Did I ask you to put your finger there?

I wanted to get a burrito, but I made the mistake of calling my friend en route to the joint and being saddled with her carrying on over the pathetic state of her current relationship. I wound up driving all over this city and watching as every eating establishment flicked off their "OPEN" signs. What was I supposed to do? Fake diarrhea? "Baby, I'd really like to ask you why your boyfriend didn't show up for your party, but I have mud butt." That would have gone down well.And now, I am eating a Lean Cuisine. All after hearing a 25-year-old nearly in tears over the fact her friends are married and breeding, and she can't seem to find "the right one." Worst part about it is that she throws all the blame on herself. That puts me in this role of rehabilitator and fuck, Lean Cuisine sucks. I've never been in a relationship, yet my friends dump this toxic heteroblather on me and ask for my opinion. Fuck if I know. My longest relationship lasted two dates and consisted of a bad dinner, a game night and a parking ticket. I hate all this sub-par HBO bullshit. All I want is a back massage.