MOG

While I'm rarely in favor of a band using lyrics to try to trick you in to believing that they live in a different universe where emotions are more powerful and love is deeper and there are no brands names or proper nouns, I'm even less in favor of a band using lyrics to remind me that they live in the same time and civilization as I do by name dropping pop culture references and winking asides about TV and current music. This, among many other reasons, is why I hate the new Fountains of Wayne record "Traffic and Weather".

Let's dig in shall we? The first track "Someone to Love" is sugary sweet with a disco beat and has no less than 3 individual characters with lives just like yours that the band tries to make you care about. They name drop Coldplay, King of Queens and The Late Show. The talk about call waiting taxis and getting a law degree and (I assume) a massaging shower head. They then fade out in some kind of retro throwback to cassette tapes or something. I think the song was about how people are lonely but the eventually find someone but in the meantime they do things that the band finds banal and sad.

Next track, "'92 Subaru". Why a '92 Subaru? Because it rhymes with "you" and "baby blue". It's basically a song about MTV's "Pimp My Ride" as applied to a road trip to see the narrator's "baby". However she's only mentioned in the chorus as the remainder of the song is just a loosely rhymed list of optional and after market features that can be applied to a vehicle such as a Plasma TV, a GPS, an alarm system and probably a fish tank, though they don't just come right out and say it.

Then, there's the timeless tale of love at the DMV on "Yolanda Hayes". Think Lennon's "Lovely Rita" without any of the sincerity and eight times the sarcasm. Seriously. Is the is the "baby" that they were singing about in the previous song? Is that why he's at the DMV? I'm sorry, using the restricted area in the DMV as a metaphor for the walls we all construct around our hearts is thin at best and fuckwitted at worst. But somehow he manages to sweep her off her feet and he mates with the chick from the DMV whose name conveniently rhymes with "days", "ways", and "maze".

Oh god. They're singing about local news anchors sexing each other on live tv. This is the title track? What the fuck IS this! "Ooo we belong together like traffic and weather"? This is INSANE! Who listens to this stuff?! Are they high?! Plus, they must thank The Phone Book in their liner notes because almost every song so far has had at least 2 characters with full names.

Whew, ok. "Fire in the Canyon" It's a country song with transportation themes. Are you seeing a trend? Thank god this song is bearable. Not bearable like "I'd listen to it again" but bearable like "well, I guess I can learn to walk with an artificial knee".

"This Better Be Good" Funny, I was thinking the same thing. Name check: Dockers Pants. Name Check: The Gap. A "you're busted" song about an after work affair with a poorly dressed man at the mall and eating hot dogs. So much for this being good. At least the songs are short.

Next up we have "Revolving Dora" and I've never heard a band want so badly to be honorary Beatles in my entire life. It's like they wanted to slip this track right between "Polythene Pam" and "Mean Mr. Mustard".

Ok, I'm going to take a break here for a second to let my mind rest and have a few drinks. While my margarita is blending let me set the record straight, I've never really been a Fountains of Wayne fan, except "Radiation Vibe", that song is sweet. But mostly they've always seemed like the musical equivalent of that edible packing foam stuff compared to most other music which I'd quantify as "actual food". Ding, my Hot Pockets are done. Hm, that'd be another good simile for Fountains of Wayne. They're the Hot Pockets of Pop.

Ok, moving on. Next up we have some track called "Micheal and Heather at the Baggage Claim". This song is proof that even if you're inconvenieced at an airport waiting for your luggage and nothing that day seems to be going right at least you're in love with a girl named Heather and she feels the same way about you, and that's all you need. That's literally all this song is about. Barf.

Followed by "Strapped for Cash". I didn't actually pay attention to this track. I assume it's got something to do with cheeky, culturally relevant temporary poverty. NEXT!

Aw, a trucker ballad! From the guys who brought you "Stacy's Mom" comes this new classic "I-95"! Named for a generally recognizable trucking American trucking corridor, this song is about a long haul trucker who's lonely for his baby who is waiting for him at home somewhere in the Bible Belt, no doubt wearing a cotton sun dress and no shoes, standing in a field of wheat at sunset. Then a car swerves in front of his truck and I think he dies.

"Hotel Majestic" is about... you know, I don't even know. It's about staying at a hotel or something. They say "Holy Shit" in this song, so that at least elevates this album above a PG rating.

"Planet Weed" is, oh hell you can guess what this is about. It's a song for 13 year olds to get high to. Why do I say 13 year olds? Because I think they're the only people who could possibly enjoy this music, that or the suburban dads of said 13 year olds. How very edgy.

"New Routine" is about living life to the fullest by abandoning your responsibilities and gallivanting around the globe spending money and acting fabulous.

"Seatbacks and Traytables" is about bringing weaponized anthrax aboard a trans-pacific airline flight and releasing it into the air filtration system, killing everyone on board. No, just kidding! It's a song about feeling lonely while traveling. Just like every other song on this bus station toilet of an album.

While it may seem like I'm writhing in agony under the poppy saccharine of this wholly forgettable batch of future ringtones I actually want to thank Mog for letting me review an album that I don't like. It's one thing to write a review of a good album and gush about it to people who will most likely agree, it's a whole other think entirely to crap all over something that cost millions of dollars to produce and distribute and dump garbage on a long-lived band's "reputation" as if they wrote these stupid songs just to piss me off. That's actually _fun_.

Puffmagic gives "Traffic and Weather" by Fountains of Wayne .5 Rob Gordons, and that's only because they wrote "Radiation Vibe".

P.S. I usually include a track from the album so you can share it with me, but I'm not a mean guy by nature so I'm just going to post "Radiation Vibe". Then I'm going to go watch Reality Bites and drink some Crystal Pepsi.

Posted on 04/06/2007

Tags: review