This may come as a surprise to you, but Bon Jovi does not suck. I know, I was just as shocked as you, all this time, all these acid-washed years, I though they were terrible! All the signs were there: big hair, big choruses, a sensitive, yet tough growl and a slight country twang, cheesy, cliché songs about the road and America and havin' a good ol' time and findin' a gal and lovin' her real good. How could it not suck? Well, turns out that even though it's not 1986 anymore Bon Jovi has managed to pull millions of fans with them as they cock-rocked their way into the 21st century by changing little more than their pants in 20 years. They've released nine albums previously and eight of them went platinum. They've toured nearly every country in the world, they're in the UK Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, they have hundreds of millions of fans and have maintained radio presence for almost 25 years and have enjoyed #1 hits in every major market. Everyone can name a Bon Jovi song, 80% of them can sing along to one even if they hate Bon Jovi. They are as ingrained into American music as Elvis Presley and at the time of this writing, they're arguably the most unstoppable rock group in the country. By the numbers and awards alone, it's mathematically and scientifically impossible to prove that Bon Jovi sucks.
It's this kind of logic-defying, unnatural anomaly that makes this review so very hard to write. I feel like if I just come right out and say that Bon Jovi's latest album "Lost Highway" (No relation to the David Lynch film or the Hank Williams album or the book by Richard Currey or the alt country record label) is a huge, lumpy pile of crap I'll be somehow unable to back it up with facts. Usually the facts are on my side! I hear a record that sucks, I confirm to myself that it sucks, I research the album and am validated by other critics who also agree that said album sucks. Not so with "Lost Highway", apparently it's not that bad. Apparently the songs, while cliché and derivative and unimaginative, appeal to the core of the American music buying public in a way that I will never comprehend. It's problematic that I can't bring myself to be completely detached and objective when reviewing this album. Even though a review is, at it's core, a statement of opinion I feel that my initial stance may be a bit to harsh simply because of a deep aversion to anything this cheesy.The opening/title track is packed to the rafters with awful metaphors about how driving is like life. Here's a few of them: review mirror, white lines, hit the gas, ain't no brakes, plastic dashboard Jesus, open road, cruise control, and my personal favorite: "I got just enough religion and a half a tank of gas, come ohwn!" This is the kind of chameleon rock garbage that literally means nothing but, to the right person, means everything. The second track "Summertime" (or, as it should be called, "Summatime" since Bon Jovi sings it like that, you know, all rockin' like?) will probably be this summers tailgate party anthem at every Nascar event. That or the fist-pumping "We Got It Going On", another collection of worn-out exclamations just begging for it's own signature line dance. There's even a break-down in the middle featuring a "preacher" calling up his flock of party animals to "come togethah, and loooove everyone, can I get an ay-meyuhn?" The rest of the album is basically a collection of up-tempo rockers and sensitive ballads, just like every other Bon Jovi album except that "Lost Highway" is a smoky Nashville flavor rather than the original New Jersey. Initially this album produced the same clenching feeling in my gut as one gets when one realizes one has just chugged three mouthfuls of expired milk. Or you see the guy who just cooked your breakfast go two knuckles deep up his nose trying to wrangle the boogershark. However the more I listen to it the more it becomes clear that while, yes indeed, the music is leagues away from what I typically enjoy, there's still decent, solid songwriting in places and I've found a few songs wedged firmly in my head hours after listening. There's a reason why Bon Jovi is caricatured and stereotyped along with the like of Aerosmith and Journey as the soap-operas of rock. Everything seems over-acted and bloated, but that's the brand the fans order every time they go to the jukebox for a compliment to their Coors Lite or their next slow dance through a cloud of Marlboro smoke. I could go into how this kind of base, elementary entertainment is a metaphor for the artistic taste of America in general but that opens up a whole other level of argument that I'm just not into approaching today. So for now I'll just state that regardless of how many fans they have, regardless of how many awards they've won or albums they've sold. Regardless, even, of the fact that a tiny part of me begins to get sucked into the mystique of acid washed jeans, mullets and sleeveless t-shirts towards the end of this album; Bon Jovi sucks. They suck so hard. But music honestly wouldn't be the same without them. Music, for whatever reason, needs Bon Jovi.Puffmagic gives "Lost Highway" by Bon Jovi 2.5 Rob Gordons
Mog Score 5/10
Comments (4)