He was never good at this sort of thing. Sure he was familiar with the language but when it came to putting it all together or tying up the loose ends, well that's when everything fell apart. Like a mark put on the send, he felt like he lost so much but still had that sliver of hope that he could win it all back.
Gats, geetus, and gun molls. All the pieces were there. The 'Crew' with all it's members. The 'Abner' his motivation was easy to figure out.. And the 'Single-o' who could have been around just to chase the lace. This puzzle was too complex to figure out in the limited time he had.
He listed the players:
The 'Crew';
The Roper – The guy who finds the mark and tries to steer him towards the 'Mechanic'. This guy is also known as a 'Steerer'.
The Mechanic – Or 'Top Con', The Mechanic is the one who actually does the con. He’s the one whom the mark is playing against. It doesn’t have to be just one person, but for the sake of efficiency it usually is. Sometimes it’s the 'Shill' who gets mistaken for another Mechanic.
The Shill – This is the person who makes winning look so easy. Of course this is all an act because it is the mechanic who is letting the Shill win. The Shill is important because he is the one who gets the mark or marks to play along. The 'Stick' and the Shill are like the one two punch of the con.
The Stick – This guy plays the straight man. If the Mark comes on to strong he is there to side with the Mechanic. His role works best in conjunction with the 'Chiller'
The Chiller – Is the guy who tries to sort out the Mark. When things go hinky, it is the Chillers job to calm things down. His role is protection, just like the 'Wall Man'.
The Wall Man – He is the eyes of the Crew. He scouts for cops and potential Marks.
Others that play the Game;
The Abner – This is the Mark. The cat with the dough. A chump.
The Single-o – Solitary con man. A guy who works without a Crew.
Just after he listed the players he heard the 'Bing, Bong' of his subway stop. The commute home went faster then he had expected. No worries though, today’s crossword puzzle can wait, and with that he exited the train with nothing more on his mind then the answer to 17 down.
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Okay, I'm trying to place this, but I haven't read a lot of "con" type books. The only one I can think of is Blaze by Richard Bachman, i.e. Stephen King, but that doesn't sound right, as the main character was slightly feebleminded and couldn't do something like crossword puzzles.
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No Chuck, this is all me.
Feeble attempt at 'short story'. Actually, first attempt.
Though I appreciate the company you put me in.
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Well, it runs better than that whole thing I did last November. Which I have yet to revisit.
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Cool tunage aye.
:)
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Good song. I'd never heard it, or heard of Betty Davis (unless that was Miles Davis' wife), for that matter.
It obviously hasn't gotten very far along yet, but I like your voice. I used to work as a copy editor, though, so forgive me if I make a few (hopefully useful) suggestions...
1) You might consider introducing (what I assume is) the main character by his name, not as "he," which comes off as a little bit self-conscious, and has perhaps been done once too often before.
2) There are some fairly easily-spotted errors of grammar, punctuation, syntax and construction. "The 'Abner' his motivation was easy to figure out," for example, or putting an apostrophe in "its" in its possessive inflection; like "his" or "her." "It" is a pronoun, and unless it's part of a contraction - of, say, "it is" or "it has" - apostrophes should be kept away.
3) I have no clue what a "geetus" is, or what the expression "chase the lace" means. This can be a good thing, and draw the reader's curiosity and interest, but it can also very easily become a headache if you're not careful.. For an excellent example of using unfamiliar terminology to involve (rather than confuse) readers, I recommend Patrick O'Brian's seafaring novels.
4) The roll call of characters that "he" goes through in his mind is very useful for purposes of exposition, but it's rather unconvincing. If you're a member of a particular sort of business, or sports team, or organized group of whatever sort, do you really find yourself mentally listing your colleagues' roles and their definitions? Of course, this isn't a problem if you make it a fixed trait of the character - a habit of questioning and reiterating things most people would take for granted; a mild neurosis, maybe. Oh; and the line "Others that play the Game;" is very dubious internal monologue (and should take a colon, not a semi-colon) - who's saying that? It can't be the narrator, and it's not the sort of sentence "he" would actually think to himself.
5) It might seem like a minor point, but the reference to a crossword puzzle ("the answer to 17 down") is an opportunity you're passing up. Have him thinking not about the answer, but the clue, which becomes your chance to throw in a bit of foreshadowing, or to help establish a mood of some sort, or maybe a quick laugh, or whatever. Three or four words that you can do anything you want with. Oh; and it would be "than" preceding the phrase, not "then."
Like I said, though: you've got a sense of how to write. That's rare. Rarer, to my experience, than being a good singer, say, or a talented graphic artist. It's still hard, even for talented writers, to complete good stories (there's a reason one speaks of "writer's block," but not "painter's block" or "designer's block"). It takes not only rare talent, but great perseverance and strength of will to write worthwhile material. Good luck.
So far, I'm drawn in.
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Finally, an editor. Thanks zar. I don't have time now, but I will return with more on this comment. First attempt seems forced? Well that's because it was. This bit took some mental backflips. I couldn't keep it all straight.
BTW
Chasing lace = checking out the women
Geetus = Money
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That track has MOXIE!
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And then some, kid.
Betty knocks your socks off with just one hit.
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That's fine piece - I like the manual/assembly instruction style you've adopted. -- Zarpex's comments are quite insightful though I disagree with him on the "he" usage. It introduces an anaphoric element to your discourse which opens a slew of interplays with your reader.
Thanks for so bravely sharing your works with us.
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First Zarpex:
1. I was going for ambiguity. My subway ride is anyone in particular, but for the most part he is me. Trying a name gives that person an identity. I didn't want that.
2. My grammer is awful. The techinal stuff has me confused. I write like I talk. I should bone up.
3. I agree. These are terms for a confidence crew, very basic but the lingo hasn't changed in a hundred years. This is probably why I opted to define the crew and other participants.
4. Mild neurosis, that would be me.
5. I like that idea. I'll have to remember it for next time.
I really appreciate your encouragement's. This has been helpful. I used to write for the Navy Times. I think too much of my fact check style is creeping in. I just don't know how to temper it with interesting reading.
I am not a fiction writer. And it shows.
Michael, you just put a smile on my face. Thank you.
To anyone. I did this within 2 hours maybe 3. I had this information and I want to write around it. I haven't done short story in about 20 years. I can't even tell you what linguistics come into play with the short story. For me it is a one off experiment. Next time I will write from experience and try the short story form again. I am sure you will see the difference.
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love it! and i love the Betty Davis tune - thanks! and keep up the writing!