It's time for me to pack my bags, because early tomorrow morning Fabian and I are going to take a train to Heidelberg, where my mother and sister live, to spend the holidays and then some.

And I do fear this Christmas back home... not only am I going to be pretty much off line... not only am I pissed off because my car decided to call it quits this summer so we have to be eco-friendly and stuff ourselves into the already overstuffed holiday trains... that's the kind of ridiculous little nuisances that would have annoyed me last year...

Not only will this be the first Christmas in my life with my mother not being home at her own home, not even in a wheelchair like she used to for a few years... being her smart, witty, stubborn self while overseeing what my sister and I were doing by way of cooking or decoration... getting Fabian to watch horrible contry-music shows with her and smiling devilishly when he declared that they were great...

This year she won't. She had her second stroke back in January, and that one was almost too much... after weeks and weeks in hospital and rehabilitation facilities, my sister and I had to be made her guardians (she was very confused for months), and with me being hundreds of miles away and my sister working a full-time job, the three of us had to make the heartbreaking decision to move her into a home where she can be given the 24/7 care she needs now. I'm hoping she'll decide to spend a few hours at the house on Christmas day, at least... after the last few times we had her come home in a "special-needs"- taxi she refused to come again... said she didn't like the taxi, but I think she really couldn't stand visiting her very own home...

So this is going to be Christmas with a few tears to shed or swallow, anyway.

But of course... there's another memory looming over me like the shadow of a crushing mountain.

It's remembering how last year I was on the phone with Chris NON-STOP over the holidays... I mean really almost all the time (the bill would turn out to be solid 3-figures). We had happy conversations and funny ones and sad ones, as Christmas does bring out emotions of all kinds... it was then that we got to "know" each other, it was then that I decided to buy myself a ticket to LA as a Christmas gift.

With the mismatched time zones and those long long chats we didn't want to break up, Chris actually fell asleep once while we were on the phone... and I stayed on the line for 20 minutes or more, with the phone cradled to my ear, listening to him breathing until I was almost asleep myself. We called it a "nap-cast", afterward... I thought it was a bit ridiculous then how sweet it felt to hear him breathe...

Hindsight United is a great football team, so at least I can say now that I got that right at the time. How precious is the breath of life.

Yo, I'm still living but a hair's width away from the abyss, all the time.

Progress? Yeah, maybe the fact that I finally found my way back out of Chris' old time zone... for more than a month I'd been powerless against it... couldn't sleep before 9 or 10 am (midnight to 1 am in LA) and had difficulties waking up before 4 pm (7 am over there). It wasn't intentional, and every time I broke the cycle by forcefully staying awake until evening, I'd sleep all night then sleep in the day until I was back on the Pacific Clock.

My friend the psycho-analyst in training told me it was o.k. and I should wait it out, that my body was just doing what it could to get back the happiness of those times when I deliberately turned my clock around to spend time with Chris. Something I hadn't been able to in the last months of his life (and missed terribly. And regrettet terribly). So now, with that physiological level of loss climbed, I've reached a new plateau of bleakness... of course there's flowers and music and laughter around, only that it's just as though the sun stopped coming up in the morning. Quite a different feeling from just drawing the curtains shut knowing the light is still out there.

So where's the silver lining. Looking for a silver lining... I see my sister who dragged me back into the daylight time zone last weekend. I see being back home with old friends in Mannheim, Heidelberg, Ludwigshafen. Friends of more than 20 years most of them, they'll be sorry for my loss, they know how long it took me to find my match... they'll know I'm genuine and serious even when flamboyant or "superficial"... some of them will understand my guilt because they know of my struggle with depression... they'll believe I loved as best as I could, even when I couldn't believe I could love at all... maybe they'll be able to make me believe I didn't hurt Chris, or even better... they'll help me forgive myself that I did.

I know I could never go back home for good... and I was hoping I was never going there again "alone"... didn't turn out that way but I sure hope I'll have some hours where I'll forget the pain... or numb it down to nice... "bitter-sweet" or some such cliché would be more than welcome.

For months I've been bitching and moaning that I've had enough of this year already so let's get the hell over with. Now with only a few days left, saying goodbye to 2007 becomes saying another goodbye to you, Chris... closing yet another door...

(Who said anything was easy, anyway? I know you didn't. )

Have a happy Christmas all you moggers, and let's all make it the best 2008 we can!

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before. It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

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Bartleby says:

This is so touchingly beautiful I won't spoil it with any unnecessary words. So I'll keep quiet and send you all my best for 2008.

(PS: Let's remember the joys of winter)

Posted 6 months ago | Delete

mickimicki says:

In-CREDIBLE!

Bartleby, when I was a child, we had this very painting as a giant wall-paper in our staircase. I spent days looking at the details... there's a hog being slaughtered in there somewhere ;)

Thanks a LOT! (You got a link for more resolution, maybe?)

Posted 6 months ago | Delete

ivylander says:

We haven't stopped pulling for you, Micki. Nor will we.

Posted 6 months ago | Delete