So for the past few days a few of you have been reading a story I've been writing. I've pretty much set it aside now. There were no likeable characters and no inspirational messages in it. It was a pure trajedy with a little bitter humor injected to give it flavor. I was writing mostly as therepy and actually hadn't intended it to go where it went. It got alot closer to home and was waaaaay more autobiographical than I had intended. The cool thing was that it actually brought me to a breakthrough. A friend of mine read it and gave me a diffrent and much better perspective on the whole thing.

For years I have been blaming myself for the divorce. Saying that it was my drinking and partying that caused the divorce. When in truth I never changed. I was a drunken partier when she rode her bycycle to my work with a rose in her teeth and asked me out! I was drunk when she seduced me and I stayed the same for the six years we were married. I know it looks alot like I did cause the divorce because of my drinking. But lets go back to the beginning. She chose me, a drunken self destructive punk rocker to be her husband. She was determined to have me. I never once courted her. Somthing about my lifestyle and or personna was somthing she wanted. After we were married she tried like hell to change me into her ideal of a husband and father. When after six years she finally gave up she left to go find someone else to suck the life out of. I was raised to have such respect and reverance toward women that it was impossible for me to think that they might have hidden motives. That they might play me. That they were as capable, if not more, than any man at schemeing, manipulating and twisting situations to get their way. Even convincing men that it's their fault when things go bad. The settlers of america were know to say that indians made poor slaves because they always killed themselves. The Indians were born free and for them death was the only alternative to freedom. Holly tried her best to break me and make me her slave. I was my most self destructive when I was with her. I was dying to be free. So what I lerned this week is that I don't want a person who wants somthing from me. I don't want to be needed. Life is a journey I want a traveling companion. An equal not a master and definantly not a slave!

That closes the case on Holly I'm now offically over her. In fact I'm pissed that she got to me for soo long! Ok One issue down on to the next one.