Criminal Records: A Mogger Special
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Artist:
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Album:No. 10 Upping Street
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Track:
Ahoy there, Mogmates!
We love our friends here at MOG! All four of 'em! So it's a crying shame we're going to lose them all after this post!
"WTF, dude?!", I hear you cry.
Well, in our Criminal Records series, The Missus and I discuss songs that feature crime, and this week's choices came courtesy of fellow Moggers, Scotfree, madrid spacestation spain, Anna, and contrabandwidth.
Did we thank them for their choices? Nope, we made fun of their choices. And not just their song choices, but their life choices, their political choices, their pseudonom choices, and, in one case, their choice to move to England to stalk Alex Turner.
Will they ever forgive us? Will they fuck!
Enjoy the vid!
Fluxy
PS. The vid is best viewed in Firefox and can also be seen at our Home Taping channel. For people who can't access the vid, there's a transcript below. Also, you can check out videos of the song selections beneath our review. Now, that's service.
The Vid:
Criminal Records #6: A Mogger Special from CJ Scuffins on Vimeo.
Song vids:
Les Savy Fav - Adopduction: (YouTube link)
Afghan Whigs - Going To Town:
Tom Waits - Road To Peace:
The Transcript:
(Title card: Big Audio Dynamite - Dial A Hitman, suggested by Scotfree)
Colin and Jill sit at webcam shuffling to the song, which references the Twilight Zone.
J: What's the music to the Twilight Zone? Do you know it?
C: Do-Do-Do-Do, Do-Do-Do-Do!
J: (excitably) Oh, I love that! That was great, that was! Used to frighten the shite out of you.
C: (In an attempt to scare) Do-Do-Do-Do, Do-Do-Do-Do!
J: I'd love to dial a hitman and then in the end go, "Ah, I'm only joking!"
C: But they'd be dead. You'd be saying it to the grieving family.
C: This was recommended by mogger, Scotfree.
J: Scot free? He got away. He's the dial up guy. He gets away scot free.
C: (sceptical look)
C: I'd like to dial a hitman on the guy that said to you, "How cliché." I proposed to you up the top of Rockefeller Center, with the Empire State building in front of us, and he goes, "How cliché." (Laughs.) Like, everybody's done that. You know what I'd do? I would hire a killer and then say, whisper in his ear as you kill him, "How cliché." (Laughs) To be killed by a hitman. (Both laugh.) If you're watching, mate. It was me.
(Title Card: Les Savy Fav - Adopduction, Suggested by madrid spacestation spain)
J moshes to the song.
J: That's a great song.
C: That's a very funny song.
J: That's very funny. I love it.
C: What special treats would I ask for if I was living with kidnappers?
J: You'd say to 'em, "Can I have my books?" and "Can I have a few cushions there?"
C: (perplexed) Cushions?!
C: I think if the kidnappers kidnapped you—
J: Oh, they'd be fucked.
C: You'd just be giving out to them about [being] untidy. "This is a very untidy warehouse."
J: Yes.
C: "Do something about this warehouse."
J: Yeah. "Have you any bin liners?"
C: "Are you going to clean this rope? Are you going to wash this rope?"
J: Yeah.
C: "Because I've had this rope on for two days. It's dirty."
J: "Aw! Ugh!".
C: "I can't wear something for two days, so take this rope off me. . . And this gag is minging!"
J: (nods) "Get rid of it."
C: "Replace it. And it doesn't work, because I'm able to speak through it."
C: This song is [suggested] by Mogger, madrid spacestation spain, who is not from Madrid, at all. So he's a bit of a criminal himself, misrepresenting himself.
C: We've had a song there about hitmen, where the band laugh it up. We've had a song here about kidnapping, where the band laugh it up. It seems that in America they don't take crime very seriously.
J: No. Here you'd be slapped on the hand and told never to do it again.
C: "Or we'll tell your mother."
C: You just seem to treat crime very lightly over there [in America]. Like it's all a big laugh!
J: Laugh! And a joke!
C: Well, you know what? That laughing will turn to crying.
J: Crying! And then somebody will lose an eye.
C: Somebody will lose an eye.
J: Like that girl with the patch [in the video].
C: Yeah.
(Title Card: Afghan Whigs - Going To Town, suggested by Anna)
C & J shuffle on their seats in time to the music.
C: This song is recommended by Anna. Anna is a Greek lady who is gone to stalk Alex Turner in Sheffield now.
J: Has she?!
C: But what she doesn't realize is that Alex Turner lives in Monte Carlo now.
J: Does he?!
C: Yep. By way of Las Vegas.
J: I would have went with her.
C: This is kind of like a Natural Born Killers scenario, with a couple going to raise some hell downtown. So there's arson involved, there's matches, and gasoline, burning it up--
J: It's premeditated.
C: Oh yeah, they'll definitely go down for it.
C: I just wouldn't trust the guy. Like, you're going to commit a crime, okay? We're going out to commit a crime.
J: Lovely.
C: We're going down the road, and we're going to burn down a building.
J: The Spar shop!
C: The Spar shop. Right. It overcharges. Okay? It's not good.
J: And their fruit and veg is not very fresh.
C: Fruit and veg is horrible. Deserves to be burnt to the ground. Okay? And I say to you, "Jill, put on your best clothes. Put on that party dress you bought the other day. Put on your best shoes. I want everyone to stop and stare."
J: (wolf-whistles)
C: You're going to commit a crime. Think of this. And I'm telling you to dress up.
J: Everybody would fucking know us!
C: Is that bad?
J:'Cos everybody would be looking at'cha!
C: Is that poor planning?
J: Very bad!
C: They've nicked the bassline from Superstition. So, Stevie Wonder, if you're watching...if you're listening— They robbed him blind.
(Title Card: Tom Waits - Road To Peace, Suggested by contrabandwidth)
C: The next one is recommended by Tyler, contrabandwidth. I just have to check the lyrics to see that there is a crime, and he's not trying to sneak in some liberal political propaganda.
J: Which campaign is he up for?
C: Oh, from what I can gather on Mog, contrabandwidth is a major Republican. He's a big fan of Bush. Huge fan of Bush. And he loves, absolutely loves the Palin and McCain ticket. In fact, secretly he would like Bush to stay in for another four years.
J: Really?
C: Absolutely hates the Democrats.
J: He's probably related to him.
C: This is a song about Bush, but I don't know if Tom has done his homework on this song at all. He's saying that Bush plays chess at his desk. How could Bush play chess? Checkers maybe? Knoughts and crosses, or tick-tac-toe, but ... chess?!
J: I didn't want to review politics tonight.
C: Didja not?
J: No.
C: What night do you want to do it? Are you free next Tuesday?
J: Yeah.
C: The crime here is that the President wants to be seen as a hero, so he starts a war just to get re-elected, okay? Something that Thatcher did, all the great leaders—
J: Great?!
C: All the brilliant leaders do it. It's a big crime. Are we capable—do we have the intellectual gravitas—
J: No—
C: --to deal with this crime? Can we say what has not been said before... anywhere?
J: I don't think it's in my contract.
C: It's not in your contract?
J: (nods)
C: What's in your contract? Swearing?
J: Yes.
C: Drinking?
J: (nods)
C: Shouting, interrupting me—
J: Yeah.
C: This is Mog, everyone's liberal except deadmandeadman.
C: Okay, let's see if we agree or disagree with this statement. (Reads song lyrics) "Maybe God himself is lost and needs help/Maybe God himself needs all of our help." True or false?!
J: (Negative answer buzzer) Eeeeh-eeeeh.
C: I thought Liam Gallagher was literal. This is fucking literal. This is a literal song.
J: That's a lazy song.
C: It's like he's reading the New York Times editorial and setting it to fucking old time ragtime fucking music.
C: It's a major crime, but God, you've got to entertain us.
J: It's a major crime to be made listen to it.
C: You can't just read out the New York Times and expect us to dance along to it!
J: Some articles, probably.
C: [Laughs] Some articles!
C: Tyler, contrabandwidth, a great friend of our—
J: Contrabandwidth?
C: A great friend of our page (stage wink)
J: (stage wink) He is!
C: Before you swear and call him a bollocks.
J: He's the little red devil
C: The little red devil.
J: Yeah.
C: So having said that, it's a fantastic song! (stage wink, nudge)
J: (stage wink) It's a great song!
C: With a great message. (Gravely) And a terrible, terrible crime!
J: (Gravely) To humanity!
(They look at one another and nod gravely.)
(Title Card: Coming Soon on Criminal Records (maybe))
J: I don't know what you're talking about.
C: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
J: I don't know what you're talking about.
C: I said, we could do this on a "Criminal Records", Paper Planes, which is about international drug dealing.
[Pause.]
J: I'm still not getting you.
C: What are we doing here? What's this feature called which we're doing on Mog...right now... in this world?
J: Criminal Records.
C: Yeah. I'm saying, we could do Paper Planes on Criminal Records.
J: The song Paper Planes?
C: Yeah- what did you think--?
J: I didn't know that was a song. I thought it was just--
C: You were in a shop today, banging, shooting—! We were in a clothes shop and you were doing this to me (finger gun) when it was on!
J: Wait now. (Sings Paper Planes) "All I wanna do is (gun shot noise), and a hit [cash register noise]" That one?
C: Yes!
J: Oh, I didn't know that was called Paper Planes. I thought that was called Shoot It Up, or something like that.
...
Comments (26)
If humor is a crime then this is a felony..and I think you may have identified a new syndrome, as well,one where kidnappers become so over burdened with the demands of their captors, they let them go..kind of a reverse stockhausen (or whatever the hell it is when captives fall in love with their captors)..
I'm not feeling so well, I think I'm gonna faint by laughter.
Jill's facial expression when you uttered that terrible Turner lie about me is PRICELESS.
Should I block you? Or should I promise to love you two long time? Second one is worse, so I'll go for that one ;)
Outstanding work, guys.
@ Cody - Is that Stockholm Syndrome, maybe? Stockhausen syndrome is when you serenade your kidnappers with avant garde electronic music.
@ Anna - Oh, love us long time, please. Just don't charge us for it, like the originator of the phase. Thanks for being such a good sport, sport. ;)
yup. i knew you'd know..
priceless! hahaha, i commend you for your argument calling us Americans out about our inherent non-appreciation for actions criminal. I would hazard, it is a dysfunctional coping mechanism. I like to laugh inappropriately at grave situations to take the power away. I take it back through the magic of laughter. Also, great line validating the destruction of the Spar shop for overcharging and MOG being liberal almost across the board. Bravo you two, though I am upset that you hung me out to dry for lying about my whereabouts. Some people might still believe I am Spanish! Serves me right, these pseudonyms are serious business, this is not, after all, myspace…
Mr Spain - Muchas gracias for your suggestion, the song and video were great. So you're saying Americans laugh to stop themselves crying? I guess that's why you go to John Stewart for your news. No bad thing! Adios, amigo!
Thanks for the transcript, without that I never would have known what Bono and Twiggy up there where getting on about.
I mean...yeah...thats exactly it.
A falta de pan,las tortas son buenas!
which literally means "For lack of bread, the cakes are good"
I've been zinged and I love it!
"C: This is Mog, everyone's liberal except deadmandeadman."
I nearly fell outta my chair with that one. I never thought about it being a crime against Tom's usual song writing standards in the extended topical narative. I was looking for the nuance of the crimes comitted on all levels - kind of a middle east "Rashomon". But thanks for the needed dose of sarcasm, deflating my own self righteousness, and blowing smoke up my ass.
Man, I may be biased, but this is my favorite yet!
@ Dachmo - You're right, Jill does look like Bono.
@ MSS - Ahh, you Spanish peasants and your quaint turns of phrase...
@ Tyler - GoodmanGoodman! Thanks for your song choice, it certainly had some meat to it and (mentally) challenged us. "Blowing smoke up my ass"? You mean you spotted our winking to one another? Damn, they were meant to be covert!
I felt like the person bringing up religion at a coctail party (well, an American one at least, you guys seem to take the piss out of everything!). I've never seen The Mrs. Girlfriend so speechless - way to bring the party down CBW!
In moments when I think I am clever and witty at a party, I will think of this image, and shut up and return to getting properly drunk.
damn! .... i'm crying ...
...well maybe that's because I just coughed like a cat with hairball ... but still.
Great work! Why I love this place.
Genius. Pure unbridled genius.
Colin, i've never cried this much at anyone's funeral. a bathtub of tears. my room is flooded. Oprah ought to hire you.
C: This is Mog, everyone's liberal except deadmandeadman.
C: "Because I've had this rope on for two days. It's dirty."
C: But what she doesn't realize is that Alex Turner lives in Monte Carlo now.
J: Does he?!
C: Yep. By way of Las Vegas.
hahahaha! I love all of your videos!!
@ Tyler - In all fairness, that should read "In moments when TOM WAITS thinks TOM WAITS is clever and witty at a party, TOM WAITS should think of this image, and shut up and return to getting properly drunk."
@ Nick - Coughing with a cat like a hairball. Now, that's funny!
@ DC - Cheque's in the post, mate.
@ Ilay - Oprah would be our natural home, yes. Or perhaps Doctor Phil could help us. And that's true about Turner! Anna faked that pic!
@ GP - Thanx v much, I'm glad somebody is actually laughing, instead of bawling crying. ;)
great stuff as usual.
i'm still holding out for shoot you down by the stone roses.
You'll get yours one of these days, old son, don't you worry. BWAHAHAHA
i'm afraid and excited all at the same time.
well, well there ya go. at first, i felt a wee BAD about bringing back the sour Rockafellr Center memory, but you deftly twisted it into points for you...nice nice.
and your observation of our lame duck's gaming skills is over the top, I may have to go see "W" as laugh penance...
I love that little red devil tooo....even if he is a staunch republican....
This was excellent to watch fluxi & musses...
I bet those two on the film are your dead ringers and you were actually out doing a heist or something.
@ Scot - Tick-tac-toe too ambious for Dubya, eh? *chuckles, then remember who's the leader of the free world...and bursts into tears*
@ Annie - Thanks Annie - hey it takes all sorts, right?!
@ Darla - Sssssshhhh!