MOG Therapy: Session 3, Stage 2
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Artist:
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Album:
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Track:I Believe In You / Inhertiance
Anger ...
This stage came and went and it still comes and goes.
It wasn't hard to get over the fact she was doing this when you look back onto our recent years. She was unhappy and I was depressed because she was unhappy and she was unhappy because she thought I got to depressed which made me unhappy and depressed and that int turn got her down which made me feel like something was wrong and I began to feel bad about that ... yada, yada, yada. In the end it was a shit storm bad tidings. A sad, scary carnival ride neither of us could get off. We were destroying ourselves with the downers to our collective self-esteem. She couldn't handle it and I did what I had to. Mostly to keep from going crazy ape shit.
I was good this time. I walked away and I left my 'dinosaur' brain on the table. My last explosive break up was with K. and I wound up losing a Martin guitar in that berserker rage.
The questions in my mind that played over and over is, "Why?" and "What did I do?" Within the last six days those questions have been poked, prodded, sniffed, skewered, dissected, and replayed. I still don't really know the full answer so I gave up exploring them and moved on to the next stage. In fact Tami doesn't even know the answers so I think she gave up trying figure them out long ago. I want to be angry, I want to scream, I want to smash every piece of glass in my house, but I won't, I'll just suffer the consequences, keep my head down and not let any dust settle on me and I'm certainly not going to give her ammunition should the courts become involved.
A really bizarre thing about the anger is how quickly it passed the first time. Not even 12 hours. I think that was because of my excellent support system. Hell, I don't think I had any real time alone for at least 48 hours after the bomb dropped, beyond that I was numb.
In my situation the anger comes and goes triggered by something someone says or hearing my wifes voice or a song on the record player. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason. It shows up briefly and then it just disappears. Pushing this feeling aside is really because of a shift I've taken in my life. I'm striving to uncomplicate myself. Life for Chris has slowed to a crawl. More on this later.
Enjoy the Talk Talk.
I've said this before, of the records Talk Talk put out I feel The Spirit Of Eden is their opus. Hollis hits his stride on Eden, unfortunately it took a heroin habit to do it. Poor guy.
Comments (28)
Amazing how the H-bomb stirs the creative juices. Chin up man, this too shall pass. Unfortunately it passes like a dozen consumed bran muffins, but it passes.
Chris, the combination of the song and your story is almost too much. I know, I'm a guy and shouldn't cry, but having been there guy, I really feel for you right now.I know that hurt.
It will be great to have you back here in your usual form, however long that may take. I hope that you're happy when we see that chris again.
Great song by the way. Reminds me of Steve Hogarth of Marillion.
I saw the guitar it wasn't pretty. I have seen an adult trying to take care of his kids and his life as good as he can. He has a great support group I know I am part of it. I hurt so bad to see them going though it. We only live across the county not at the other end of the earth. I sometimes feel like it though.
Dude I dont know you from a bar of soap but thats a cool thing your doing, reading the words helps eh. All the best to you man, I hope like hell I dont walk that path
You smashed a MARTIN? But guitars age better than women, so WTF? Good luck, Chris.
G, It comes and goes. Some days it doesn't even show up.
I have a feeling this is gonna be one of those days.
John, I was listening to this album earlier in the day. I was weeping. Really this whole record is lush and beautiful and deeply sad if you know the back story. Hollis made and so will I.
Thanks Mom, I busted that Martin up good. No shouting freak out this time. I've learned to keep much of it in check. About living across the county, I feel the same way.
E-man, thanks. I have always strived for honesty and openness here on MOG. I appreciate the kind words.
Mark, I did a 'Townsend' on that bad boy.
No, no - Pete smashed CHEAP guitars.
Now, there's a band I've never listened to Chris. I'm liking the reserved stylings, occasional jazzieness. Sounds like I need more of this. Hah, just struck me that, at times, it's not unlike Steve Winwood (don't hurt me). My Martin's in the basement...keep out. I can't imagine your shoes right now, but keep the words flowing and we'll see it thru, eh?
good luck man, these are hard to read and I wish there was something I could do
Wow Chris, sorry to hear you are going through it. This seems to be a year for going through difficult things since I lost my best friend to cancer in January. But I've learned that even through the midst of darkness you discover plenty of light. Negative circumstances often breed far more positive things that you didn't think were possible. Hang in there, it will get better. . . .
I love Talk Talk's last two cds even though they weren't commercial successes. They are majestic masterpieces as far as I'm concerned. Great pick, especially for what you are going through, it expresses difficult emotions to put in words.
Keeping yourself in check shows mad strength. You are smart to do so, though, with a mind to legality. Your kids will look to you as example, too, and thus far - stellar:)
Keep faith in yourself, I hope these writings are catharsis (and don't forget the sweet release of some lovelymusicks), and remember..."you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you:)"
Yo, dude. Pity we missed each other in NY, but for what it's worth, I'm truly shocked that Talk Talk ever did a good song. I'd never have guessed it from that one radio hit of theirs...
Z, you got to get on board.
Laughing Stock pails to Eden.
I guess it's a taste I will never get over.
NYC was a huge bummer. I was so close but I didn't want to bring a boatload of drama your way. Let's look forward to the next time. Agreed?
Scotty, I'd say your the best but you already know that.
Aug, I read you posts about Talk Talk. Eden is the stand out for me. Laughing Stock has it's moments.
As for those negative circumstances breeding positive ones, buddy you have no idea. More on that tonight maybe.
Wassoni, I really think about being an example. I try and I know somewhere down the road my kids will love me for it.
'Catharsis' is my middle name. Christopher 'Catharsis' Heilman.
Sorry Coop, just be you and I think that's enough. Your good people.
Agreed! And it's a terrible shame, by the way, that you really can't achieve catharsis by smashing any old thing; it's got to be something you'll eat yourself up over having destroyed (so you can eat yourself up over whatever that thing was, rather than being eaten by whatever it was that drove you to such an act in the first place). When Pete Townshend invented guitar smashing (one of the pivotal developments in rock's evolution), it was because he'd damaged the headstock of a beautiful new guitar. He destroyed his guitar to release his anger at having damaged it. And maybe I'm out of touch on the guitar price guide these days, but as I recall, he was always smashing up pretty nice guitars... Voxes or Les Pauls...
Rickenbacker's Z, Rickenbacker's.
Really? I guess it's have to be a semi-hollow, or you couldn't really do much besides dent the stage. But Rickenbackers are good guitars, too...
Dude, semi hollow for that satisfying crunch.
Have you seen this: http://mog.com/blog_post/content/170/200344 . Pretty true to the original yet quite an excellent cover.(can't seem to get the link to work for some reason).
And yes I do have an idea about negative breeding positive circumstances. I went through a separation/divorce and came out of the closet as well in '90. I had to go through sheer hell to be myself and get to a happier place, going from a 'straight' married man to a single gay man was the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life. But boy am I ever glad I went through it. Certainly you're predicament of having children to consider & protect is something I have no idea of though since I have none of my own(thank goddess). But trust me when I say that I seriously relate to the rest of your situation.
a martin?
*pimpgroans*
Hey Mr. Am -- Glad you are still hanging on to the sides of the boat as you get through that choppy sea of anger. I think those stages of grief need to be renamed. As I think back to the disintegration of my 17yr plus relationship, those stages didn't quite fit for me. It was more like:
1) being hit in the face with a frying pan phase
2) The waterworks/digging a deep, dark hole to crawl into.
3) the Bruce Banner vs Incredible Hulk phase (Hulk Smash!) phase.
4) the I know there's this cruddy gum stuck to my shoe, but I've got to get walking phase.
5) the not noticing that you're actually not thinking about this every minute anymore until someone brings it up phase.
6) and finally, the Semi-Normality restored phase.
Ms Ian
THAT was my stages 'xactly
Lady, I like the way you think.Nicely put.
Keith, I think the 'blind drunk' phase may apply to you and me at some point.
Aug. Buddy that takes guts. I am hanging on because I have more than a few good people in my corner.
oh yeah
i TOTALLY FORGOT about that part...
hey IT WORKED!
This song kills me, as does the entire album. Such a heavy, gorgeous transmission of an unnameable emotion, hovering somewhere between broken and hope. I hope things are better for you! :)