The Form Followers Function

The Form Followers Function – a plan for world dominationThe nightmare always begins the same way and you wake up in a cold sweat…At first you don’t notice them, they arrive inconspicuously, occupying low-key anonymous positions – The receptionist, the admin, the secretary the casual worker who fills out the forms and ticks the boxes.At first their presence is only marked by an ability or inability to do their job, their suitability for the post for which they have applied and been hired.But then, slowly, almost unperceivable with considered stealth, they begin. It starts with a mild irritation, they involve themselves in meetings, they start to read your emails, they answer on your behalf, they no longer deliver messages – they relay the conversation they have already had with the client. They are on first name terms with the partners, they join in with the conversations.But at the start you don’t see it, the irritation continues like a nagging itch or a pain in your neck. You nod at their comments and don’t wish to appear rude at their ridiculous suggestions and then!..then the opinions come. They start to ask questions about your actions and procedures and suggest their own. Then they question your answers! And before you can keep the monster in control…You find out they have had ‘discussions’ about you and your team’s suitability for the job. They begin the gatekeeper’s role. Nothing moves unless it comes through them. The emails start to come addressed direct to them – but you don’t know, you don’t even know! Oh God help me Aaagghhh! You are being painted out of your own picture.Then oh! Then the opinions! The ill-informed opinions like a hellish nightmare vision of stupidity layered on stupidity engulfing every meeting, ruining every decision. Your colleagues start to leave – sometimes through choice, sometimes through necessity they begin to disappear – tired of the inane – driven out by the crazed quest for brownie points and gold stars! Driven slowly mad by the phrase ‘yes but’…Then, when the logic and considered opinion and years of study in a specialist area is replaced by half remembered misunderstood phonetic retread of your once carefully chosen informed words, then the focus is shifted away from meaningful discussion and planed orchestrated logical application to their area of ‘expertise’ the form filing! Every considered campaign is replaced by procedure. The procedure rules! The whole world dancing to the unholy tune of the memo and tick of the never ending boxes. Memo and tick memo and tick memo and tick!!!! Like a giant clock counting down to the 3.30 flexi-time rule when they skip off to consume, to buy something and maybe invest in some art – as long as its ‘nice’.The reason becomes secondary to the method, the destination forgotten to the correct travel requisition form.You try to escape, you try to move somewhere where a person who is skilled in a certain area or well read in their field or has years of experience is valued and their guidance sought – but no! they have already got in there! They begin to multiply – to employing in their own likeness – not allowing anyone more intelligent or better suited to a job to get a foot in less they draw attention to their failings. The dumbing down of the system begins.The hellish nightmare of a nation of self-righteous bureaucratic stupids is a reality – a nation of doctor’s receptionists and civil servants driving a swath of meaningless drivel covering every area of your life. Weaving a stream of irrelevant paperwork into the fabric of every action that you have to take the flack for and put up with the flannel! But wait, now they are making decisions on Art, Culture, Media – Education! Yes the second generation are being systematically brainwashed into a life of Big Brother, Eastenders and artistic critique based on concerns of decoration, colour schemes, magazine graphics, NME polls and third hand opinion.Friends get excessively paid commissions for no apparent reason. Art and music become judged on 45 degree haircuts, floppy fringe’s and the latest business advisors top – 40 - iPod - pole for audio -challenged review - led commonly accepted ‘genius’ of the week. Grandiose creative industry expo’s are organized for international audiences – and are attended by local funded SME’s. And the nightmare is so vivid, you can smell he cappuccino and sticky toffee muffin! ‘Creativity’ is owned by the one who writes the cheque and no artistic endeavor can begin without their say so – followed by a full written ‘critical’ evaluation demonstrating how successful it was! And how it was all their idea.Then you wake from this nightmare in a cold sweat, and find…Oh no.. Oh GOD NO!