It ain't x-mas until...
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Artist:
Here's my x-mog post to you my pals. Happy whatever you're celbrating.Christmas music is funny. You'll find yourself listening to traditional tunes by artists you'd normally hire a hitman to eliminate, given the chance. Often you'll wish the ditty of the moment was the version on those scratchy but dear LPs that came out of the closet around Thanksgiving when you were a child. They could have been the most cheesy and overwrought renditions of "Jingle Bells" or "Silent Night" by the most uncool artists but because they were the soundtrack for some of the most magical moments you ever experienced, you can never hate them. You might be a complete Doc Martins wearing Marxist Che shirt-sportin libertine who's done some damage in the mosh pits in your youth now or you know the birthdays of the all the members of Einsturzende Neubauten, but damn if hearing Dean Martin, Burl Ives, Bing Crosby or Johnny Mathis can't make you well up a little bit for home and hearth. The Jingle Dogs may even make you wag your tail or Julie Andrews can still make you wish you still believed in Santa.And you remember the sound of that old stereo... a portable record player... a gargantuan console... or your childhood Close 'N Play (see illus. below, oh children of the 80s and 90s)
Those records hissed and skipped and you got used to it and still think there should be a pop after the first verse whenever you hear "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." You may not have had a fireplace but the analog hiss and crackle was like having a Yule Log hidden somewhere.It was always odd where those albums came from. Someone bought it at the supermarket of all places in the late 50s or got it for free with a full tank at the filling station somewhere in the 60s. Maybe your family didn't have x-mas music but your great-aunt did or your grandparents did. They always had Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Arthur Godfrey or Nat King Cole. They may have had some various artists album presented by Westinghouse or BF Goodrich that your patriarch would mercilessly put on repeat when you came down the stairs in your pajamas. You heard it at least four times before someone dared to complain. You still aren't sure who Ed Ames or Tennesse Ernie Ford were but you can still imitate their phrasing on "Silver Bells" if you wanted to.Sometimes your relative was someone who really had no taste in music and never followed what was popular or ever bought even a Lawrence Welk or Mitch Miller album to accompany some never to ever happen finger sandwich and High Ball-fueled social dancing in the living room, but they had a Christmas album or two from the appliance store and guess what? You were going to hear it, by golly and it sure was going to be swell.By the time you collapsed in a heap of wrapping paper somewhere around noon, you had probably had your fill of chocolate, candy canes, adult laughter, silver-haired warbling and burns from the huge bulbs on the prickly real tree someone insisted on slaughtering. You did not want to hear Christmas music until... well, hell, you weren't even sure you would want to hear it again next Christmas.But guess what? Guess which songs and which versions by which artists you are dying to hear just once more in 2006? Guess which ones, albeit in pristine digital form, you know it wouldn't be right to survive until Dec. 25 without hearing? Yup. The Bing Crosby, the Nat King Cole, the Peggy Lee, the Connie Francis, the Pat Boone, the Carpenters, the Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass super-duper all-star super longplay hi-fi swingin' Christmas songs of yore.Just give in to it. It's only once a year. Even if you have to get drunk to do it and are too self-conscious to do it anywhere but over your iPod, go for it. I won't tell if you don't tell. Don't let on that I love Andy Williams' Christmas Album or like hearing The Golddiggers once in a while. I will hunt you down if it gets out though.So in closing, I bet your faves of the Yuletide season includes this gem. I don't know who the hell Sir Percival is but Bing Crosby stopped beating the wife and kids long enough to entertain a visit from some English lad whose gender-bending, androgyny and space ace carrying on were evidently stowed away in a manger for these unique 4 minutes and 20-some seconds in TV history. Enjoy.
Those records hissed and skipped and you got used to it and still think there should be a pop after the first verse whenever you hear "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." You may not have had a fireplace but the analog hiss and crackle was like having a Yule Log hidden somewhere.It was always odd where those albums came from. Someone bought it at the supermarket of all places in the late 50s or got it for free with a full tank at the filling station somewhere in the 60s. Maybe your family didn't have x-mas music but your great-aunt did or your grandparents did. They always had Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Arthur Godfrey or Nat King Cole. They may have had some various artists album presented by Westinghouse or BF Goodrich that your patriarch would mercilessly put on repeat when you came down the stairs in your pajamas. You heard it at least four times before someone dared to complain. You still aren't sure who Ed Ames or Tennesse Ernie Ford were but you can still imitate their phrasing on "Silver Bells" if you wanted to.Sometimes your relative was someone who really had no taste in music and never followed what was popular or ever bought even a Lawrence Welk or Mitch Miller album to accompany some never to ever happen finger sandwich and High Ball-fueled social dancing in the living room, but they had a Christmas album or two from the appliance store and guess what? You were going to hear it, by golly and it sure was going to be swell.By the time you collapsed in a heap of wrapping paper somewhere around noon, you had probably had your fill of chocolate, candy canes, adult laughter, silver-haired warbling and burns from the huge bulbs on the prickly real tree someone insisted on slaughtering. You did not want to hear Christmas music until... well, hell, you weren't even sure you would want to hear it again next Christmas.But guess what? Guess which songs and which versions by which artists you are dying to hear just once more in 2006? Guess which ones, albeit in pristine digital form, you know it wouldn't be right to survive until Dec. 25 without hearing? Yup. The Bing Crosby, the Nat King Cole, the Peggy Lee, the Connie Francis, the Pat Boone, the Carpenters, the Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass super-duper all-star super longplay hi-fi swingin' Christmas songs of yore.Just give in to it. It's only once a year. Even if you have to get drunk to do it and are too self-conscious to do it anywhere but over your iPod, go for it. I won't tell if you don't tell. Don't let on that I love Andy Williams' Christmas Album or like hearing The Golddiggers once in a while. I will hunt you down if it gets out though.So in closing, I bet your faves of the Yuletide season includes this gem. I don't know who the hell Sir Percival is but Bing Crosby stopped beating the wife and kids long enough to entertain a visit from some English lad whose gender-bending, androgyny and space ace carrying on were evidently stowed away in a manger for these unique 4 minutes and 20-some seconds in TV history. Enjoy.
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