_Caution: Read at your own risk... I'm just loading off... it's not a nice read_Aww Chris... it' getting kinda ugly now... I feel like cracking... I'm writing this to stop that feeling: I feel like lying down and fall fall fall... just fly away into nothingness. Here comes the real deal I guess. There have been better moments! On monday, I was on the set of that Cruise movie for the last time, they were shooting their very last little inserts in Germany, and my hands were in one of them... I got paid twice the usual extra fee for my typing skills (that you would have put to shame) which was part of why I went at all, so... if you could see the movie, I'd tell you look out when the communication is going out about a coup, it's my hands typing it ;-) I really didn't want to go to that fucking set again, because all those Hollywood people so reminded me of you... and the whole idea of being an extra was about having a few good laughs with you! But it wasn't so bad monday... first of all, it's kinda good to have company, and a catering trailer, too... the special thing about Monday was that the set was nearly empty, almost everyone had left except the few crew who had to do those little non-scenes with a handful of extras. Honestly, when I saw the food trailers with the California number plates were gone, I felt as if a boulder had been lifted from my chest. Only when they were gone did I noticed how they were prompting nothing but terribly painful memories... of California... of YOU... same with that busy film crowd bustling around, it was really nice to see them gone, just and only because everything Hollywood rubs it in and in and in...After I did my "scene" - imagine, the "action" was just for me!!! - in the third take, (it's quite weird typing fast and pretty on a fifty year old machine with a camera of that size being (not just looking) literally over your shoulder...) - well afterwards, I even had a cheerful conversation with one of the counless people who fulfilled one of the countless functions they seem to have on the set of an 80 million dollar production... I was saying something about my weird 40s costume - you shoulda seen it, a uniform with a little lighning badge on one side, for being a communications op, and of course a swastika thingie across the heart... what a feeling... anyway, the guy asked me whether I knew that in the olden days, pantyhoses and stockings were produced to last, and later the producers deliberately changed them so they would tear easily? Gotta say, that kind of nerdy comment made my day. You know how I love nerdy subjects... We spoke about old lightbulbs, lego bricks, and vinyl records - turned out I was talking to a Bulgarian house DJ who earned his rent on film sets... Really nice guy, you would have liked him on the spot - one of the jazzy house guys etc etc.. I got invited to a club even, and though I know I won't go any time soon, it felt good to see that I could, if I could... It's nice to remember the good hours... Right now is another day tho... a bad one, really bad one. My body finally made itself known with some stomach bug, and I guess yesterday I forgot to eat... it's difficult to get the food down, even when my stomach's growling. So I ended up really weak today, forcing myself to eat some bananas and toast and milk... oh to just lie down and evaporate... then I'm hearing children's laughter from the school yard across the street, and I think of the crumbsnatcher and I know it can't be done... (dammit: I used to think of you like that during my last depression)... so I'm walking up and down my flat, talking with you (a very one-sided convo)... walking up and down and making myself eat and drink a little, seeing with incredulity the weird, red-eyed ghost of a woman that looks at me every time I pass a mirrow... don't Jews cover their mirrors in grief? Sounds like a good idea to me......Debating with myself whether I wish you were up above where you can see me – or just gone, to spare yourself the sad spectacle... ended up with the conclusion that if you're up there, you can watch with serenity, because if you're there, either the troubles down here don't matter much anymore, or maybe you do care, but you know now that I'll join you at some point, and I guess time is not a pressing concern in heaven...So... you're probably not crying for me from above, which is kinda good... but you're not coming back either, are you. Even today, I still want to think this is all one big freaking prank. How many times have I told you today to stop it already? That it's not funny anymore? That we all learned our lesson? No it isn't a prank... fuck it, I know if I believe in myself I'm supposed to be able to DEAL WITH THIS... but today is really close to the edge. I don't know how to cope for the life of me! I couldn't get myself to call your momma last night, either. My throat felt like I'd swallowed a tennis ball... I couldn't do it!!! (Larry from Richmond gave me her number btw... I spoke with him... nearly cracked me, too.. He was real nice to me though, and well, you shocked him, too, with your exit. Baby, why do you have to be the first at everything?) - So last night I tried to numb myself with an audio book... fell asleep around 5 in the morning... dammit. Today I'll have to do better! Gonna try to talk to her... there's no way around her pain... (or around mine).Chris, I think I felt a little coat-pulling from you about something I should beware of. I'ma try and make sure I stay safe! Thanks for the warning. I love you... peace...
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