Indie Fight Club
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Artist:
Welcome to the indie battles. This is where my not-really-obscure artists fight your not-really-obscure artists, battles matter more than their outcome, and there is no mercy. Hold your breath as managers are taken as prisoners and virgin PR girls are sacrificed to the muses. This will be a fight to the mainstream death. Take your seats, place your bets, and wait for the blood.
Amy Winehouse VS Adele, Duffy, Paloma Faith, etc
(Amy pic from magicmomentsuk)
Amy makes Adele chase pavements, Duffy a stepping stone, and Paloma stone cold dead. After the battle Winehouse fails the doping test and the fight result becomes invalid, but it's too much too late.
Result: UK declares the day National Mourning Day.
The Mountain Goats VS Grizzly Bear VS Modest Mouse VS Arctic Monkeys VS Animal Collective
The mandatory ''no animals were hurt during this battle'' disclaimer makes the whole operation void. We have no choice but to replace animals with babies; this fight is currently under construction with Amazing Baby and more.
Result: pending.
Wavves VS Black Lips
This is an absurd imaginary fight since its real version is actually taking place, with life size musicians and everything! However, we will remain objective; we won't let knowledge of actual facts or personal opinion to colour the outcome of this imaginary battle.
Result: All the above said, Black Lips win.
Karen O and The Kids VS Dead Man's Bones
Karen O wrote the OST for Spike Jonze's Where The Wild Things Are and named her collaborators "the Kids''. Amongt the adult members of The Kids we also find an ''untrained children's choir". On the other hand, actors Ryan Gosling and Zach Shields collaborated with Los Angeles' Silverlake Conservatory Children's Choir for their new album under the name of Dead Man's Bones.
As Jon Stewart once said, pretty much anything sounds creepy when little kids sing it. However, Dead Man's Bones children have Halloweeen costumes on and walk around cemeteries, thus...
Result: Dead Man's Bones win.
Florence (without The Machine) VS Jenny Lewis
Let's be completely honest with ourselves. If this battle actually takes place, does anyone really care about the outcome? Well? You in the back? No? I didn't think so.
Result: WE ALL WIN.
Ben Gibbard VS Ben Gibbard
Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie hypnotizes Ben Gibbard of The Postal Service by reading him his article The Meaning Of Life and analyzing the influence of Jack Kerouac in his work. The eyelids feel heavy, the mind wonders into a sweet oblivion, and the fight goes on and on like the continous roll of paper on which Kerouac wrote On The Road.
Result:...zZzZzZzZZzzz...
The Flaming Lips VS Arcade Fire
Arcade Fire have the church organ that can produce evil sounds at will, but Wayne Coyne has the magic bubble. In elementary school, being called a ''bubble boy'' would probably be a bad thing, but we are all adults here. Hence, Coyne uses his extinct-virgin-fairies-made bubble as an uber-protection shield to reflect the evil chants right back at the Montrealites.
Result: The Flaming Lips win.
Alex Kapranos VS Gordon Ramsay
Franz Ferdinand's Alex Kapranos is a culinary enthusiast and the author of Sound Bites: Eating on Tour with Franz Ferdinand, in which he narrates his food experiences and observations while on tour. Gordon Ramsay is a Michelin star chef and the cocky star of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, in which he visits failing restaurants and tries to improve them by the scientifically confirmed power of psychological violence. Right before the battle, Ramsay visits Kapranos backstage.
Result: Enter the new hit TV series Ramsay's Band Nightmares.
Paul Banks VS Julian Casablancas
The adrenaline is in the red in this agonizing indie solo-off. The Interpol and Strokes frontmen release their solo efforts this year and battle it out bangs to bangs; Banks brings his indie rock & Carlos D, Casablancas his synth pop & Albert Hammond, Jr. But as Casablancas is taking the lead, he's given a wedgie by Banks' hip-hop loving alter ego, DJ Fancypants, and all bets are off.
Result: I said all bets are off!
Passion Pit VS MGMT VS Islands VS Fleet Foxes VS La Roux VS Black Kids VS Pains of Being Pure At Heart VS Bon Iver VS Emmy The Great VS Lykke Li VS Devendra Banhart VS Vampire Weekend VS Monsters Of Folk VS Clap Your Hands Say Yeah VS The XX VS Friendly Fires
Result: We couldn't give a shit.
Glasvegas VS Empire Of The Sun
On the night of the fight, Glavegas' James Allan pulls a Joe Strummer and Empire of The Sun's Nick Littlemore pulls a James Allan pulling a Joe Strummer. The fight gets cancelled, roaring crowds demand refunds, riots and plague escalate, and the earth gets annihilated (fade out to remastered sounds of The Sound Of Music).
Result: ''Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite thin....BOOM''
Jay Reatard VS all the above
{from Jay's Twitter...} ''Eatin rare lame and now you think you bigger ? You aint nothing but A punk ass nigga .. Real mutha fuckin jay ! You niggas shoulda know ... '', ''Fyi .. No pee got on the dude I was pissing on the ground ..'', ''Band quit ! Fuck them ! They are boring rich kids who can't play for ahit anyways .. Say hello to your ugly and boring wifes opps I mean'', ''Suck my ass it smells'', ''Just got out of the hospital in Oslo...Turns out I banged my head to hard and ripped some rib meat ! Also watched Enslaved eat yoghurt'', ''Brooklyn shut up ! most of your bands all suck and you are total wanna bees ! The pains of being boring at heart ....oh it must hurt bei ...'', ''Oh boy I ate to much before the show ....time to vomm'', ''You drunk lil bitch from philly last night ! You are way to lucky that you are playing gonerfest .. Or unlucky cause you ass is grass ni ...''.
Result: Erm, Jay Reatard wins.
Locating MOG account...
Comments (35)
I love your 'we couldn't give a shit' section <3
It's not me, it's the official fight committee ;)
Florence and Jenny have already had a fight.
They were dueling for my affections.
The result for that one should have been: Joxy wins ahhahahha
These kind of wars have been going on since Pussy was a Cat...
Hoity-toity la di da! ;P
While my music loving history tells me that I should be interested in being in the Gibbard sandwich, what makes my toes curl would be if I were the referee between Alex and Gordon...Heat, passion, sensuality...and that's only in the kitchen.
yeah, I'd let them cook for me.
ha! WE ALL WIN! I was thinking exactly that when I read the title, I don't care who wins, I just want to be there when it happens! that is, unless its not a private affair at Joxley's place.
wow...bangs to bangs...that has me cracking up something serious!
What a construct you've assembled! I'll be feeding off those finely peppered links for awhile. But, for the sake of pure battle-axe rage, the bands of my day would clean shop with this pasty lot.
Amber, Gibbard sandwich ahhahahahhaha nice!
Very hot choice, my dear. One would have to be able to stand massive amounts of heat to stay in that kitchen (etc) and if anybody can do it, it's definitely you.
I'd like to be the referee in the ginger battle, but I don't think Joxy will let me.
Damn right, Mr. madrid. Fite fite fite! Joxy had better invite us over, it would be a crime against humanity (?) if he didn't.
Crack it up, fellow fighter!
Why thank you, Scot! Oh there's no doubt about that. They would chop them up and make a nice stew out of them (Amber, I know we're interested in that stew)...
What is it with you and fighting lately? Although an Indie Fight Club would surely be well attended and blogged. It might even become a major motion picture event. My money is on Jandek.
Folks aren't quite sure who he is, so the stealth and shock factor could really elevate his chances.
Blame it on my erm, teenage angst. First rule of Indie Fight Club (I'll steal that, actually, I like it better as a title ahhahaha) is that you do talk about Indie Fight Club.
I dunno, I dunno.... I think that Reatard is in a constant state of awareness (= unagi)...
Steal from me..no problem. We're all in the same gang.
Vera Lynn v Gracie Fields
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Same gang... granted. Touch my Ho-Ho's and we are going to blows.
Modest Mouse would beat everyone in their group, especially the pansies from Animal Collective and the newly pansy-ed Arctoc Monkeys. John Darnielle from the mountain goats wouldn't even bother, he'd watch from the sidelines and write a song about it.
Also, no one can beat Carlos D.
I laughed at the Ben Gibbard one. XD Funny stuff Anna. So, Synecdoche, winner or not? :P
Anna Amy Winehouse sure looks like one of the Ramones in that pic. Talk about comparison shopping great post
Banks would win his fight. The birthmarks on his cheek have magical powers that we cannot fathom.
Also, as much as i love the Arcade Fire, the Flaming Lips would destroy them. The lips would just chill, drop some acid and wait for the furry space vagina balls to come and devour the AF.
-G.
Ha, ha.
Funny stuff.
FYI - Jay and TPOBPAH have "made up"
(they were only kidding)
;-)
that was way too much fun to read!
if they made masks like Amy's face in that picture, that'd be the scariest mask available for halloween!!! :D
I would like to see Betty Davis Vs. The Brides Of Funkenstein
Well holy smokes. You disappear for what seems like an age, and then you return with a masterpiece!? Now we know what you were doing all that time:-)
Hmmm, mog has been acting up for me w/comments not showing up that I posted. No surprise there w/mog staff working on the new one(hopefully the new fix will include keeping comments put). I'll try to recreate what I wrote earlier:
I think you have outdone yourself w/this post. Pretty hilarious since it made me literally LOL at several points through the read. '. . . and all bets are off. Result: I said all bets are off!' especially that comment. I could so totally hear you saying that in a fake harsh tone.
Glad to see the Lips are as tough as I always thought they might be. I do like Arcade Fire but don't own any of their music whereas I have 5-6 FL albums. They have managed to rock again & again decade after decade.
sorry, I am still looking at that winehouse photo and wondering how anyone ever thought she was cute. Love you lily allen@!
As usual, I'm a day late & a dollar short. There's nothing i can add. Just wanted to say hi(gh)
Cody, let's hold hands and nick from each other, yeah! :)
Neill, that's one slice of British comedy I've been missing out on, cheers!
Ghost, I'll stay away from your Ho-Hos if you stay away from my Nutella....
Julia, it would have been a good fight... and if we had gotten a song from it, even better! Too bad the law is so strict when it comes to animal fights... pox on that! ;)
I'm not so sure about Carlos D; I get the feeling that if you steal his pistol holders he'll crumble down and cry.
Why thank you, Stefan! If Ben was also laughing, may he'd have won the fight, who knows ;)
Didn't get the chance to see it yet, although after what you said I'm not exactly looking forward to it... will get back to you on that one!
cpetersonart ahahhahahhha! Oh my! I hadn't noticed but that's dead on!
Thank you very much :*
G... hold on... do you mean... is it like ... could it be? ... is he the Harry Potter of indie?! NOOOOO! I wonder who the indie Voldemort is then (and where do I apply for the job)...
''furry space vagina balls''?! I'll have whatever the Flaming Lips are having...
Cheers, Dave. I give them 2 weeks before they fall out again, for fun or for real ;)
Glad you enjoyed it, Cinful!
True dat, Halloween success guaranteed... it might even outsell the Lady Gaga ones! ;)
Cody, nooice! Also Bette Davis VS Betty Davis? Just a thought (and a scary one at that).
Heya cap! Holy smokes and holy bloodz! Aw thank you, sir!
It's true... I spend my time with my imaginary indie friends... although I make them fight so much I'm afraid I'll have to find imaginary replacements oh too soon ;)
Sorry to hear about your commenting trouble, uncling :/ Thank you for reposting!
Awwww! I'm not much of a blusher, but I'm utterly in the red now! Thank you so much! I can't tell you how happy the fact that you laughed with this makes me.
Fake harsh tone and football narrator's hysteria :)
I'm more of an Arcade Fire myself, but you can't win over bubble boy, you just can't!
Kevin, I did think of including your Lily in this, in the notorious topless pictures at that, but she would steal everybody's focus ;)
Jeff, no such thing as being late (I am a pound short myself, so there!), you know input is timelss and much appreciated.
Heya!
I go away for one day and all kinds of warfare break loose. Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?!?
great, now i need to go hide from my bookie...
Dale, I've told you many times before, you shouldn't leave me alone for so long! Don't worry about the children. Only those that had an adult-signed consent form were allowed to place bets. mwuahhahahhah! ;)
Sam, please contact our Terribly Legal department for new-passport-related enquiries.
Anna, this one has to go to your "Bite me, my post will eat your post" archives. i luv it.
i've yet to out myself in digging Dead Man's Bones but, hell, ohkay, they win. (you see, Dale, she thought of the children.)
Thank you, darkling! I really appreciate that :)
Come out of the closet (and let's push the children in there...)!