Mothers that Kill
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My Mamo died over a decade ago.
She was a playboy mommy, I think this song and the book White Orleanders really sum her role as a mother up.
I have written quite a bit about her and am working on a new project that is a look into a specific set of events when I was 3. It is a ghost story.
This little poem is something I posted to my blog a couple months back and when I ran across this Tori song, I thought about this piece and thought I would share........................
Her Decay
Come see what I got from the woods-
I went walking in the night thinking about you and your death. How you never came back to me, how I collect Ones like you: But they are not you!
Is there a reason for this betrayal?
Was there a reason you were always leaving?
In a root cellar I dreamed you a good woman. . . I dreamed you wanted me and in the cold musty dark nights of his torturous hand, the one you left me with, I dreamed of you and that something so horrid took you away leaving me to that chamber and his hatred of you. I looked him in the eyes always, and always he looked at me and saw you.
I grew cold and strong for you.
In the woods I buried it deep, by the dark of the moon, secretly covering my tracts, secretly I kept your love there too.
I know my way in dark places;
And I knew my way back to your grave in the woods last night.
There you are and have always been.
Sometimes I imagine you frozen and beautiful, other times I see the parasites claiming your beauty leaving you cleaned to the bone and of your fleshly actions.
See what I got from the woods?
Locating MOG account...
Comments (13)
This Lucinda Williams song is also one that makes me think of her...even on fathers day.
I often wonder if my boys will have the same impression of me. Why did i let them leave. Why did me and mommy fight? I hope somday I can explain it to them. But who knows they may never want to listen. Fathers day sucks for me. It taunts me with my own failures as a father and my selfishness as a person. Now I am on the brink of giving them up to be adopted by the ex wifes latest boyfriend. This will get me out of child support and effectively erase what has been to this point the worst misteak i've ever made. Why then do I feel like some kind of monster? I was a piss poor dad, and now I prove my love by severing all ties except the one. The one last thread is the condition I have with the ex that they have to always be able to find me if and when they want to. I tell myself that staying away will help them heal, that it'll let them get on with their lives. I even believe it somtimes. But not now, not today. God I need a drink! (sigh)
Okay, Niishi - You've got MY heart...
Karin, you have mine. :)
Danse, It is a choice I would not want to make.
I can as an adult see into Her life and what she must have been going through, but the child in me can not rationalize it. I idolized her until this year....all these years she was a Goddess. I learned and became strong by the age of 12, those early times imprint deeply and set a tone, like an enchantment that is very difficult to break. I feel resolute at this stage, it is like book, I am part of it by reading it, yet, I am not it.
Life is a path.
It's interesting to look at this from anothers point of view. I'd like to ask if they'll ever forgive me but only time can answer that and she's not talking. I married to young, for the wrong reasons, and inflicted my misteak on two innocent children. In my defense I had chosen to love the ex and stay with her for the rest of my life. She sadly didn't make the same decision. But still if we go all the way back to the beginning it was my decision and I caved to religeous pressure and married her because I knocked her up. Doing the "right" thing has never gone so wrong. I have made my peace with this now and will not make the same misteak twice. You did touch my black little heart with this Nish even drawing a little blood but I heal fast. I am confident my kids will be fine and tougher for the experience. I look foreward to the day they show up and kick my ass!
not sure if you guys have any desire to apply this in your situations but for what it's worth, i've always looked at parents as kids. whether my own or friends with children, it's been easier for me to accept the things you both speak about.
Robin, I see it all so clear now, I also know the kinds of choices she had to make in the industry at that time, Hell, look how Nico did. I am able to write about it now, about Her and the woman she was behind the image.
Lots of my memories are of taking care of her when she was coming down, I would see the gorgeous photos all over the damned world and then see the wreck in bed all fucked up. I see it more in third person now, with detachment.
i'm psyched to read more, so i hope you finish your piece. you're a great writer and i'm a fan of creative angles.
weird that i just sat on the floor of Barnes and Noble the other day reading about Nico and her son.
Your the Best.
I know, that is a rough story, Ari had that horrible father, good thing for the grandparents in France.
talk about a poignant video.
That does blow in like a breath of fresh air. I saw myself as a kid back then, it was just insain to me that I was responsible for a human life. I couldent believe it or handle it, the pressure not to screw em up probably made me screw em up!
try to move past the self deprecation Danse and work on the future. kids are works-in-progress, even when they're the parents.
The kids are a sore subject for me. There's some unresolved angst associated with that chapter of my life. The masochistic tendency to self depricate is a symptom of that condition.