and coffee'd everywhere I go. At least I won't become much more scrawny-assed... I hope... you don't wanna see me all skin & bones. AHLSO, I'm working on an actually THOUGHT OUT post. Nothing to match your class, but you know, trying a little harder for once.
Love you baby.
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i hope you are able to that recovered damn his stuff is PRICELESS
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Yeah... priceless... I'm gonna do my best Keith!!! I don't really know yet how to go about this tho... Need contact with someone in the LA area who also is in contact with his momma. I'm working on it... thankful for any suggestions as to HOW though!!!
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well whom was crash's best friend there contact mike maybe or david
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Good idea... gonna do that!
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hope it works hun
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@ Crash: Thinking again now with just one little oat soda in my little head: How funny to think something like _"I don’t really know where you would have wanted to be buried…_"... I mean, I gotta think, you prolly did NOT want to be buried any time soon. And when I ask myself where I'd like to be buried, I have to say, I do not give a damn. I also don't really give a damn what's gonna happen to my things, but that's another story. I'm not a writer. I don't know what I'm living for. You did. You affected some people in your lifetime. You tried your hardest. I don't agree with you on everything and anything, you knew that all too well... still I don't wanna rest until I sifted through all the things you wrote, and see what use to make of them.
I have no idea if you care anymore... when I imagine death (foolhardy me, but don't we all?), I like to think of it as a state of supreme serenity, of benevolent amusement at the trials and tribulations of the earthly world... Or just, nothing. Either way... maybe I want to do this just to save my own soul... and if so... may I?
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I thought about all his stuff, too.......jewels from his life.....now those notes are priceless. I bet someone needs to do something before Nov. 1st, due to no rent will be paid...They might just throw his stuff out......Have you talked to his mama? She needs to know how much he meant to the world....and the status of his place in Pasadena.....I am in LA, if I can help........glamvan@aol.com
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I don't wanna sound like an escapee from an encounter group (which I am decidedly not), but this is a one-day-at-a-time thing, micki. I believe that you have the resolve to get through it. And though you are entitled to regrets, there's no point in feeling guilty for what was unsaid or undone when something so unexpected happens. His was a life too short - yet well lived. And there was nothing you or any of the rest of us could've done to change what happened. I do hope that you and glam and a few other friends can salvage his archives, if the family doesn't already have them.
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;-) thx Mike. That's the perspective I'm hoping to reach! You're dead on with "a day at a time". I know grief is a process, and some form of closure is possible... it's just not exactly around the next corner... I'm going through the downs and deep downs and not-quite-as-downs, and I'm most definitely rambling... still I'm gonna do it in public, because maybe there's another mourning soul somewhere some time who can get some consolation from my journey... I need to post this to show myself that I mean to get through even when the night is darkest... one day I hope to look back and have "come a long way"...
(Hearing Chris: "Ramble on, Mama..")
Big hug. And yeah wish me luck with the things!!!!!
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Micki -
I've been away from MOG & missed the news of Chris' passing... we had exchanged a few e-mails & iChats on the side - I'm still trying to catch up on this. I'm stunned, simply.
So sorry for your loss. Hang in there. :(