Toxic Pie
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There are a lot of good reasons to hate the so-called "hair bands" - the crass, low-brow wannabes who took '70s glam-rock and heavy-metal and dumbed them down to fabricate a poor excuse for a movement - glam-metal, if you will - in the 1980s. They were (and, in some cases, still are) stupid, misogynistic, banal, and way derivative.
The spawning ground for this aberration was the Hollywood club scene - specifically, a handful of joints on the Sunset Strip. With its prevalence of music industry scouts, groupies and hangers-on, it was the logical ground-zero for boneheaded young musicians whose hunger for sex, drugs, and fame (i.e. rock stardom) led them to grow their hair long and poufy, wear make-up, and generally stomp or mince around on stage in platform shoes and tight black Spandex pants.
Hard to decide if the apex (nadir?) of caterwauling hair-band noise was provided by Ratt, Poison, or even the ridiculously overrated Guns 'N' Roses. But, if you like shrill 'n' screamy vocals, excessive guitar wanking, lumbering rhythms (and the occasional heavy-handed, overly sentimental power ballad), I'd vote for Warrant - one of the plethora of witless, arrogant Hollywood groups stalking the Strip. Their infantile signature number "Cherry Pie" might be the most toxic example of the pestilence in question. And since it's Tuesday, well…
Audio above. Video below. Try a little "Cherry Pie," and see if you can hold it down.
Locating MOG account...
Comments (34)
......you know I skipped the red button & the video. Warrant were simply Uriah Heep for the eighties, all spiritual kin to Grand Funk Railroad & yes the absolutely the most ridiculously over-rated GNR. So I pass on your noxious aural assault...but I gotta tell you, I love this theme. How goes the rehab,gimp?
Slow, but steady. My leg is like a tortoise - one that limps. But the race shall be won!
Of all the hair metal bands, I've always felt Warrant had the most nuanced grasp of polyrhythms.
Hey, DM, what's up?
It has been awhile but I liked it, until that Ugly woman in it!! Ha-Ha-Ha :D
...Oh there's no doubt. Determination tempered with patience is such an easy bromide to offer and so I won't. When the music moves you...get up an' hobble around. LOL
ivy: OMG! You erudite bastard!
elmanolete: Grotty!
dmdm: There's no stoppin' the cretins from hoppin'!
OK, deadman I think I got it---the rain in Spain falls-----
by Jove I do have " Determination tempered with Patience----mainly on the plane--I've Got It"
Warrant always seem to get the "straw that broke the camel's back award", and probably deservedly, but what about the groups like Faster Pussycat, or Winger, or hell, even Extreme. The 80's/90's metal senario always seemed to be guitar virtuoso teamed with assinine vocalist/lyricist. Kind of all low budget David Lee Roth types.
elmanolete you have given me my laugh of the day!!
YEAH!
c.b.w.: So true. To my ears, they all suck. But I wanted to single out a quintessential example that would also embody the, um, "virtues" of the style - and Warrant drew the short straw (that broke the camel's back).
inrumford: What? No laughing at Warrant?
Sorry, elmanolete's comment just hijacked your post and I was laughing so hard I forgot what I was going to say.
But you are right, my friend - Warrant etal - laugh or cry? They are what they are, they serve a fanbase, they make a buck - good for them.
I may reserve a chuckle for said fanbase, but never for those who serve it.
inrumford: Fair and balanced of you. (No FOX News reference intended.)
I daresay the vocalist of Warrant agrees with us.
Dale: Wow. I had no idea that Philip Seymour Hoffman was once the lead singer of Warrant.
I just got done listening to patton oswald talk about 80's metal bands. Take a listen and enjoy
Patton Oswalt: "If you were into metal in the '80s, guess what? You're gay!"
(Well-played, Rawk!)
i enjoyed patton as elton john on flight of the conchords this past week, hilarious
let's not forget the tune that started it all for warrant
down boys
i do wanna go where the down boys go baby!
I still love the damn yankee bit...........that had me cracking up on the way into work this morning
Patton does rock. Another acquaintance from the San Fran comedy scene and morning radio show who went on to big things. Good guy, too.
Patton Oswalt is a god.
i am so humiliated that i used to watch Head Bangers Ball religiously. and had permed hair. but ROCK ON DUDE!
ivy: Well, I don't have a shrine to him or anything (and he was willing to work beneath his station on "The King of Queens) but, yes, he's quite a talented fellow.
ongo: Permed! (Like "Burned!") Chalk it up to the folly of youth.
that's kind of you, Mike. :-D
Patton Oswalt FTW right there! Well played indeed Kevin sir. ::bows::
My fave image in the Warrant video is of the piece of cherry pie dropping into the lap of the 'sexy' woman! No subtlety there, hahaha. And I have to agree w/ Patton Oswalt, I always thought those vids were so gay.
ongo: I live to accomodate. (When I damn well feel like it!)
Dale: We're not worthy! (Well, we're a little worthy. But some of us are worthier than others. On the other hand, worthy is as worthy does. Oh, never mind.)
August: Pie is tasty. M-m-m-m...
Not a huge grunge fan here, but I am in the sense that it killed off this fucking genre. A nadir in the history of rock. Somehow Bon Jovi survived. Too bad.
Nauseous. Absolutely and mind-numbingly nauseous. Which might be a bit odd considering I have a soft spot for Pour Some Sugar On Me..... ;)
You too huh? Why am I not surprised? :)
dermahrk: Better grunge than garbage? Any day of the week.
Anna: Well, sugar is sweet, and so are you. Sort of...
Dale: And you, too, Leppard lover
Mike,
I gotta hand it to you- you nailed it again. Especially about GNR being greatly overrated.
The lyrics to this make a Def Leppard song sound like Shakespeare (well, almost).
And the video...ugh! NJot just cheesy but so over-edited they can't hold a single camera shot for a full second! Speaking of Def Leppard...
It is such a pity that Cheap Trick has to be the opening act for Def Leppard and Poison on tour this summer. Def Leppard- well at least they sold 65 million records- but Poison???!!! They don't even have their lead singer anymore so what is the point?
Come to think of it- what was ever the point with them?
btw- I just started phys therapy for my sciatica. ouch- how is your leg doing?
No, thanks - i remember the song all too well (that is, i remember that it existed; that's bad enough without remembering what it sounded like).
A review i read somewhere Back Then said something along the lines of "To say hair metal is sexist and crass is like saying baseball is boring - indisputably true, but the fans don't care."
I remember a Poison video that tried to pretend they were badass bikers. Real badass bikers would have taken one look at them and set them on fire and pissed them out. After they sodomised them several times.
(OTOH, Twisted Sister actually looked like bikers in their Leader of the Pack video.)
Of course, it wasn't just the boys who were lame - i remember a video (was it Ronstadt?) where a bunch of girls scare off a nasty pimp by shaking their tits at him!
Here's the Best Comment Ever on hair metal (what makes it funnier it that MTV actually used visuals from this video {without the pisstake lyric or music} in promos for Headbangers' Ball - or was it 120 Minutes?):
(If the guitar solo sounds familiar {as well as completely pointless}, that's because it's Buck Dharma.)
I notice Motley Crue has escaped everyone's opprobrium. Must be because they really were badass.
But what I really want to know is whether the guy who wrote the ur-song for this genre got the royalties. Or the credit. Coz it is one seriously bad-ass drum sound, guitar riff and massed harmonies - enough to sustain mutiple careers for years on end!
Fasted7: No point to any of them other than pulling skanky chicks, getting wasted, and fancying themselves important stars. Cheap Trick, on the other hand, was/is/will always be sharp, entertaining rock and rollers. They shouldn't, um, cheapen themselves on a tour like that. Regarding the leg, it's still there. I'm doing the exercises and taking the supplements. Won't know its status until x-rays and and an exam the end of the month. But thanks for asking. Hope your problem clears up.
ff: Ah. But this post wasn't for the fans, many of whom can't read anyway. ;-)
Jonh: Sorry I didn't mention the lame and ridiculous Crue who embody everything bad about the genre - not that there's anything good (drum sound, guitar riffs and harmonies be damned).