waiting
"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown
keep art alive; artist unknown
"summer grey...
it's only.
and i'll be waiting all day."
it's only.
and i'll be waiting all day."
waiting (video) ~ shiny toy guns
waiting ~ shiny toy guns
waiting ~ shiny toy guns
one could blame it on my astrological sign, if one believed in that sort of thing, which i'm never quite sure that i do. or, i suppose, one could blame it on the history of things in my life. it always seemed that time dissipated things and people that mattered to me. i've never held much faith in that whole crap adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder, because truly i've found that it to be true, in my life, that absence made the heart forget. or maybe, it all comes down to the nagging self-doubt that hovers around me, and burrows itself just under the surface of my skin. confidence, and all its trappings, is just a mask i try to make my own, most days.
consequently i can be quite the impatient sort, and in the midst of such impatience, i tend to be rash, jumping and rushing, and ripping off pieces of me in the process. how is it that i can make myself so vulnerable, so open, when i really should take a step back and try to breathe? have i not learned a damn thing in the forty some years i've lived to know that the only one that will protect my heart is me?
i had so many walls up, brick by brick i'd laid them carefully, years ago, and they have served me well. so what if such protection made me numb, made me less of myself, made me forget what it was like to live - at least i was safe from heartache and longing, right? but that is just such bullshit to believe, and to feel, or not feel - i know, i know, because i've lived like that for so damn long. so i tore down the walls, took a mallet and shattered those bricks into tiny pieces, and watched as the wind up and carried them away. i stood there, stripped of fear and isolation, and maybe sense, and threw my hands in the air. then i fell, or really, truly, honestly, i jumped.
so here i am now, floating in the air, and this altitude, well it makes me dizzy and breathless sometimes. i'd try to explain that my enthusiasm, my joie de vivre, is because i feel alive for the first time in ages, and my heart is cracked open, completely. but i think i need to remember to breathe, to lie back and let myself float, to stop taking in so much damn oxygen. there is something to be said for letting things settle, for trusting that i will not drift too far, that i won't be forgotten too soon. there is something to learned here, too, for me - to wait, to trust, to believe. and i am trying, all of that, to trust, to wait, to believe - because i do believe in you. and in this. and in us.
i just hate the scars that i'm noticing on myself, in myself, coming to the surface because i'm allowing myself to feel. and i hate the fear that creeps in, and the way i feel so small, so messy, so full of the holes that self-doubt brings. i wish i could quell this impatience, this feeling that i will ultimately disappoint, and the scared shakings of a girl who has not felt this way in pretty much forever. and the miles, well i wish i could fold up the world to make things closer, or that i could gather up my shattered brick wall and build a bridge between, one that was easier to cross.
but, for now, i will wait and believe. lean against the wall and take in the street signs, the shared moments, and the things that sometimes we miss when we rush to quickly. i'll be here.
"adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."
~ ralph waldo emerson
~ ralph waldo emerson
10
MOG it up!
Comments (3)
Nice song...My fav Emerson quote...."Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."
i always loved that quote.
sometimes it seems we spend our entire lives waiting for that one great thing.............it scares me to think it may have passed me by