Candy is one thing that I am glad is not influenced by modern celebrity. I know, I know, you're thinking 'How is this rational, logical, or even highly pertinent?' and on some level you're right. It isn't, on all three counts. Nothing happening in the modern world, has ever affected the way candy is produced. To clarify, I'd like to relate my train of thought to you. Valentine's Day is looming large and terrifying, ready to sink it's trained-attack-dog-of-corporate-America pointed teeth into all of our wallets, stealing our souls and curdling our blood with the sugar-comatose that is chocolate and greeting cards. This is one of my favorite times of year, not only because I find it so amusing to watch the average American citizen flush their life's savings down the drain on either a veritable cornucopia of chocolate, flowers, and jewelry for their pookie, or copius amounts of booze (the more entertaining choice, to be sure), but also because of the one singular little iota of happiness I've discovered in this self-deprivating holiday. What, you may ask? Conversation hearts, my one true love. Sure, the phrases on them are cliche, inconsequential, and often grammatically incorrect (and even more so when the edible ink has smeared, making them completely illegible), but to me, there is nothing more amusing than popping a chalky, highly compressed sugar vessicle out of a carboard box, only to be reassured that someone, somewhere in a candy factory wants me to be loved on Valentine's Day.Some of these candy heart catchphrases are just downright terrible. Take the harlot of the conversation heart world: "KISS ME!" Really now, who came up with the idea of putting that on a piece of candy? And what EXACTLY are we supposed to do with it? I can just imagine a young, doe-eyed girl rushing up to her beau, fist clenched tightly. She reaches out her hand, and drops the "KISS ME!" heart into the young boy's waiting palm. He smiles broadly, their eyes meet, and birds sing. Please, excuse me while I retch.Another phrase I have been recently finding tatooed across my sugary snacks is "FAX ME!". Okay, now this one baffles me completely. Is the corporate world so out of touch with the youth of today that they believe the twenty-somethings of the world are faxing love notes across the room, in between sneaking fervent glances at each other over their overpriced morning lattes? Or was this someone's idea at an ironic joke? Either way, the point is not made.This leads quite well into my original point. Very little in modern pop culture has ever influenced a conversation heart, and what a relief THAT is! No conversation heart has ever been dubbed 'low-carb', nor has K-Fed released his own line of very white, 'street cred' inducing conversation hearts. Anorexia has never been an issue for these little bundles of sugary-sweet joy, and it's highly doubtful (although technically plausible) that candy hearts are solely responsible for America's growing obesity. I am completely disgusted by the pop culture of today, and (although some call me cynical) it's safe to assume that the tasty morsles of tabloid fodder that surface next week will leave me equally as sick to my stomach. Each year it's the same. Despite what growing media scandal scars the covers of the magazines in the grocery store aisles, it's steadfast that our moronic nation will spend too much time on reading them, just as they've spent too much money on overpriced chocolate and erotic sex toys in the days leading up to February 14th. For now, I'll sit here with my cardboard box of joy, and revel in the consistancy of the lame phrases inked upon the sugar pills. They're the same phrases I've read year after year. Some things never change.