There were so many moments that made me feel like I had tried so hard. In the end the only reason I ended up anywhere was because of him. Even though it had started long before, it was that one night that gave me any sort of hope that perhaps my life was going anywhere. We always tried to be fashionably late, but we were unfashionably desperate to have anything to do, and those two ideals tend to conflict. So it was first to arrive, last to leave, trying to keep the pleading gleam of "please invite us to more events, we are in desperate need of social interaction" out of our eyes. I imagine now that it was unmistakable. They had just purchased the house, set on top of the largest hills in the city. The backyard was greatly overgrown, though, and you couldn't see down on the city through the trees and brush. There were patches of grass missing and long dead, but their dog didn't seem to mind, running to and fro, soaking up the high altitude fresh air. Night fell quickly and the drinks were downed even faster. In the blink of an eye there were half-full glasses of various concoctions and beer bottles topped with cigarette butts littering the back patio from one end to the other. Tiki torches were lit and they made a crude half circle around us to warn of the mosquitoes, or worse. I sat sideways in a partially rusted, white paint-flaked patio chair, clinging desperately to my wine glass, gulping down the warm red liquid and hoping to God or whoever that no one saw my grimace as it made it's way over my tongue and down my throat. Despite all of my self-prodding, I rarely could get myself to speak up. Giving myself social pep talks in the mirror earlier that evening had done no good. It's easy to imagine yourself the impressive socialite in the light of your bathroom 60 watt. I guess I've lived a lifetime of false hope in myself. And I've not yet worked out whether it's because I am not good enough or if I'm working too hard at being something that I'm not. But I see how the sun disappeared behind their newly-purchased and yet-to-be-landscaped trees and how my small and shaking hands looked in the flicker of the torches and I wonder why I make this so hard on myself.Life.