Everyone has had a time in their life that they have found particularly trying. Some of us have had more than others, but most everyone has had a point in life that seemed downright BEAT.

[If you have never had a moment like this, then kudos! - that's totally awesome - but if you would like to understand what I am talking about, just rent the movie "The Jerk" with Steve Martin and youll see what I mean]

Sometimes, you stumble, but fate forces your hand into a quick rebound. Other times, you get laid off and need shoulder surgery and then your toe gets broken by a barstool that got knocked over in a stupid barfight between two of the most similar looking people you have ever seen and you look in the mirror and realize you just dont have it all planned out any more and that you havent been shaving and that JESUS youve moved back in with your parents and you must sound like a total chump to your girlfriend on the phone and (!!!) somebody has just gotta DO SOMETHING ... and you realize the lemonade youre gonna make out of all of these things will need a LOT of sugar.

Well in fact something strikingly similar to the latter case happened to me recently, and let me tell you what I learned about finding that sugar.

Its abundant. In fact, we live in a culture that is a substantially oversaturated with sugar, if you will follow my metaphor, and it seems like many of the portly inhabitants of my Texas hometown have done just that, except not metaphorically in their case.

But back to sugar being everywhere. There was certainly some by the pool where I sat in the sun on a pool float yesterday, or driving around in my dads old convertible with the top down and my sunglasses on, or visiting my girlfriend in San Francisco (lot of sugar there! oh yeah!), and I can bet that if I go visit Cuba with my sister after the surgery that there will be PLENTY in the mojitos. Yeah… being freed from my job, I have found enough sugar to make some pretty decent lemonade. Its the perfect drink for these hot Texas summer days.

Except if you know me well then youre probably already pissed off at this argument. Michael doesnt particularly love lemonade. And while a delicious cold drink like that is a good summer distraction, he needs to be making something he loves and that isn't just good for the summer, and of course we all know he loves beer so that must be it. So I guess beer is the better metaphor for finding my next career. But to make beer, you need something more substantial, and you need to let it ferment, I guess this means that my next step, like making beer, is going to be by its very nature a lot slower and a lot more methodical then making lemonade - - unless of course you want to make Coors Light, in which case the easiest method seems to be to just keep waiting for that frozen train to finally come busting through your construction site handing out six packs.

If you will pardon my second lame 'recipe' metaphor… (just being about beer doesn't save it from being lame) …as I was saying if you will pardon the second metaphor… well then you have failed the test of being a 'friend indeed' because that's two more recipe metaphors then I should ever be allowed, no matter how 'in need'. Instead, you should say to me "Michael! These terrible metaphors are only redefining the bottom for you. Its embarrassing. Get your head outta your ass!"

But why would I ask for this ridicule - why share my thoughts on being laid off so you can join in in condemning it - doesnt that just make it worse? Yes it does.

...Luckily I already knew this metaphoric prose is a new low, and I have crafted it intentionally. In honesty, whether a literary bottom (like say on your music blog) - or metaphorically hitting bottom (not to point thumbs again), or maybe you have sustained embarrassing physical injuries that actually involve your bottom (thankfully not me in this case, at least YET) … in fact maybe you have used the word 'bottom' to describe a person's behind and that is your very own rock bottom - whatever it is, these are in fact the best opportunities to slap yourself in the face and get to grabbing life at the jugular again.

So again, sometimes it helps to write really lame personal manifestos with lots of self help book style metaphors on your blog (again not to point thumbs) and in doing so publish a bottom, forcing the bottom, digging down and exposing that bottom (really trying so hard not to mention "that's what she said") - but like I was saying that the cathartic process of publicly announcing a bottom, putting a flag on in and claiming that territory as yours for everyone to see, makes every day after it a step forward. Sometimes you need to just bitch a little bit.

But if youre like me, and not into metaphors, you just listen to "Burn It Up" by The Offspring really loud, and it works every time.