Alright, I know that this site is for the "blogging" of music but I'm writing this post completely disregarding music. It's probably not the best place to write this, but I'm not about to go register for a blog somewhere else for this one post, so yes I understand this is completely unrelated to the theme of this blog site, but I need to get some things out.
Alright, so about a year ago, me and my ex-girlfriend broke up, but it wasn't one of those "we should see other people, but we can still be friends" kinda thing. In fact, it was more along the lines of, "hey, let's purposely ruin each other's personal experiences (senior prom, graduation, etc.) because we hate each other so much." The last time I ever saw her was my graduation party, which I could easily tell that she did not want to be there.
Once I started college last August, she began contacting me again via AIM. She was very nervous about going to college (she was to go about 3 weeks after I did) and she would constantly ask me questions about what it's like as she looked for comfort of me saying "you're gonna have a blast, don't worry about it." Strangely enough, she talked to me (via AIM) as if we were still going out, with the "i love you's" and "i miss you's" all thrown in there. I did care about her a lot, but I was nervous about what would happen if we DID get back together.
Three weeks later, she headed to college, about 60-70 miles away from where I was and within two nights there, she completely changed. At first, she was scared and wanted to go home. She didn't like the new people there and felt she didn't fit in. She was homesick and scared. Then, literally one day later, I tried calling her but there was no answer. A second time revealed the voice of a strange guy, while it was clear a group of people were in the background laughing about it hysterically. I eventually got in contact (via AIM) and she said for me to leave her alone, she was with her friends. A day later, she contacted me and told me that wasn't her on AIM, and a bunch of the people there took her cell phone as a "joke". I didn't know what to believe at this point.
Over the next week or so, she began changing slowly. She began drinking (something she never did before, which was very surprising to me) because she didn't want to be left out, something she never worried about before. She e-mailed me at 1 in the morning telling me that she was almost raped when she was locked in the room with some kid she didn't know ... and the following day, her away message read, "hangovers sure suck", as if this "raped" thing never happened, or it was just a lie for the amusement of her new friends to see what I would say next. Nonetheless, I decided I needed her out of my life for good. I deleted her phone numbers, blocked her on every website she had an account at, blocked her e-mail addresses and threw my promise ring from her down the sewer. I wanted nothing to do with her.
A few days later, my cell phone rang and I recognized the number. I didn't answer it, she didn't leave a message, and I haven't heard from her since since that day in September of 2006.
I spent the rest of my freshman year enjoying myself at school; I made a ton of new friends and she slowly began to deteriorate from my mind. I was done with girls for the time being and it felt good ... for a little while.
Being stuck on an all-guy floor your freshman year of college does not help you when you just got out of a relationship. My entire school year, I think I met one girl from my school, and it was only because she was always on our floor hanging out in some other guy's room.
Also, I have to add that when it comes to meeting girls, since my breakup, I just can't push myself to even say "hi". I keep replaying it in my mind, telling myself that approaching a girl and just saying "hi" would make me out to be some freak who's trying to hit on someone I don't know and could very well possibly have a boyfriend who will be pissed at me for doing so and eventually kick my ass. It's a crazy hallucination, but its all I can ever think about in such situations.
Anyways, being at school made me lose touch with almost all of my friends from high school (I think I keep in contact with 2), so for me, my summer vacation was literally spent in isolation. I would get up, do yard work, go to work if I had to that day, hang out at home with my parents, go online at night and then fall asleep around 2 in the morning. It was like this dirty habit I couldn't break; I was in a rut and I wanted to get out so badly, but I didn't know what my next move should have been. Luckily, by the time this "rut" thing began sinking in, it was only 2 weeks before school started up again. and I had all these great expectations: I wanted to go there, meet up with the people from last year, meet the new people on the floor, meet some girls and ultimately, find myself a new girlfriend. It didn't seem that hard to me when I was still at home.
The day i moved back to school, I met up with a few people from my floor the previous year and we hung out for a while, and the days went on and as they did, I realized that I wasn't getting to know anyone from my floor. In fact, after 2 weeks here, I still haven't really officially met anyone. My roommates don't help much either, as they sit at their computers for most of the day. I try to take some initiative by asking if they want to go hang out outside with other people, go to the campus center or go see the on-campus movie, but they could care less, and to me, it's awkward going by yourself to introduce yourself to people you've never met before. I feel like I'm getting back into this rut again.
Also, and most pathetically of all, my classes this year seem to have a large percentage of what is usually rare at my school: girls. In fact, my school is about 75% male, but one of my classes this year is 60% female. So you would think this whole "meeting girls and eventually getting a girlfriend" would be easy. I wish it was for me.
So apparently, since my breakup, I've had this phobia of introducing myself to girls and even when given the best circumstances. I've seen so many girls, too, that I would just like to say hi to and maybe ask if they want to hang out or something; hell, one of them literally sat right next to me in class the other day and I couldn't find the nerve to just say hi, I just sat there with my head down all class, it's pathetic. I have so little confidence in myself, it's ridiculous.
I guess this post was to release some feelings I've been holding in since last year and get some things out in the open. I guess I just expected the perfect girl to walk into my life and everyone will live happily ever after ... apparently things don't work that way.
Like I mentioned, this was just a post to get some feelings out and make me feel a little better, so I 'm not expecting people to read this. If you'd like to, go right ahead and if you have any advice or you just want to make fun of me or whatever, feel free. I'm desperate at this point and I know it's my own fault but I just can't break away from it.
To end, I'll throw in a song so this post isn't a complete waste of time for anyone who stubbles across it. I love this song, but I just wish I had someone to sing it to ...
My Trusted MOGs
Wow dude, just so you know, I'm not going to give you any advice or tell you anything that you probably don't already know: The whole ex-girlfriend thing, what she did to you, is just a part of human nature. Your in High School and everythings cool you've got your friends, a part time job to put some money in your pocket, maybe you have your own car. your just starting to get settled into who you are as a person. Then all of a sudden it's May of your senior year and the realization that in 4 short months your whole world is going to be turned u p s i d e d o w n starts to set in. Come September your in a new bed, in a new town, surrounded by new people. For some people, they get a type of seperation anxiety, just this inability to cope with such a drastic change from what they've always known and at first they reach out to everyone they used to feel comfortable with. Then with time things change people fall into their own again.
The friends you had at home tend to move on in the same way, I got back together with some friends after college and all we ever did when we saw each other was talk about the old days, it was nice but kind of depressing. You make new friends, you just do. Everybody around you is in the same boat just open your mouth and start talking to someone you want to talk to and it just happens. For me in college I would just put something on my stereo, turn it up and open my dorm room door and go about my business. Eventually someone would pop by to say "hey who's that" or "oh man you've got to hear this band". Never failed.
By the end of my second year I had gained about 40 lbs and was definitely not very confident when it came to girls, never was, never will be. I always heard in the movies or on tv that if you want something you just have to go out there and do it. I always thought "what a bunch of BS, there's too many factors involved, somethings bound to go wrong, whatever." The truth is, you really just gotta do it. I said screw this, I'm not going to lose weight by drinking beer and eating pizza I've got to do something about it and I did and I stuck with it and I got shit loads of confidence out of it, and girls love confidence, just not too much, well some girls do. When you've got a free hour do something for yourself, jog, paint, learn Chinese, if you've got a kitchen learn to cook (girls love a guy that can cook) I can't stress it more, don't think about it, just f#@king do it. Make yourself happy because nobody else will and if you find somebody that does open your mouth and say "Hi".
My Trusted MOGs
It's alright man. My first year of college had some great moments, but most of my friends lived in the area my school was in, so they went home on the weekends. I was left to my own devices, without a car to explore the city (which pretty much consisted of watching a lot of movies and going on the internet). College can be fun, but it definitely isn't like the movies (I guess unless you go to a huge school, but I wouldn't know). I would say like anything in life find small ways to get out of your comfort zone, because that's when you'll find yourself growing as a person. Like dachmo said, you really just have t do it. More than likely there are other people that feel the same way. And if people are going some where you can always pull a "mind if I catch a ride with you?" type of thing. Thee nice thing about college is that all that high school shit kind of fades a little and people tend to open up (or at least are open to) new experiences and new people, so just be that new person that's interested in meeting them as they may be to meet a new face. Throwing yourself into something you have no experience with or no expectation about can be a lot of fun. It's not high school, your an adult, your allowed to have fun. If you don't set yourself up with expectations of success or failure, you will have a good time. Sorry if this sounds cheesey, but in a similar situation when I let go of what was in my head and followed this, I always had very memorable experiences.
My Trusted MOGs
I sooooooo h e a r t this song & I think its a buet song =) +=P==)