MOG

... but the login didn't want to take me... maybe someone else is logged in r/n...

Michelle's post has moved me deeply... here's what I felt after reading it, and feeling it... it's just rambling as usual... nowhere as thought out and wonderful as Michelle's words, or Chris' pieces... but I know you'll bear with me. I know one day I'll get "perspective" back...

Listen here and read, if you like...

You can imagine how I feel on a personal level... The way he touched my life, changed it... Trying to get out of this pain, I've actually been trying to think something like "hey, a year ago, you didn't even know him, just go back there". That's not how life is, if course, and that's also Chris: your're not the same after interacting with him. I'm stunned to see this isn't only true for me, with our "real life" relationship and all... of course my life changed direction, or found direction, when he came along... but now I see that people who did not have anything "personal" at stake have been profoundly moved by his strong spirit, his determination and confidence (which he maintained against odds and obstacles you don't want to know). He was one strong motherfucker... excuse my word, but he would approve... He kept his head up when I broke down under the pressure... I thought that everything depended on his strenght, on his perseverence, cause I felt if HE ever gave in while I was in the black hole, I wouldn't be able to pull him, us, out of the abyss. --- Well that never happened. He stayed strong. He persevered. And somehow I feel I did have a litte hand in it... I was a light in his life, too.... He didn't give up hope and he kept trying and finally, succeeding for a decent enough job to pay enough to allow him to make the jump over here, to give him independence for a while so that he could build up something from over here. Every morning he went on his endless commute... he'd once moved to Pasadena because he'd been working close by, and he found it hard to get an o.k. place somewhere more central, since, (apart from the race factor in the house market that made it way harder for him. Gotta mention that since he told me if he wanted to move he'd send me to rent the flat. That was his reality, all you lucky white boys & gals out there), he didn't want to have to work those dull jobs just to pay the rent... didn't want to tie himself down for something ultimately unfulfilling... he deliberately put up with a pretty frugal lifestyle, because he felt his life was about something other than a double garage... you know it worried me, because I'm a single mom who's getting desperate towards the end of too many months... because I've also been refusing to take on a "mind-killing" job but way too often doubt me choice of "life-style"; and I don't have his knowledge of self, his inner guide to what and who he wanted to be... I felt that in order to raise a bigger family, (that's what we both wanted), what were we going to do, we'd all be struggling forever... I doubted myself to be up for the challenge of life itself, not to mention the responsibility for another human being as precious as he was... He had the confidence. He believed in me, and most of all in himself. I thought it was his only stupidity to believe in me. Seriously!!! I can see that's the thoughs of a depressive, that was my demons. Now I feel like they were putting up an "endgame" fight against the Light, the Good that had been re-awakened in me by finding Chris. And we were finally winning against those demons! I could see a life for ourselves again, I could dare to believe that dreams CAN be achieved... that Chris, the loner (he was), and me, the loner, were going to fulfill our lives, together... I could see myself as "the woman on his side", and he made me shine brighter, too... we were quite different on some levels, still, what we had in common was so deep that we became parts of each other almost immediately, and in the deepest depth of depression, when I couldn't even talk to him because I felt like such a disappointment, he was still part of me on such a deep level that I couldn't and can't even see where "I end and he starts". It's hard to say that, because it sounds so incredible, so cliché... we only ever spent 10 days actually in the same place, so it to a sceptic like me it might seem like stupid crazy-talk to claim such a connection... But maybe here, in his online circle of friends, some of you can believe the kitschy scenario I'm building here, because that's how he saw it, too, and he was bold enough to stand for it, for his feelings, in his writing...

Posted on 10/27/2007

Tags: Chris Pryor, crashpryor, Christopher Pryor