On Weddings, Fatherlessness, Moving and Growing Up

Posted over 2 years ago

Artist:
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John Mayer
Album:
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Continuum
Track:
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Stop This Train

This weekend was historic. My last single friend got married this weekend. Man, it's amazing how fast time passes. I was the first person out of all of my friends to get married. I have been married now for 4 1/2 years. My friend Rob, with whom I have been friends now for at least 8 years, got married on Saturday to the girl that he has been after since 8th or 9th grade. It was seriously a beautiful wedding and I was so happy for both of them. It was my honor to be in his wedding and to be a part.There was a part of the wedding that really made me happy too. You see, Rob's father was at his wedding. You might be thinking, "So What?" Well, it's a big deal for a lot of reasons. I mean the simplest is that so many people are growing up fatherless now. So having a father is almost an anomaly. But secondly, his father and my father have a lot of commonalities. Both of our dads were marines. Both struggled with alcoholism. But his dad had the strength of character to turn it all around fairly early in Rob's life. Mine did not. It cost my dad everything. When I was in 3rd grade my parents got divorced as a result of his alcoholism and his actions in concordance with said problem. When I was in fourth grade my dad was in a motorcycle accident, while he was drunk, and has been in a hospital or nursing home since. I rarely see him, which is partially because I am a coward. He couldn't make it to my graduation from high school or college. He didn't make it to my wedding. He couldn't even send a card. I found myself tearing up seeing how proud Rob's dad was of Rob. He was so lucky to have his dad. I admit I was a bit jealous. But mostly I was happy for Rob.Moments like these really make me think of the song "Stop This Train" by John Mayer. Allow me to share the lyrics with my own commentary:No, I'm not colorblindI know the world is black and whiteI try to keep an open mindBut I just can't sleep on this tonight although I think this is a little pessimistic, we all probably feel this way sometimes. there just don't seem to be all those shades of gray that existed when we were younger anymore.Stop this trainI want to get offAnd go home againI can't take the speed it's moving inI know I can'tBut honestly, won't someone stop this train?sometimes the overwhelming thought in my head is that I honestly just need a break. as a child you get so many: recess, spring break, summer break and now so many schools get fall break and winter break. me...i haven't had a vacation in 3 years.Don't know how else to say itI don't want to see my parents goOne generation's length awayFrom finding life out on my owni'm getting ready to move (more on this later) and one of the hardest things about it I think is that I am finally going to have to really do this adult thing. not that I've had a ton of handouts...but the few that were there are about to be gone for good. and my mom, who is amazing, is no longer and will no longer be so close.Stop this trainI want to get offAnd go home againI can't take the speed it's moving inI know I can'tBut honestly, won't someone stop this train?So scared of getting olderI'm only good at being youngSo I play the numbers gameTo find a way to say that life has just begun now this last verse is my absolute favorite part of the entire song. i think my biggest fear of being older is that i am going to fail. and not just myself. being married, if i fail i fail her too. she's so gracious and allows for mistakes because she, just like all of us, know that mistakes are inevitable. But i have never wanted anything as bad as i want to do the right thing for her, for me, for us.Had a talk with my old manSaid "help me understand"He said "turn sixty-eightYou renegotiate"this line is great too...i love the older generation giving us a different perspective. when we were younger we thought we knew it all...but as we get older it seems like they get wiser. and we realize how big of a jerk we really were."Don't stop this trainDon't for a minute change the place you're inDon't think I couldn't ever understandI tried my handJohn, honestly we'll never stop this train"Once in awhile, when it's goodIt'll feel like it shouldAnd they're all still aroundAnd you're still safe and soundAnd you don't miss a thingTill you cry when you're driving away in the darkSingingthese are the moments life was made forStop this trainI want to get offAnd go home againI can't take the speed it's moving inI know I can'tCause now I see I will never stop this train if you don't know this song....go download it on i-tunes right nowSo the other part of this little entry is about me moving. I am moving to San Antonio very soon. February 1st to be exact. My parents moved to Bedford (the city I live in now) when I was four years old. I have never lived more than 20 miles from the apartment my mom moved to my last day of 3rd grade. My wife on the other hand moved here from Boston. We met in college and she stayed down here. But for both of us this is a big change. I am getting a better job within the company I already work for which is amazing. I am going to be doing something that I am really passionate about...working with music. But what is biggest about this change is we really have to learn to rely on God and each other. We don't have that support system within walking distance. Not to say people are going to stop caring for us. They just won't be a stone's throw. We're excited, challenged and nervous. I can't wait!

Comments (4)

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mutterimieli says Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I wish you all the luck and happiness starting a new chapter of your life in San Antonio.

Permalink posted 01/08/2007
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lemontwist says Very touching! Good luck with your move. :)

Permalink posted 01/08/2007
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Joyb0218 says Hi! Your post really struck a cord with me... Let me tell you a little short story about Dads. My husband and I both shared Marine fathers. They both came from strict Baptist backgrounds. They both were angry, mean, abusive, volitale alcoholics. My husbands dad beat on him while my dad beat on my mother. My dad also got into a serious motorcycle accident and it burned his body up pretty badly (I'll never forget the day we found him wandering down the road, trying to walk home, crying, his clothes, skin all black, hanging from his body. I was about 5 so this really tramatized me seeing him that way...) He recovered, but shortly after, my mother said 'no more' and they split. During the divorce, he turned his life around and got right with God, and hasn't had a drop of alcohol in 20 years. We are very close now and have been for some time. My husband's dad wasn't that strong and passed away from liver failure at 48 years old. I can't comfort my husband as much as I would like to over the loss of his father and, I suspect maybe your friend feels that way for you too (that you don't have contact with your dad). The best I can do is share my own dad and encourage them to interact as much as possible to grow a more fatherly-son bond.... You are so right though that depending on God is the utmost thing we can do. It's truly the best way because He will never lead us wrong and is the only One that can change hearts, heal them, and strengthen them if we ask him too! Well, I have rambled on long enough! :-) Great post and good luck with your job!!! Oh! And I will DEFINITELY listen to John Mayer's song. It sounds really, really, really like an intense song. Thanks so much for sharing. The lyrics put a lump in my throat...

Permalink posted 01/08/2007
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ivylander says I too know that feeling of a father missing from your life. My dad died at 48, when I was 15. He too had a drinking problem, though that wasn't what caused his death (lung cancer, three packs a day). He died thinking of himself as a failure, for all sorts of complicated reasons, and I spent many, many years of my life simultaneously missing him and trying to put as much distance as possible between myself and him, so that I wouldn't end up making the same mistakes. As I approached 48, I found myself terrified that I too would die young. This fear is, I think, fairly common among men whose dads die early. But I passed that year, and a few more, and now find myself oddly liberated, free to also honor what was good about him rather than remaining focused on his frailties. The strange thing now is that my kids are almost the same age as my sister and I were when he died. But I'm not freaking anymore. I know that, God willing, I will live to see them become adults, get married, have children. It sounds like you have already absorbed the most important lessons that a painful episode like this can give you: That your life belongs to you and is up to you. That you don't have to repeat a parent's failed patterns. That God (and a good partner) can get you through anything. Good luck on your move, man.

Permalink posted 01/08/2007