MOG

My anxiety/sadness is hardly ever an overall/blanket kind of thing but usually focuses on specific events that I fear, dread, regret. My mind can hardly ever relax as it has to run up to the next "bad thing" it can find and worry over it...whether it's in the past or future (Living in the moment? Not my specialty.) Sometimes these issues are valid; sometimes they're irrational. In any case, yesterday, after a long day of worrying, I was crossing the little street outside my office, which leads into a park and isn't very trafficky and has a sort of wind-tunnel effect to it. This is bad in winter, but in other seasons, it's like you're suddenly in a video, with your hair blowing romantically, and if you happening to be listening to something nice on your iPod, it really all kind of comes together. So crossing this street yesterday I heard "Under the Weather" by KT Tunstall. Here are the words:

Under this national rain cloud

I'm getting soaked to the skin

Trying to find my umbrella

But I don't know where to begin

And it's simply irrational weather

Can't even hear myself think

Constantly bailing out water

But still feel like I'm gonna sink

Coz I'm under the weather

Just like the world

So sorry for being so bold

When I turn out the light

You're out of sight

Although I know that I'm not alone

Feels like home

Feels like home

You say you feel like a natural person

You haven't got nothing to hide

So why do you feel imperfection

Cut like a sword in your side

Coz you're under the weather

Just like the world

So sorry for being so bold

When I turn out the light

You're out of sight

Although I know that I'm not alone

Feels like home

Coz I'm under the weather

Just like the world

And I need somebody to hold

When I turn out the light

You're out of sight

Although I know that I'm not alone

Feels like home

I'm not totally sure what this song is about, but it's a pretty little acoustic guitar number that has a really rocking, freeing electric-guitar part in the middle. Something about KT's voice is very soothing and she seems to be saying, I'm blue, you're blue, the weather sucks, even when you think you're doing OK, you still let things get to you, I just need a little someone to hold, I like being with you. It's kind of a living-in-the-moment sort of song, actually. And its very English in that English pop music way that I love, that goes well with rain. (Although on this particular day, it was not raining.) So, when I was crossing the street, it happened to be right at that freeing, lovely electric guitar part, and my hair was blowing, and for a split second, for just that second, I was happy. And then the next second, I wasn't again. But I kept thinking about that little shred of happiness...it was real, it was really there, for a second, and just 'cause it's not there now, doesn't mean it didn't exist. Because that song exists, and the wind exists, and my iPod exists, and here I am, able to remember what that felt like, even though now I'm onto worrying about something, and walking through the park, and it's getting dark and I'm hot and sad and annoyed and mad at myself and it's late and I'm overwhelmed. And I thought, maybe that's the most that I can hope for, the miniscule sweet moments that come and go, and trying to remember them when I'm down. I know that is so much more easily said than done, but for me, the next day, that tiny shard of contentment is still -- for the momement -- accessible. Here's the video. (For some reason that's not the version of the song on the record, but it's a nice video.)