Home Taping: Madonna - Hard Candy
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Artist:
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Album:
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Track:She's Not Me [6:03]
The GF: You're a dirtbird!
Me: That's what she's saying. Not in so many words, but that's what she's saying. Also, Hard Candy is a cock.
The GF: I knew that. The Beat Goes On is good. It's catchy.
Me: That one means, "I can go all night if needs be." This woman is writing about sex. She's going out on the prowl again.
The GF: Her marriage is over.
Me: Well, put it this way, when Guy [Ritchie] sticks on this album, he'll have a few questions to ask.
The GF: Is Give it 2 Me another sex song?
Me: No. She's getting on a bit. It's about her medication. "Give me my medication, Guy. I'm having palpatations. Give it to me!"
The GF: What about this, "On any given night you'll find me on the floor" [from The Beat Goes On] Do you think that's about falling out of bed and breaking her hip?
Me: Most likely. But still, almost every song she brings out goes to number one.
The GF: The only reason is because she sticks her tongue down her dancer's throats and most newspapers are edited by closet perverts.
Me: Fair enough. If you saw her doing that in a strip club, you'd go, "Who's the granny?"
The Gf: (Suddenly) Stop the tape! I have a twitchy eyebrow! From listening to Madonna!
[Tape stopped. When the twitch subsides...]
The GF: [She's Not Me] is a really good song. It's a new "Walk out the door, you're not welcome any more". I Will Survive.
Me: Yeah. What I don't understand about women not liking Madonna is that there's hardly any female moguls in the music industry, and when this one comes along and lasts longer than anyone else in pop music, she gets slated. For having man arms! Man hands! And all this bullshit! And considering her lifestyle-
The GF: No, no-
Me: I must finish! She's not as wacky as some of the lunatic celebs out there. She's into the Kabbalah, but it's not as bad as Scientology. You're less likely to die penniless as a result of it.
The GF: Sometimes with an artist, no matter how much you like them, if they're around long enough, they're going to produce some rubbish.
Me: That's a positive outlook. But where are her contemporaries from back in the 80s? Where are they now? Debbie Gibson? Michael Jackson? Prince?
The GF: Debbie Gibson works in McDonalds. Michael Jackson fiddles with nippers. Prince is still around.
Me: His Dublin gig has just been cancelled. Guess how many tickets it sold?
The GF: I dunno.
Me: Three. He was very disappointed.
The GF: Okay, Madonna's still trying to innovate. She's a brilliant performer and all that. But sometimes, with some of her tracks, I go, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
Me: You say the same to me after a night out. Right, here's another song. [Heartbeat]
The GF: Very generic pop song. Like Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears. Don't like it.
Me: You don't like pop music, period.
The GF: I do.
Me: There's no shame in it. You're not a pop fan. You're into indie bands. You're too cool for school. If they don't wear skinny jeans, you don't like them.
The GF: (laughs) No.
Me: You're revealing yourself tonight, love!
The GF: At least you'll know the person you're marrying.
Me: I don't know if I'm marrying you after this!
The GF: There's a few questions I need to ask you, too!
Me: This is beautifully sung [Devil Wouldn't Recognise You].
The GF: (Shrugs) I'll wait for the remix.
Me: Give Madonna some credit. How hard is it to write a good pop song? It has to appeal to everyone, not just the skinny jeans market. That's an easy market. You just wear skinny jeans. Madonna goes for the "everyone" market. "Everyone" is a harder demographic to nail down.
The GF: Well...she's not as good as The Strokes.
Me: The Strokes are a rock band. I'm talking pop.
The GF: You're talking poppycock.
Me: There's a simple idea in this song [Spanish Lessons]. She's explaining Spanish love phrases. I've never seen it done before in a pop song. Big L did in a rap song, called Ebonics. Explaining street slang. "Cars is whips and sneakers is kicks". So on and so forth. This song is an update of it. Just showing my astounding musical knowledge here. Anything to add?
The GF: Oh, shut the fuck up.
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Comments (21)
Another exquisite home taping :)
Madonna is not pop! She's superficial pop, a kind of pop that should have eaten & digested itself already. Not to mention that she's trying so hard that I get tired on her behalf. Dunno where her contemporaries are, but she should go and look for them, the sooner the better.
When I visit Dublin again, can I hang out with the GF? Please? :)
Yes, she'll take you to the skinny jeans shops, bars, and clubs. The places I'm banned from for handing out literature about how to prevent a low sperm count. Btw, any idea what Madonna is wearing in that album cover - a boxer's belt and some kind of rope? I'd be frightened if I was confronted with that in the bedroom. I hope Guy wears protection, flak jacket, football helmet, that kind of thing.
He knew what he married into ;)
The GF is brilliant as always. You, on the other hand, could do better. :p
Seriously, this a cracking review of Madge's crotch. Speaking of which, here's someone who works in her candy shop!
(A question: would you say that Madonna is a yummy granny?)
Heh, that's some thread. Closest any of those guys have been to a woman's crotch.
(Weeeell...I'd say Guy does.)
Great as always.
You just wait til this thing with Ritchie fizzles, I predict her next album is gonna be named Cougar, and she's gonna re-invent the whole Desperate House wives style Older Woman, younger man scenario. Perhaps have a very young androginous (perhaps the male equivalent of a Lindsey Lohan) half naked boy/man with a collar and leash on.
Smell The Glove indeed!
For a minute there I thought you were talking about MY Richie. That will never fizzle! But yes, I look forward to Cougar, and its lead single, GILF (Granny I'd Like To...).
And TWOILA (Third World Orphan I'd Like To Adopt).
Perfect Piece. 5 stars.
That cover is rediculous. I think she is actually playing up the granny angle.
Isn't she due for an album of Jazz standards? Then as a bonus piece, quality electronica remix mavens will tart up the tracks for the dancefloors and lounges in a Verve Remixed kinda way.
You only get the remix album if you buy a ticket to her show or maybe a a subscription gift for joining the site of some synergisticly linked company (Depends).
CBW - Heh, heh!
Cody - Ta!
I think she is actually playing up the granny angle.
Right, that's her knitting she's holding on the album cover. ;)
a subscription gift for joining the site of some synergisticly linked company
Another excellent review. You two are great at this!
Flux: one of the only men I love.
OH YEAH! When are you going to let me show you around the Bay? Soon ,right?
Oh gawd Flux, great discussion on Granny Vadge. She's really starting to creep me out a little. Not that older women can't be sexual, but I guess it's the way she's expressing that sexualness. But, hell, if I was in my 50s and looked like that (thanks to personal trainers, plastic surgery, money), why not be teasing the youngin's, too.
I think ContraBW is right on about her next albums. And, even though Cody B is spot on about the Jazz Standards thing, I hope she doesn't. It'll be Evita all over again. :-o
Michael, very generous of you to call that bunch of shouting and swearing a review. But I'll take it!
Adam, you're going to get the shock of your life when the GF and myself turn up on your doorstep! In fact, we're were visiting NYC this year and the West Coast next, all things being equal. Get the sleeping bags ready.
LMI, Ha! "Vadge"! Ah yeah, in fairness, the old dear does look well for her age. But is she really going to start acting her age on record with those jazz standards? She'll spoil that carefully crafted image of eternal youth that she's captivated us all with...
Me: I don’t know if I’m marrying you after this!
The GF: There’s a few questions I need to ask you, too!
also: Granny Vadge
honestly, i have nothing to say against Madonna except the fear factor brought on by the geriatric pin-up angle. otherwise she's amusing, a toughie, and works hard. i wonder, does Kylie Minogue still pose "sexy" these days, too?
Debbie Gibson in MacDonald's. wow.
Madge is completely creeping me out with this new "look" - It's Terminator Madonna. Wonderful and accurate review! One things sure - she looks pretty strange without the makeup, lighting and Photoshop.
Ilay - "i have nothing to say against Madonna except the fear factor brought on by the geriatric pin-up angle." She's inducing the fear in many a music fan, that's for certain.
" i wonder, does Kylie Minogue still pose "sexy" these days, too?" Here's hoping.
Btw, Debbie Gibson in McDonalds? That's just the GF being cruel.
Jonh - "One things sure - she looks pretty strange without the makeup, lighting and Photoshop." How do you know, eh? Is there something you'd like to tell us? ;)
Let's just say that as a music video director once said, "I bet she doesn't look as good under the flourescents".
this one had me rolling, you Dirtbird. lol
@ Jonh - Fair enough, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. ;)
@ Mike - Great to hear it, and a new Dublin slang word for your vocab!