and the world keeps turning...
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This is what I wrote yesterday before talking to your mom... ... Lufthansa sent out an e-mail about cheopo fares to California... was gonna delete it but then I remembered I need a flight to the East Coast. Washington is about 600 bucks, and I'm gonna cough them up somehow. Why didn't I do that when you were alive?Thought of good old Orpheus. Remembered that I can't bring you back, no matter how well I could learn how to write... The classics knew their stuff all right. Whatever I'm giving, and whatever I'm learning, it's all just for me. I just wonder why my primitive brain won't stop trying to barter for you... (Would I give a hand? An arm? My mother, my child?)What makes me feel these feelings? And what would I give to hear what you think about them... 
... later, I finally got the courage to call your mom. Hard to say what kept me from it for 2 days since I have her number... In part, I felt a bit like an intruder, and then I was afraid her grief was going to be the final straw. It wasn't, though..Your momma embraced me completely... she was so glad to hear from me, "of course" you had told her about your plans, and about me... I'm going to be in touch, and I'm looking forward to meeting her soon... it's a sad thing to look forward to, thought it means everything to me. Gives me the courage to at least recognize what I am now in this life. I am your widow. I am Chris Pryor's widow. (Not according to the law, however, and that small-minded part of me makes me wanna feel like an impostor... but I'm not... we had your mama's blessing... that's beautifully-sad instead of the millions of minutes of ugly-sad...(Yeah Chris, once more I was a little fool for doubting you'd told your mama about me... I mean you said you did... stupid doubts... thanks for forgiving small stupidities. And by the way, I love you.)Thanks Connie and Mark for Curtis Mayfield on the M... much love!
... later, I finally got the courage to call your mom. Hard to say what kept me from it for 2 days since I have her number... In part, I felt a bit like an intruder, and then I was afraid her grief was going to be the final straw. It wasn't, though..Your momma embraced me completely... she was so glad to hear from me, "of course" you had told her about your plans, and about me... I'm going to be in touch, and I'm looking forward to meeting her soon... it's a sad thing to look forward to, thought it means everything to me. Gives me the courage to at least recognize what I am now in this life. I am your widow. I am Chris Pryor's widow. (Not according to the law, however, and that small-minded part of me makes me wanna feel like an impostor... but I'm not... we had your mama's blessing... that's beautifully-sad instead of the millions of minutes of ugly-sad...(Yeah Chris, once more I was a little fool for doubting you'd told your mama about me... I mean you said you did... stupid doubts... thanks for forgiving small stupidities. And by the way, I love you.)Thanks Connie and Mark for Curtis Mayfield on the M... much love!
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