My Life's song
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After a hard days work, cutting down 3 trees, logging them up, splitting a few logs, building a fire. I sat and played my guitar by myself, under the full moon, nice steady breeze blowing, mid 60's -> and I was overcome with the stress of being a changed man.
I mean that I used to be such a nasty, wicked, messed up person, I gave the devil a run for his money. There was no good in me. I shirked all my responsibilities, screwed everybody under the sun, stole so much money and merchandise, robbed peoples houses, got in so many fights, destroyed so much property...
And then I found Jesus, and changed my ways. That's not to say that it was easy, I am CONSTANTLY fighting a pull to go back to being that man, fighting a desire to get high, fight, sleep around, and destroy everything in my path.
I was brought to tears as God impressed upon me how I'm supposed to give those burdens up, it felt like the world was on my shoulders while fighting an army, while marching up a hill. it felt impossible.
I have a 4 year old son and a beautiful wife, and yet the pull to just pack a backpack, bag up my guitar and get the hell out of dodge never leaves me. So, I'm not fighting these temptations in vain. I am standing up for what so many in this country have forgotten, the ACT of being a man, working to take care of your family, and no matter how much you want to be selfish and live only for yourself to still stand firm and do what I am called to do. That little boy needs me, to raise him up in the fear and admonition of God, to show him how to fix stuff with his hands, he helped me take off his training wheels a week ago! As tempting as the devil can make the old lifestyle seem, I'm not going to let my guard down and become one of the thousands of men in Maryland who get a girl pregnant and run out on them, leaving the child to be raised by the public school system and the TV and the internet. I will stand up and teach my son right and wrong, and that there is a winner and a loser in sports, and that if he doesn't work hard at something, he doesn't deserve to pass school or get a job, I will teach him how to respect a woman instead of like a peiece of meat like so many shows and movies portray as the norm, sleeping with multiple partners, one night stands, hookers, cussing and violence.
Anyway, God reminded me of how I once was blind, but now I see, how I was lost, but now I'm found.
Comments (7)
Dude you've got enough to keep you grounded - right there. Glad to see that you've overcome nature, now you just need to nurture - mostly your son, but never forget your wife in the equation - she needs time too... (but you know that)
...oh, and for the record, it's get the fuckoutta dodge (see Van post on that one...)
http://mog.com/vannatta/blog/135884
Hey buddy
you're sounding even more depressed than me which isn't that hard cause I'm actually looking forward to the unknown. who knows maybe I will pack up a backpack and a guitar and get the fuck outta dodge. if a dirty bum shows up on your porch don't go get the shot gun it's just me looking for a free meal and some good old fashoned guitar pickin.
of course thats not too likely most likely I'll be working in a ware house in Spokane Wa.
feel blessed that you have a clear meaning and direction in your life. I'm feeling around in the dark looking for the door outta here.
"I mean that I used to be such a nasty, wicked, messed up person, I gave the devil a run for his money. There was no good in me. I shirked all my responsibilities, screwed everybody under the sun, stole so much money and merchandise, robbed peoples houses, got in so many fights, destroyed so much property..."
Echoes the Aposle Paul, I'm with vannatta you sound pretty grounded...
My Dad was a Baptist Pastor who had a heart for the poor and homeless, the drunkards and prostitutes. He invited a homeless man once to a church breakfast where he was the speaker. (my dad, not the homeless man) His "friend" didn't show up in time, and my Dad was about to start speaking. He was so concerned for the whereabouts of the fellow that he left and headed downtown to find him. They later found both my Dad and the homeless person sitting on the curb chatting. My Dad led him to the Lord. Oh that churches these days would see the real purpose for their existence like this man I call father did.
In another memory, I can still see the man who knocked on our door one winter wielding a knife and demanding money or food or he'd kill someone. My Dad, a 6 foot 2 inch giant at 240 lbs, told him to put the knife down and come in and have breakfast. The guy did. With us, Dad, Mom, and 4 kids. When the fellow left, he left with Dad's winter coat on his back to keep out the cold.
That too is Christianity. I can only faintly hope that if I get the chance I'll act the same.
Thanks Tyler for ther thought that generated these memories.
Capn -> Thanks man -> I love to hear stories of christianity actually being acted out as if Jesus were doing it. I get tired of the religiosity of people who are complete pieces of trash, but dress up for church on sunday...they're missing the point, It is about a relationship with God that enables you to Act on his behalf to help your fellow man, to take out the wickedness in yourself and be a salmon, swim against the current.
I try to keep my humanitarian volunteerism to myself, but it disgusts me when I am helping downtown in Baltimore to feed the homeless, I hear civilians walking by calling out the meanest things to these people, asking me why I would waste my time with filth like that. Some people are just straight up blind. Too much selfishness and not enough selflessness.
My best encounter with God was when I went on a street ministry in Pittsburg, we were trying to minister to people in a well known drug neighborhood, we weren't having any luck, handing out free food did well, but getting people to engage us in conversation was tough.
One porch we stopped at had like 10-15 black teenagers/young 20's, all smoking pot, and this little 7 year old girl in the middle of it all, she came over to me and was asking me about this wonderful man Jesus I was talking about, before I could answer her, her mother(?) grabbed her and yelled at her, telling her there would be no talk of God for her.
Discouraged, we walked toward the next group of people we saw. half an hour later, that little girl came running up the street crying and told me she snuck out the back door because she felt God calling her to find me. She cryed while I told her about the hope and mercy of Jesus, and she accepted him right there, I gave her encouragement that he would be with her everywhere, and that despite the people around her, she didn't have to be like that. She told me she had felt so sad and lonely before we showed up, but after she accepted Jesus, instantly she KNEW that she had changed, that she felt alive, felt safe. Let me tell you, she wasn't the only one crying that night. Out of all the people we talked to, only a single 7 year old girl found what she needed in her life...and how that one moment changed my life, and the lives of the other men that were with me that night. I haven't been out on a street team mission since then...I minister in other ways now, but I'll never forget that little girl, her hunger for God is unlike any I've ever seen, hungrier than me too!! she really touched my life, well, God did too.
I love the story about the little girl! That's going to stick with me. Very nice song, not pretentious or forced. Simple and clean. Seems the hardest thing is to actually live the life we are given rather than the life we would have gone out and chosen... but in the end you know the life we would have chosen would end us up miserable and sick and probably dead, but the life we are given will end us up happy. That's the daily crucifixion right there. Old man is dead, even though he's like a zombie and keeps trying to get up and demand his own way. Wish we could just tie a boulder to his feet and toss him into the ocean or something, that would make things easier.
That was part of my curse, I enjoyed the wicked ways way too much...really gets me when zombie-Durden shows up...
Itis good to know that the straight life is better, I am happier there...