John Lennon said the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. So what does that make Westlife? In Ireland they outsell the Beatles in albums, singles, and that most important market, ringtones. Put that in your hash pipe and smoke it, Lennon, you big sacrilegious hippy.If anybody out there is unlucky enough to have never heard Westlife, then rush out immediately and buy one of their CDs. It doesn’t matter which one, they’re all the same. That’s the beauty of this music!Sadly Westlife’s latest single only made it to number 2 (a phrase that filthy-minded reviewers also ascribed to its content). Ringtone sales took a nosedive as a result. Suffice to say, the greatest boyband in the history of the art form are on the wane. So, who will be the next Irish pop sensation? The monkeys-with-typewriters brigade (or Irish music bloggers) are championing their namesakes Fight Like Apes. They cite the band's sold-out shows, music mag singles of the week, and playlistings on trendy UK radio stations. That’s just _super_. But the fact remains: Fight Like Apes are unsigned. (Not like Westlife, who were snapped up on sight by the great evil genius Simon Cowell.)Why no record deal? Fight Like Apes have failed to follow the Westlife template: shop dummy looks, cover versions, and other people picking your clothes out.Instead, they're “individualistic”, "avant-garde”, and worse, “write their own songs”. What's more, their singer is a girl! And not a nice smiley happy little girl like one of The Corrs (for instance, Jim.) No, this one looks like she'd tear the head off you! And that's even before you hear the lyrics: “I want to cut you with glass, you haven’t got such a pretty ass now” (_Lend Me Your Face_) or "You're like Kentucky Fried Chicken but without the taste...a fucking disappointment to the human race" (_Jake Summers_). Whatever way you dice it, they're veering dangerously away from love song territory. What happens if they carry on like this? In Biblical terms (the _best_ terms for judging a band's worth, IMHO), Fight Like Apes will be no bigger than Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, whose tearful confessions and anguish of soul led him to locked up in an Egyptian prison, with the only key swallowed by the jailer.In other words, forgotten. And certainly no Number 1 ringtones. They have been warned.
"Like Kentucky Fried Chicken but without the taste"....Fight Like Apes's Jake Summers EP is available for download on "Amazon":http://www.amazon.com/Lend-Me-Your-Face/dp/B000S3EQV8/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1195823612&sr=1-1, "emusic":http://www.emusic.com/album/Fight-Like-Apes-Jake-Summers-EP-MP3-Download/11027939.html, and iTunes.Hear more at "Fight Like Apes' Myspace.":http://www.myspace.com/fightlikeapesmusic Fight Like Apes tour the UK in December.
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