WHERE THE HOKEY POKEY "IS" WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT
Jess Horrible
Jess Horrible
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self-love

Posted over 3 years ago
Max turned me on to this yesterday! And fabulous, but truly fabulous it is.Poor Jessica Simpson, enslaved capitalist that she is, is now releasing "personalized" versions of her "hit" new single, "A Public Affair". What do I mean by "personalized"? I mean, if you can shell out a mere $1.99, this blond nutshell will actually sing your name, followed by all kinds of suggestive lyrics!Cheap? Perhaps. Cheesy? Horribly. And picture Jessica herself, the hours she must have spent in the studio going "Aaron... Adam..."Go on, look at the list of names.Notice anything? Like, that there appear to be more female names than male? Yes! In a seeming nod to bisexuality (not that we need any more help from straight girls, thanks), Jessica has firmly straddled the gender fence.But here's the best part: when I downloaded the song (of COURSE I downloaded it, I had to blog it!), I was forced to choose between "Jess," "Jessy," and "Jessica".And now without any further ado, I present to you:A Public Affair (for Jessica) -- Jessica Simpson
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Comments (17)

  1. max
    max says ahaha...i love this so much, the capitalism is killng me...as well as the hilarity
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  2. Whoohaha
    Whoohaha says had to look for my name..."owen" isn't there either. damn sexist bastards!
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  3. SirJaneRussell
    SirJaneRussell says I'm honored to see that she has "chuck", though it's not the most singable of names. "Hey chuuuuuuck..." The song really isn't so bad though, mildly cribbed from "Holiday" as it is.
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  4. roundrocker
    roundrocker says Couldn't find roundrocker either. What a crummy list! I wonder if Mog-O-Matic will report that I've listened to the "Jess" version of this song 14 times?
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  5. fistula spume
    fistula spume says I heard about that on This Week In Tech. It's hilarious. Too bad you can't have her say whatever though. The devious side of me (that likes frosting) has so much I would make her say. Soon she'll just be a hologram in peoples living rooms performing for us personally like they did in that "Wild Palms miniseries":http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106175/.
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  6. Tone Box
    Tone Box says Ha! My name is on there... but..... but... if it was .49 i might....but nah, she ain't gettin' my money! good find! awesome.
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  7. chaucer
    chaucer says I had to hear this, so I purchased the song with my name. But, instead of singing "Hey Lee. . ." - which is my name and the version I purchased - she clearly sing "Hey Leslie. . ." Jessica Simpson ripped me off!
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  8. slackline radio
    slackline radio says Maybe there is a brain up there after all.
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  9. Killa
    Killa says ahhhh america, land of the free and home of the 80's rip off capitalists, cha-CHING! :)
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  10. Rinserepeat
    Rinserepeat says Never before have I cringed and laughed simultaneously as when I read this post and listened to your "song"...Wow. ;)
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  11. steve simon
    steve simon says this is a sign that the world is ending
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  12. richiesteelo
    richiesteelo says Not only is rich and richard on the list, so is RICHIE!!!!! (sweet) As soon as I get home from work I'm gonna download this and see how many times I have to play it before my girlfriend notices, hehe. (hopefully not TOO many)
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  13. SWozniak
    SWozniak says Isn't this girl supposed to be a pastor's daughter or something?
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  14. LadyC
    LadyC says that pic is damn scary ok listening your tune.... oh jess this is so horribly funny and wrong. that girl cannot sing!
    Permalink posted 07/26/2006
  15. bloodruby
    bloodruby says hahahahahaha! this reminds me of the "as seen on tv" cd of lullabies featuring your baby's name in each song. but way funnier.
    Permalink posted 07/27/2006
  16. B42
    B42 says Intestinal cravings of adolescent daydreamers marketed to the masses under the heading of pop culture...exciting, eh? Narcisism as a narcotic, self love indeed, we are all guilty or perhaps not.....Good post Jess, Jessy, and Jessica,... {sorry, I could not resist...} http://encyclopedia.tfd.com/Narcisism
    Permalink posted 07/28/2006
  17. Jess Horrible
    Jess Horrible says hee hee, love it. Narcissism, now there's an addiction!
    Permalink posted 07/28/2006

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