MOG

Attention! I'd just like to publicly thank the White Stripes for finally making a record I can listen to.

Thank you, Jack. Thank you, Meg.

And thank you, God.

Because, I've always had a secret desire to love the White Stripes, but until now, it just wasn't there for me. I'd seen his talent first hand, Jack White is obviously a fantastic guitarist and a great lyricist, but, there was just something about listening to the White Stripes that made me want to tear my ears off and run around screaming, just to drown it out.

Obviously, it was Meg White's drumming abilities. Or...shall I say, her lack of drumming abilities. The horrible, horrible cacophony that always sounded more like someone banging on hanging pots and pans, rather than a professional musician on a recorded album. I could never, ever get over it. Or get past it. Her thoughtless banging would always bore straight to my brain and immediately set it aflame with rage. I'd listen to three or four songs then scramble for the mute button, cursing her bumbling hands and feet, and cursing Jack for keeping her around all these years.

Because, God knows she's not the brains behind the whole operation. It's been clear of that since the beginning. And I think everyone, (And I mean, everyone else in the world) finally fucking realized it when Jack went off and fulfilled his middle-of-the-road rock and roll fantasies with The Raconteurs.

They were all like, "Wow. This kid really does have talent when he's not fronting that weird candy cane band."

I like to think that his departure from the White Stripes and the subsequent tour-of-duty with the Raconteurs was the most influential aspect that made Icky Thump so tolerable. I think the Raconteurs was the best thing that ever happened to Jack White.

Icky Thump is great because I can hear Jack White's personality on it. Finally. I've always wanted to know what he's like. And now I do. (Tell you what, he's a great guy. I like him a lot. We'd probably be friends in real life. Hey Jack, wanna get lunch? No, I don't care, I'll go wherever you wanna go. Indian? Yea. Sure. Sounds fine. 2:30 it is. See you there.) Finally, they toned down Meg's drums and managed to almost completely drown her out behind Jack's wall of distortion and lusciously layered guitars. Which is exactly what I've been praying for. I prayed for it on Get Behind Me Satan but I was let down as the continued minimalism shattered my hopes and dreams. And Meg's drums shattered my ear drums upon each listen. I couldn't even watch the videos for "Blue Orchid" or "The Hardest Button to Button" without putting the television on mute. I had to enjoy the cinematic quality of the videos without the intended soundtrack, and I'll tell you what, that's not near as fun as it sounds (I hummed circus music to pass the time.)

And I think, that Meg's improved a little. Not much, but a little. It's hard to play an instrument and NOT improve at least a smidgen every year or so. So, she is getting better. Maybe by the next album she'll be burning the stage up with a 35 piece kit--tearing the house down with drum solos that'll give Neil Peart nightmares. Maybe.

Anyway, to sum it up, Icky Thump is amazing. But, I'm sure you all knew that by now. It's eclectic, and cleverly channels the White Stripes aura, dancing back and forth between a handful of genres, painting the patented "White Stripes" moniker on every single one. 50 years from now people are going to be looking back on our musical generation, examining the decades like rings on the trunk of a tree. What will they see? Well, on a small part they'll probably spy a hastily carved heart and arrow, with the note, "Jack was here." Splattered here and there with dots of red and white paint. They'll probably see about twenty years of candy-striped X's and O's and wonder..."Maybe they had Christmas every day" And once they pick up Icky Thump out of some dusty record (CD? Online digital music retailer?) shop, they'll say, "Yes. With the White Stripes, they really did have Christmas every day."

After so many years of waiting for the White Stripes to become a real fucking band, to make an album to which I could listen and not consider suicide, it finally happened. I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and embrace my unrequited love for the White Stripes. FINALLY! YES! I couldn't be any more ecstatic about this.

I LOVE THE WHITE STRIPES!!!!

WHOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!

Title track for ya.