How could I possibly explain it so that you would understand this ... this.. longing?
My time in the service left me with more then a closet full of shiny shoes.
It gave me a sense of enormity and a very tactile understanding about man and our place in nature.
This calling is another one of those demons I spoke of in an earlier post but, unlike my other demons, this one is my favorite. No other demon has colored my daily life more then my want to get back on the ocean. If you were to hang with me (for more than a few hours) you would see what I am talking about. My kids like our trips to the seafood section of the local grocery because they are amazed by dads explanations of the fish we consume.
Alex: What's that? Me: Tilapia. A good all around fish. Baylor: What are those? Me: What do they look like? B: Little lobsters. Me But what do they really look like? B: Ahhh .. ah .. Crayfish! A: Crawdads. Me: Your both right. Lindsay: What's that? Me: Monkfish. Poor man's lobster. Creepiest looking fish you have ever seen. And they taste great. A: And it's cheap. Me: Good eye. Lindsay: Where do they live? Me: All the way at the bottom of the sea. They like to live with the ground below them and water above them. You guys thought the hagfish looked weird, wait till you see a monkfish. Some people call them 'Stargazers' because they have eyes on top of their heads and they're always looking up. A: Towards the stars. Me: That's right. Me: I love you guys. A, B, and L: Love you too, Dad. (With a great hug from Lindsay).
In real time;
I was struck with a few thoughts.
I love my kids. Everything about them. That's a given.
I miss my old shipmates. The guys I lived with for a few years of my life. There's about 360 of them. Where are they now?
I have seen some pretty cool things. Like a school of hammerhead sharks off the coast of Ecuador. Yeah I said sharks and schools in they same sentence. About 7-8 of them off the side of my old ship. That not something your going to see on Route 22 heading west.
Stargazer. That I am. I like to look into emptiness. One of the reasons I enjoy being at sea is the feeling that nobody has sailed this way. While this probability becomes less and less everyday, regardless, you still get that narcotic of being 'the first'. It's true of the ocean and true of space. In retrospect I guess in space the probability of being 'the first' is excessively greater. In a sentence:
I embrace the unknown.
And it is the demon that is impossible to overcome.
I can live with that.
I guess some shout outs are in order.
uncle creepy, for the tune. This is a complete ripoff. I'm not going to lie. Grabbed it from his excellent playlist. This track just tops me off. I could see this tune being on my 'desert island disk'. Never heard of it before tonight. You can find another piece of my dilemma over at his page in comments.
Carl Sagan, Ernest Hemmingway, Kurt Vonnegut, Bob Dylan, Douglas Adams, Monkfish, and everyone/everything else I forget to mention.
Hope this track speaks to you like it spoke to me tonight.
My Trusted MOGs
Here are the lyrics for all you slow listeners.
Artist : Joan Baez Songwriter: Bob Dylan Song : Love Is Just A Four Letter Word
Seems like only yesterday I left my mind behind Down in the Gypsy Café With a friend of a friend of mine She sat with a baby heavy on her knee Yet spoke of life most free from slavery With eyes that showed no trace of misery A phrase in connection first with she I heard That love is just a four-letter word
Outside a rambling store-front window Cats meowed 'til the break of day Me, I kept my mouth shut, To you I had no words to say My experience was limited and underfed You were talking while I hid To the one who was the father of your kid You probably didn't think I did, but I heard You say that love is just a four-letter word
I said goodbye unnoticed Pushed towards things in my own games Drifting in and out of lifetimes Unmentionable by name After searching for my double, looking for Complete evaporation to the core Though I tried and failed at finding any door I must have thought that there was nothing more absurd Than that love is just a four-letter word
Though I never knew just what you meant When you were speaking to your man I could only think in terms of me And now I understand After waking enough times to think I see The Holy Kiss that's supposed to last eternity Blow up in smoke, its destiny Falls on strangers, travels free Yes, I know now, traps are only set by me And I do not really need to be assured That love is just a four-letter word
Strange it is to be beside you, many years the tables turned You'd probably not believe me if told you all I've learned And it is very very weird, indeed To hear words like "forever" plead so ships run through my mind I cannot cheat it's like looking in a teacher's face complete I can say nothing to you but repeat what I heard That love is just a four-letter word.
My Trusted MOGs
Yes, I know now, traps are only set by me.
Looks like I have a new tune to learn.
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Sheer poetry.
It is a fine song, just the way Baez released it.. any day now. The kind of music that stays in your craw for years and years.
Happy it touched you this evening.
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Buddy, you completely shanked me.
I must have hit repeat 18-20 times tonight.
This tune completed my thoughts before I had them.
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Great tune and arrangement, well sung. Did anybody ever write lyrics as difficult personal poetry before him? Who knows what these mean, but they are poetic.
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Chris. You have awakened the wanderlust. It will never fully sleep again. Although Joannie alway credited Dylan with the song, she herself wrote the lion's share of the lyric around a few scraps by The Master. She also stabilized the tune somewhat.
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I was always partial to Halibut, myself. Or Black Cod, but I think my favorite is Grouper. As for the sea...
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Its an odd thing about Rhode Islanders but we measure time and distance diferently than the rest of the world. No one in this state can be more than 45 mins from the ocean. But we consider 45 minutes to go anywhere outrageous.
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I've got an interesting juxtaposition here, I'm about an hour from the ocean to the east, about a mile from the choptank river which feeds directly in to the Chesapeake Bay, about twenty minutes from here. One of the few places on the east coast where one can watch the sun set into the water, some of the best sunsets I've seen. (click on choptank river, damn white interface)
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OK, last one I promise, I'll steal no more time from you. Excellent post, I have this affinity for water and the ocean much the way you do, it seems.
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Man, how I like your musings about life and the sea!!! I wish I could just 1/10 as articulate as you. -- The song is tad bit too perfect for your post ;) That Robert Zimmerman know how use his words...
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Bobby never did paint a version of his 116th masterpiece... maybe he thought it was a throwaway... or he knew that Joanie virtually owned the song, that she flat out made it hers forever.
Here she is shortly after cutting the original studio version, being coaxed by banjo maestro Earl Scruggs into doing it live in (what appears to be) her living room...
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Adam, that's to cool. Fire drowning in the water. I never really listened to Feist, maybe that will change soon.
Jeff we are cut from the same cloth. Yours is probably hemp and mine is a cotton poly blend.
Michael, Me articulate? You my friend are a true wordsmith par excellence.
I graciously accept your compliment. Thank you.
And yes, the song was played over and over as I wrote. I tried to follow the cadence.
uncle, I saw this vid last night. What a treat. It's true, Baez does own this song, I couldn't imagine Dylan singing it.
My Trusted MOGs
I've never been to sea other than a motor boat, but I understand the wanderlust, the feeling of being first. When I was young I used to go creeping around buildings, trying to find hidden spots off the halls or whatever. I'd get some sort of special kick out of the idea that I was seeing some part of the world that very few people would every lay their eyes on. I can remember back in 1993 the chapel at my college caught fire, and it was about a year before it was reopened. But they left it pretty open and I would constantly be exploring the nooks and crannies of the place. I've probably seen more of that building than just about anyone else save for the workers who built and renovated it. (And, sad to say now, left me mark with a spray paint can).
I too like looking out at endlessness. I'm about 30 minutes away from several beaches and the end of the land in downtown Charleston, and before the kids were born it wasn't unusual for me and later the wife as well to just go somewhere to stare at the sea. We still do, but it's more for swimming than looking.
Ironically, though, I hate fish.
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I Am, have you heard "Cactus Tree" by Joni Mitchell?
It's on my playlist right before "Love Is Just A Four Letter Word" for your convenience.
I'm changing the version of "Amelia" to the original studio version, a bit more one of a kind... Joni was magic in the studio.
And glad you saw the living room video of Joan, again, I prefer the studio version, I don't want to see her face, just want to imagine the lyrics and feel the music apart from anything temporal, other than the creeping nostalgia of what it felt like hearing on the radio in 1969, sailing with my Father... who passed away at sea on his boat (actually, berthed and asleep at the time, but rocking on saltwater, he sailed into eternity...)
My Trusted MOGs
I know how you feel. I'm lucky enough to be able to walk by the sea in my city, and there are myriad beaches close by. Whenever I go to a city that is far away from the sea, a part of me feels out of place. Stargazer and seagazer, may your longing come soon to an end.