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Posted by:
Bazo
May 6 1998- February 22, 2008
February 22, 2008
Today I said good-bye to my first dog, Mambazo Daisy Slade Brown Schaaf.
The final farewell felt pretty close to what I had imagined it would: the pain, the tissues, and the denial. It was all there. Cancer in December. Tests, organ removal. Wagging tail, one last romp here, one last walk here. The way I found her. The noises she was making. But the deep sadness has a cataclysmic, dreadful twist to it. Even now it is thick and stuck to me with a real despondency that I have never felt before. Dave Matthews: "tonight let’s be lovers, tomorrow let's be friends." I know the song inside and out but I check the title, as though I haven't listened to it once a month for a decade. Located: "Say Goodbye", yes, of course. I'm turning and turning for her. The fire is bright...just for this evening. Intimacy in many forms.
When you are given two months, it does not mean a thing. Led Zeppelin, In through the Out Door, Beth Orton, My Morning Jacket, Doves, Ani DiFranco, Grateful Dead, Bob Dylan, Decemberists, Bob Marley, Midlake, John Coltrane, Phish. Time becomes warped. Two months.
There is much to write-memories to unfurl and faces and photos to erect-but not now. Now all I need to do is begin to understand this new gentle/rough/peaceful silence that Bazo has left behind.
February 23, 2008
It was close to 1 a.m. when I woke to find two small burning embers, to hear the wind and the rattle of the flue, and soon to bed. Waking up blue. Band of Horses and Radiohead, bawling.
Drove to Nob Hill to meet Eliza and Jenn for brunch. Yellow ranunculus, new shoes that fit, walking in the rain. Neil Young- Live at Massey Hall. Hayes valley for local designers and a beautiful frame and home to dig into bags and envelopes and stacks of photographs. Driving over windy hills. Non-native eucalyptus leaves blowing, this time in my way. Delta Spirit.
Tears. Emptiness. Joy. Fulfillment. Low tide. High tide. Low tide. Ricky Lee Jones, "Stewarts Coat", some Regina Spektor.
"Juno" and popcorn and milk duds and Pinot with Jenn. Shins, Feist, a mix from Jim, left for me to find along side a dog who waited for me. I waited for her, she waited for me. There, collapsed and belly bleeding, she waited for me. Exile on Main Street.
Beautiful dog.
I'm sorry, beautiful post, and a really nice tribute.
This was Bear,
it's been awhile but I have yet to find another,
eventually perhaps...
A lovely testament. I'm sorry you had to experience this. I don't know about you, but I am of the sort who believes, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all..."
A beautiful Eulogy. You have taken your sense of loss and woven for us a moving tribute. Thank you for sharing.
You are not alone in dealing with the heartbreak of losing a best canine friend/love. I sympathize and empathize. A lovely tribute. My Dudley died three months ago and one month ago I got a new puppy, which has helped enormously.
i am so sad to hear this news kb. my heart goes out to you and your family. pets love us so unconditionally it makes it al the harder to say goodbye. my thoughts are with you.
Sorry to hear that KB. I know Bazo was a huge part of your life -- still is. I remember the first emails so many years ago about getting a new dog.
Cancer has taken 2 dogs from my family growing up. It's a really tough thing especially because they can't understand it. Always wagging their tails.
You can be sure they are happier now and they will always be with you.
A giant hug back, to each and every one of you. You bring me peace in your words.
god bless you kb, i can only imagine, so sorry. i am looking at Rilo and Muttley( our 2 dogs) with tears in my eyes
Oh darlin'...I am so sorry to hear about your loss...friends (pets) are so hard to let go of.
In death, all things, except those left behind, are at peace.
Be well.
Dogs are the best.
Everyone's dog is the best dog ever.
Sorry for your loss, hang in there. :(
Condolences, kb.
I am so moved by your post and by the kind responses you have received. I have so much faith in this kind of goodness in people to heal our world in small ways every day.
I remember when my first cat, Snowball, died of (accidental) poisoning. I was an adult before I ever had a pet, and I had never experienced an animal's death period. But this is the part I want to share:
Snowball had been missing, so while I was at work, my friend went over to look for her. That alone is amazing. More amazing: On finding Snowball dead, she buried her. Then she called my ex-husband so that he and my daughter could come over and tell me in person because we had lived together with this animal for years before our divorce and we all loved her. I still cry to think of that kind of love from a friend. She bore my burden --- as much of it as she could.Hope we can help you bear yours.
T.
Thank you for a very moving testament.
Beautiful dog for a beautiful person, fn.
awwww.......thanks everybody. feels good to be mogged.
fn when you coming to SF??!!!
It's one of my top 3 American cities I'd love to visit.......and all the Noise Pop posts only made me want to do so even more! As soon as it's possible; if you promise to take me out, that is ;)
oh the damage we could do.
radiohead in golden gate park? treasure island festival? mog party at my house?!
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
rip bazo and charley too.
awww....that is a good one. i remember when you posted about charlie and i could barely read it cause i never imagined a world without bazo. and the bullshit is that is DOESN "T get easier every day...
we miss her tons. my son too....
"no one's gonna love her more than i dooooo...."
i meant to say my son misses her too...that was unclear...