MOG

Quick tip for you wanna-be ballas out there...fastest way to get a girl to sweat you-

A Mix CD.

Who knew it was that simple? All these years you've wasted hard earned cash on candy, flowers, expensive dinners and Designer Impostor Cologne and all it took was a Memorex 80 min CD-R! Granted, a truly excelent mix CD is a difficult thing to perfect (just ask my roomate)...but with these easy to follow tips you'll be knee deep in some sweet sweet- er cuddle time before you know it.

First you have to decide what kind of CD you want to make. Consider it carefully, the mix will only work if tailored specifically to the woman in question.

• Sappy Mix- Choose this mix if somewhere in your room is a immasculating collage of pictures of you two that your woman made for you, and which she has forced you to hang in a conspicuous place. Also choose this mix if the girl your after's room is filled with Precious Moments figurines, or if you know she'd call what you're planning to do to her "making love."

Fill this CD with looooots of John Mayer and Ryan Cabrerra if you're white, or if you're black suppliment with souLDecision, a little Baby Face, and maybe finish it off with a dash of Brian McKnight. The key is to make them cry. To women, crying equates to happiness. No the time she cried when you slept with her best friend doesn't apply (Don't I Wish).

• Trendy Mix- This mix is perfect for that Sorority girl you've been chasing around. Give this to the girl YOU know is hot, but probably should have been hugged and told she was pretty a little more often by Daddy. This CD is prefect for the girl you're not expecting any truly deep or insightfull conversation from, but that you're almost positive you saw on that Girls Gone Wild Video.

This CD is by far the easiest to make. Just head to the local Wal-Mart and jot down the artists featured on their top 10 rack. Be sure to cater to specific tastes...the girls who loves Country or Death Metal are always the hardest to spot. Or a much easier option is to simply burn a copy of NOW THATS WHAT I CALL MUSIC 293...trust me, she WON'T know the difference.

• Edgy Mix- Rely on this mix if the girl you're chasing is clearly a thousand times smarter and cooler than you ( Yeah Yeah, I know, impossible). If she wears sweet vintage band shirts, a studded belt, has a hair-do that seemes to defy the laws of physics or can breakdance, this mix is for her. WARNING: A bad mix WILL result in this girl ditching you and taking any sense of selfworth you hold for yourself with her.

You're going to have to scour pretty hard to track down some new shit that she's never heard of. But don't fret, be sure to check out Blender and Rolling Stone for up-and-comming artists. If you're basing the mix off TRL Live, throw a few pots in the microwave and set it to HIGH...it will drastically improve the mix. If you've heard it on the radio, skip it. If you saw the band on TV, skip it. If you heard about them through those mini CD's you get on top of your drinks at the movies, skip it. On second thought, don't even bother. You're just going to wind up making an ass of yourself on this one, I speak from experience.

So say you've made it this far, you have a Mix CD you feel is perfect for the girl you're trying to spit game at, what next?

• Print A Label- Nothing says, "This took me 2 minutes to make" like scribbling something on top of the CD in permanent marker. Take the time, print a label. Does it have to be amazing? No. Does it have to be artistic? No, but it helps. Just put something simple, a quote from one of the songs, or your and her name...anything to boost your chances of the CD not becomming her new coaster.

• Do NOT Make A Track Listing- The most common rookie mistake in CD mixing is including a list of the songs. Why, you may ask? If she likes the CD, it almost definatly guarantees a second date. If she already knows a song, she knows it. If she doesn't, how's she going to find out who sang it etc? From YOU dumbass. Plus it adds a bit of mystery to the experience, a wonderful aural journey to be explored and discovered...chicks eat that stuff up.

So there you have it, a fail-safe guide to a mix CD that will almost guarantee a romantic encounter. That is if you worked on your stutter, stopped shopping at K-Mart, bathed once in a while, invested in a tooth-brush, and mannaged to curb that compulsion to viggorously mastrubate in public places.