Dear Ben,

Before Death Cab, before Postal Service, before the 743 other bands to which you claim membership, there was Pinwheel. The great Pinwheel. The legendary Pinwheel.

What do you mean you never heard of 'em? You founded Pinwheel with Justin Kennedy. Remember him?

No? Okay, doesn't matter. Point is, Kennedy has returned with a new band, Army Navy.

So what?

Well, for a start, he's slagging you off, mate! Says your songs (I quote) "pretty much sound like Pinwheel songs to me". Yeah, I know he's kind of slagging himself off, too. But trust me, I remember Pinwheel, and this can only be meant as a grievous insult.

Got anything to say in return?

No?

<Sigh>. Didn't think, so. You haven't so much as sneezed in the direction of your MOG page in over a year. I know because I check it every day. What, are you busy with a band or something? (Joke!)

Fine. In your absence, my good lady wife and I will mount a defence in the form of a review. I hope you don't mind. It's just, I hate to see the good name of Gibbard being dragged through the mud.

I mean, "pretty much sound like Pinwheel songs to me". It makes my blood boil!

Your scariest fan,
Fluxy

PS. Ben, the vid is best viewed in Firefox and can also be seen at our Home Taping channel. If you're working part-time in a call centre (hey, there's no shame) and can't access the vid, there's a transcript below. Now, that's devotion, Ben.

The Vid:

Our review of Army Navy from CJ Scuffins on Vimeo.

The Transcript:

(Title Card - Army Navy by Army Navy; A song plays, "Dark as Days")
Jill and Colin, in front of webcam, shuffle along to the song.

J: Can I just say something? At the beginning of it, it goes, 'La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…'
C: That's Entertainment.
J: Yeah, That's Entertainment. Just play it back there.
(They listen to the intro of Dark as Days.)
(Colin stares in disbelief)
J: Am I right or am I right?!
C: Well, that's it, then. It's finished. I'm not reviewing this album. It's a rip-off. (He goes to leave.)

C: That's a very good song.
J: That is a very good song. It's an excellent song. It's like Teenage Fanclub-cum-The Jam-cum-
C: Stop saying cum.

C: Army Navy are a band from Los Angeles.
J: Yes.
C: The lead singer used to be in a band with Ben Gibbard.
J: Who's Ben Gibbard?
C: He's in a band called, Death Cab for Cutie. Who are a band.
J: I heard of them.
C: The lead singer was a dresser of the stars.
J: (whistles, impressed)
C: He dressed Morrissey.
J: (Pulls a face) Aw.

C: Remember we saw him in Spain? He changed his outfit about 14 times. He sweats like a fucking pig.
J: I don't like that, "sweats like a fucking pig."
C: He sweats like a fucking Welshman.

C: The drummer, he gave up, because he became a screenwriter. A million dollar-selling screenwriter.
J: (Enviously) Ah, for fuck's sake.
C: He's writing the remake of Dune.
J: They'd make you sick, wouldn't they? Make you sick.
C: Morrissey would make you sick.

Cut to a photograph of a Morrissey on stage in Spain, his shirt soaked through with sweat. The photo remains on screen throughout the following.

C: When he met Morrissey, this guy [the lead singer of Army Navy]… this is his Morrissey anecdote…Morrissey said to him, "What's the story with your retro jeans?" And he said, "They're just skinny jeans."And Morrissey came back with, "Ooooh."
J: He's not very smart if that's all he can say. "Ooooh."

Cut to three title cards flashing up on the screen in quick succession…
"This is a photographic interlude, btw."
"Or a "pholude", as we call it in the biz."
"Ok, back to Morrissey sweating like a Welshman."

Cut to photo of Morrissey sweating on stage.

C: No, I'll say it again. That's not the story, at all. (They both laugh.) Morrissey said, "Oh, okay, Eighties Legs." And yer man [the lead-singer] said, I think he wanted to have me.
J: He fancied him?
C: Yeah. Morrissey fancied him.
J: Is he a young fella?
C: Let's have a look at him, see how good-looking he is.

Cut to a photo of Army Navy, in which the lead-singer sits back with his legs sticking out.

C: Is he good-looking?
J: Yeah, there's something interesting about him.
C: Yeah, there is, if you like a young John Cleese.

Cut to a photo of John Cleese with his leg sticking out in the Python sketch, The Ministry of Silly Walks.

Cut to C and J in front of the webcam.

C: As far as I can tell, he fell out with Ben Gibbard, because if you look on Ben Gibbard's page, the band they were in isn't even mentioned on Wikipedia. That's how obscure--
J: Ben Gibbard. Is that a name?
C: (Nods) It's a name. Definitely a name… This is how obscure this band is, it's not even named on Ben Gibbard's Wikipedia page.
J: What, Army Navy is an obscure band?
C: Well, no, the band beforehand, that the two of them were in together.
J: Death Cab for Cutie?
C: (Points to sofa) Do you want to go over there and lie down for while? And I'll continue this?...The name of the band they were in was Pinwheel.
J: That's a shit name. No wonder they're not even being mentioned.

C: They've got a song on the…what's the name of that film again?...
J: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.
C: With Michael Cera or Kera, or whatever his name is. The guy from Arrested Development...The song they have on that soundtrack isn't on their own album.
J: That's stupid.
C: That's a major marketing fuck-up.
J: It is.
C: Their marketing department, yer man's sister-in-law up in the spare room, has made a major mistake.
J: I wouldn't be paying her.
C: I think they should fire the sister-in-law.
J: Yeah.
C: Get in the nephew, or something… When Ben Gibbard hears about this one…
J: He'll laugh.
C: He's gonna laugh.
J: (stage laugh) Wo-haw-haw-haw!
C: There's a big rivalry there, between Ben and his former Pinwheel—It's like one of those great rock rivalries… What are the great rock rivalries?
J: Rolling Stones and the Beatles.
C: Oasis and Blur.
J: Yeah.
C: This is Pinwheel and Death Cab For Cutie. This is a big one, okay?
J: I never heard of Pinwheel before.
C: Neither did Ben Gibbard. He's like (taps head in confusion) "I was in a band…?"
J: [Army Navy frontman] Justin Kennedy is making all these bitchy comments in the press about Ben Gibbard, and Ben Gibbard doesn't know who the fuck he is.

(Title card - The Beatles (your mum, the Goths, and Gordon Gekko) connection)

Cut to a photo of The Beatles, which remains on screen through the following.

C: One of the things [Kennedy] said in his interview there on emusic, is that he doesn't listen to the Beatles anymore, in case he gets influenced by them. In case he starts writing—
J: Songs like The Beatles'?

Cut to a photo of a Beatles tribute band, which remains on screen through the following.

C: This guy wants to stop himself just in case he writes the next Eleanor Rigby.

J: The whole album is a really nice, listenable album. It's like, you know when your Ma used to say to you, "Will ya turn that music down upstairs!"

Cut to photo of mother admonishing child.

J: And you'd have it blaring. But then you'd put on something like this and she'd go, "Oh, that's lovely."

Cut to sepia-toned photo of wartime female singer.

C: Oh! That would be a fucking terrible thing to happen!
J: "That's lovely!"
C: God.
J: "That's a lovely song!"
C: Fifteen year-old kids, if you're out there, don't listen to this music.
J: "I can hear what he's saying!"
C: Aww!
J: "I can hear the words that he's saying!" The band would be ripped off the bedroom wall.
C: If you've got a teenage kid, right?

Cut to a photo of two Goths, which remains on screen through the following.

C: …and they're listening to some horrible, shit music, and they're driving you mental with their posters and their Goth gear, and all that, just walk in and go, "Oh, that sounds good."
J: Yeah.
C: And start nodding along to it, "That's got a good beat." (Clicks fingers.) And the posters would be ripped down…
J: Off the wall.
C: A shirt and tie would be on, and they'll be working in Wall St within five years. (Cut to a photo of Gordon Gekko)

Cut to J and C at webcam.

C: Just to sum up, [Kennedy] knows he's got a nasally voice. He says that he knows he's not Celine Dion. Thank fuck.

(Title card - Expert advice for the band)
C: So, where do you think Army Navy will be in a year's time? Working in an Army Navy store?...I like them, I think they're very good. I've no advice for them because I know nothing about those kind of things. Maybe sack the sister-in-law who's doing the marketing.
J: (nods) Mmm.
C: If you have a hit song on a soundtrack, put it on your album.
J: Yeah.
C: That's all I know…Don't say, "We're not going to play the hit song, screw that, we'll make it on our own." You're not going to make it on your own. You're going to make it off the back of the bloke from Arrested Development. That's how you're gonna do it.
J: That's if the film does well.
C: Maybe the film is rubbish, they've seen the film and went, "Christ, we're not putting that song [on our album]." They don't want to be associated with that.
J: So…
C: So maybe they're just smart. Maybe that sister-in-law…
J: …is clever.
C: Re-hire her.
J: Yeah. Get her back.
C: She's good.

C: And hold on to the drummer. If you see him picking up a pen in the rehearsal room…
J: Slap it out of his hand.
C: Slap it out of his hand. You need a drummer….And if you see Morrissey creeping around.
J: (Retching noise)
(Cut to photo of Morrissey sweating on stage.)
C: …Shouting, "Eighties Legs!" in the front row of a concert, pack up and go home. Nothin' good can come o' that night.
J: I think that they're a nice band to listen to if you're on a long journey.
C: Do you think so?
J: I do think so. I do. I think if I was driving down to County Kerry, I'd put them on in the car, and I'd listen to them. Easy Listening. That's what I say. I'd put them in the Easy Listening section. I'd even let my Ma listen to them.
C: God.
J: She probably wouldn't like them, though.
C: I dread getting as old as you.

(Title Card - Final Song; Song plays, "Right Back Where We Started From")

C: If we'd to do a cover version, what would it be?

Cut to J and C performing a snippet of Just The Two Of Us in a cheesy fashion.

J: That would be good….(laughs)… That would be shit.

...

Army Navy's fine self-titled debut album is out now!

http://www.myspace.com/armynavy