It's what you (did) to me ...

Alright, I know that this site is for the "blogging" of music but I'm writing this post completely disregarding music. It's probably not the best place to write this, but I'm not about to go register for a blog somewhere else for this one post, so yes I understand this is completely unrelated to the theme of this blog site, but I need to get some things out.Alright, so about a year ago, me and my ex-girlfriend broke up, but it wasn't one of those "we should see other people, but we can still be friends" kinda thing. In fact, it was more along the lines of, "hey, let's purposely ruin each other's personal experiences (senior prom, graduation, etc.) because we hate each other so much." The last time I ever saw her was my graduation party, which I could easily tell that she did not want to be there.Once I started college last August, she began contacting me again via AIM. She was very nervous about going to college (she was to go about 3 weeks after I did) and she would constantly ask me questions about what it's like as she looked for comfort of me saying "you're gonna have a blast, don't worry about it." Strangely enough, she talked to me (via AIM) as if we were still going out, with the "i love you's" and "i miss you's" all thrown in there. I did care about her a lot, but I was nervous about what would happen if we DID get back together.Three weeks later, she headed to college, about 60-70 miles away from where I was and within two nights there, she completely changed. At first, she was scared and wanted to go home. She didn't like the new people there and felt she didn't fit in. She was homesick and scared. Then, literally one day later, I tried calling her but there was no answer. A second time revealed the voice of a strange guy, while it was clear a group of people were in the background laughing about it hysterically. I eventually got in contact (via AIM) and she said for me to leave her alone, she was with her friends. A day later, she contacted me and told me that wasn't her on AIM, and a bunch of the people there took her cell phone as a "joke". I didn't know what to believe at this point.Over the next week or so, she began changing slowly. She began drinking (something she never did before, which was very surprising to me) because she didn't want to be left out, something she never worried about before. She e-mailed me at 1 in the morning telling me that she was almost raped when she was locked in the room with some kid she didn't know ... and the following day, her away message read, "hangovers sure suck", as if this "raped" thing never happened, or it was just a lie for the amusement of her new friends to see what I would say next. Nonetheless, I decided I needed her out of my life for good. I deleted her phone numbers, blocked her on every website she had an account at, blocked her e-mail addresses and threw my promise ring from her down the sewer. I wanted nothing to do with her.A few days later, my cell phone rang and I recognized the number. I didn't answer it, she didn't leave a message, and I haven't heard from her since since that day in September of 2006.I spent the rest of my freshman year enjoying myself at school; I made a ton of new friends and she slowly began to deteriorate from my mind. I was done with girls for the time being and it felt good ... for a little while.Being stuck on an all-guy floor your freshman year of college does not help you when you just got out of a relationship. My entire school year, I think I met one girl from my school, and it was only because she was always on our floor hanging out in some other guy's room.Also, I have to add that when it comes to meeting girls, since my breakup, I just can't push myself to even say "hi". I keep replaying it in my mind, telling myself that approaching a girl and just saying "hi" would make me out to be some freak who's trying to hit on someone I don't know and could very well possibly have a boyfriend who will be pissed at me for doing so and eventually kick my ass. It's a crazy hallucination, but its all I can ever think about in such situations.Anyways, being at school made me lose touch with almost all of my friends from high school (I think I keep in contact with 2), so for me, my summer vacation was literally spent in isolation. I would get up, do yard work, go to work if I had to that day, hang out at home with my parents, go online at night and then fall asleep around 2 in the morning. It was like this dirty habit I couldn't break; I was in a rut and I wanted to get out so badly, but I didn't know what my next move should have been. Luckily, by the time this "rut" thing began sinking in, it was only 2 weeks before school started up again. and I had all these great expectations: I wanted to go there, meet up with the people from last year, meet the new people on the floor, meet some girls and ultimately, find myself a new girlfriend. It didn't seem that hard to me when I was still at home.The day i moved back to school, I met up with a few people from my floor the previous year and we hung out for a while, and the days went on and as they did, I realized that I wasn't getting to know anyone from my floor. In fact, after 2 weeks here, I still haven't really officially met anyone. My roommates don't help much either, as they sit at their computers for most of the day. I try to take some initiative by asking if they want to go hang out outside with other people, go to the campus center or go see the on-campus movie, but they could care less, and to me, it's awkward going by yourself to introduce yourself to people you've never met before. I feel like I'm getting back into this rut again.Also, and most pathetically of all, my classes this year seem to have a large percentage of what is usually rare at my school: girls. In fact, my school is about 75% male, but one of my classes this year is 60% female. So you would think this whole "meeting girls and eventually getting a girlfriend" would be easy. I wish it was for me.So apparently, since my breakup, I've had this phobia of introducing myself to girls and even when given the best circumstances. I've seen so many girls, too, that I would just like to say hi to and maybe ask if they want to hang out or something; hell, one of them literally sat right next to me in class the other day and I couldn't find the nerve to just say hi, I just sat there with my head down all class, it's pathetic. I have so little confidence in myself, it's ridiculous.I guess this post was to release some feelings I've been holding in since last year and get some things out in the open. I guess I just expected the perfect girl to walk into my life and everyone will live happily ever after ... apparently things don't work that way.Like I mentioned, this was just a post to get some feelings out and make me feel a little better, so I 'm not expecting people to read this. If you'd like to, go right ahead and if you have any advice or you just want to make fun of me or whatever, feel free. I'm desperate at this point and I know it's my own fault but I just can't break away from it.To end, I'll throw in a song so this post isn't a complete waste of time for anyone who stubbles across it. I love this song, but I just wish I had someone to sing it to ...